Saw him today, would appreciate your comments and advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone

I've been no contact with my ex for just over a year.  We live six streets away from each other and although it's a small town, I've only seen him once, six months ago. (He takes many long distance trips, travelling on his own.) He was friendly, as though nothing had happened, he brushed my palm as he said goodbye. Not sure why he did that, my assumption was that he wanted to test if the magnetic bond that we'd had was still there. I was boundaried. When I ended the relationship he wanted assurance that the physical attraction still existed although he agreed that it must end.

He is undiagnosed but I'm as certain as I can be that he is Quiet Waif BPD. He has all the indicators apart from self harm and is high functioning in the sense that he's adept at mirroring. Personable and charming when he's out and about, his depressions, dysregulations, black and white thinking, dissociations are not evident to society at large. I only saw them when I got close to him. They unsettled me and caused me a lot of unhappiness.

After we split I went through the agony that so many here are experiencing. Recently I have been feeling much better due to specialist hypnotherapy, dealing not with him but with my childhood issues that led me to become involved with him.

When I saw him today he was cheerful and seemed buoyant. We had a brief chat and he said that he was thinking about me the other day. That he'd had a photographic book of memories made of a holiday we'd taken together, not the disastrous holiday when we split. I knew before we broke up that he intended to do this because he asked me if I'd like a copy. I said yes but heard no more and assumed, after I returned all his belongings left my house, that this had been forgotten about. It had occurred to me that this is the only excuse he would have to contact me. I was boundaried today, he brushed my arm as he said goodbye. He is touchy feely, it may not be the same as the palm brushing, I'm not sure.

Today, he mentioned the book and asked me if I wanted my copy. I was a bit taken aback, back footed and said "Yes, why not?" He said he'd drop it round to my house. Not sure if this is through the letter box, he said it's quite large, or in person.

Thanks for reading this far! My dilemma is how to handle this. Is there possibly an ulterior motive? I'm not sure. Comments and advice would be very much appreciated.

Thanks. :-)

[troisette]

Hello everyone

I've been no contact with my ex for just over a year.  We live six streets away from each other and although it's a small town, I've only seen him once, six months ago. (He takes many long distance trips, travelling on his own.) He was friendly, as though nothing had happened, he brushed my palm as he said goodbye. Not sure why he did that, my assumption was that he wanted to test if the magnetic bond that we'd had was still there. I was boundaried. When I ended the relationship he wanted assurance that the physical attraction still existed although he agreed that it must end.

He is undiagnosed but I'm as certain as I can be that he is Quiet Waif BPD. He has all the indicators apart from self harm and is high functioning in the sense that he's adept at mirroring. Personable and charming when he's out and about, his depressions, dysregulations, black and white thinking, dissociations are not evident to society at large. I only saw them when I got close to him. They unsettled me and caused me a lot of unhappiness.

After we split I went through the agony that so many here are experiencing. Recently I have been feeling much better due to specialist hypnotherapy, dealing not with him but with my childhood issues that led me to become involved with him.

When I saw him today he was cheerful and seemed buoyant. We had a brief chat and he said that he was thinking about me the other day. That he'd had a photographic book of memories made of a holiday we'd taken together, not the disastrous holiday when we split. I knew before we broke up that he intended to do this because he asked me if I'd like a copy. I said yes but heard no more and assumed, after I returned all his belongings left my house, that this had been forgotten about. It had occurred to me that this is the only excuse he would have to contact me. I was boundaried today, he brushed my arm as he said goodbye. He is touchy feely, it may not be the same as the palm brushing, I'm not sure.

Today, he mentioned the book and asked me if I wanted my copy. I was a bit taken aback, back footed and said "Yes, why not?" He said he'd drop it round to my house. Not sure if this is through the letter box, he said it's quite large, or in person.

Thanks for reading this far! My dilemma is how to handle this. Is there possibly an ulterior motive? I'm not sure. Comments and advice would be very much appreciated.

Thanks. :-)

[steelwork]

Hi Troisette--congratulations on the progress you have made. It seems like this could be used as a test, in a way. Not like, test how well you can deal with him now, but how much you feel compelled to do so.  There's really no need to reengage, right? Or do you feel drawn to do so? As for his motives: I suspect you are in the best position to judge that. Another question is: does it matter to you what he wants? If so, why do you think that is?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey troisette ,  Why do you want a copy of this photo album/book?  What's the point?  You're doing great, it seems, so I'm unsure what you are getting at.  It could be a ploy on his part to reconnect w/you.

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

Hi troisette,

Congratulations on all the work you have done. 

Seems to me that your story contains a lesson on how confounding can be to relate with someone that is BPD.  From the sounds of it all, he may very well have the best intentions in his conscious thoughts, but due to the nature of BPD, that shouldn't be construed to mean that his traits will not be part of your interactions.  Where to draw the line between what is him and what is his disorder is not easy - if not impossible, because the disorder is personality based.

From that perspective, any decisions you make should be centered on where you personally are at in your own healing and the degree to which interaction may interrupt that or start an "emotional recycle".

I don't mean recycle as in re-connect, rather, Emotional-Recycle where interaction restarts your internal processes that were prevalent in your original relationship.

Either way, there is no wrong decision that you can make, only the one that will best serve your needs.

[troisette]

Thanks to all for sensible, perceptive comments. Much appreciated.

I've given myself a few days to absorb your views, to speak with friends and to see if I hear from him.

You're right Steelwork, it is a test and I'm relieved that I don't want to re-engage in any meaningful way.

Lucky Jim, yes, friends are of the opinion that it's a subtle attempt to possibly recycle. They point out something I hadn't thought about; that he might think photographs and memories a good way to start. I don't want the photo album and actually, when I look back on that holiday, I don't have happy memories, just a memory of a permanent knot of confusion in my stomach. You'll see below why I said "yes, okay".

Joeramebeme, "his traits will be part of your intereractions" - valid point, also the "emotional recycle" - that, to a degree, has happened but the effect not as strong as it would have been.

I find my situation difficult; living in a small gossipy town where he is well known, presenting a charming, charismatic and waif-like persona. We have mutual acquaintances and he belongs to a tight-knit influential group in the town. I don't think many see behind the mask because he retreats when dysregulating.

During the past year I have become stronger, my perspective has changed a lot.

But I am protective of my reputation within the town. He is a subtle manipulator - would not risk overtly painting me black - I think - but would do it covertly. Hence my acceptance of the album, if I rejected it he would use that against me, playing out the waif within him.

I am relieved that I have heard no more from him. That doesn't mean I won't. Luckily I have family staying for a few weeks if he does deliver it to my house. I am not fully detached but am getting there. I think I would be detached if we didn't live in the same town and have acquaintances in common. I am pragmatic and increasingly phlegmatic that it's just a matter of time. Meanwhile, my interests and self-protection are paramount and I don't want to alienate him or give him an excuse to paint me black. So it seems best to keep my distance,  be polite when I do see him, while remaining wary.

Thanks again, your comments are valuable and a help.