I think my partner has BPD but she thinks she has an addiction problem

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think my GF has BPD but my GF only admits to having alcohol and food addiction.  She isnpursuing treatment for the addiction/abuse symtoms through intensive group therapy.  I am concerned that she is only treating the symptoms and not the root cause as she exhibits abusive behavior towards me from time to time plus other symptoms of BPD, i.e. Fear of abondonment, breaking up every other week over mundane matters.
When I asked her if she was diagnosed by an expert, she said she didn't need one and the questionaires for alcohol and food abuse were enough to tell her she has addiction issues.  She is asking me to be supportive w her plans to address the addiction issues and i am concerned thatshe is addressing the symptoms.  I told her taht i susepct she has BPD.  What should I do? Support her through addiction trwatment? Or confront her to get prfoessional diagnosis?

[Yogi11]

I think my GF has BPD but my GF only admits to having alcohol and food addiction.  She isnpursuing treatment for the addiction/abuse symtoms through intensive group therapy.  I am concerned that she is only treating the symptoms and not the root cause as she exhibits abusive behavior towards me from time to time plus other symptoms of BPD, i.e. Fear of abondonment, breaking up every other week over mundane matters.
When I asked her if she was diagnosed by an expert, she said she didn't need one and the questionaires for alcohol and food abuse were enough to tell her she has addiction issues.  She is asking me to be supportive w her plans to address the addiction issues and i am concerned thatshe is addressing the symptoms.  I told her taht i susepct she has BPD.  What should I do? Support her through addiction trwatment? Or confront her to get prfoessional diagnosis?

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[Notwendy]

Welcome Yogi,

It is a big step to admit to an addiction and seek out help. Some addicts don't do this, and this leaves their loved ones in dismay. Addiction can really impact a relationship.

Rather than see her efforts as not enough- that she isn't treating some underlying BPD, I think you can be supportive that she has taken this step.

Addiction can go hand in hand with other issues and disorders. People use their addiction as a means of escape from their problems. So it is hard to address the issues when they have a way to escape from them- at least temporarily. Sometimes breaking the addiction isn't enough- and they need further treatment for the other issues. Yet, it is a first step to dealing with them.

In general, it isn't a good idea to tell a partner they have BPD. It is up to them to seek treatment for their issues- they have to be motivated to do something about them. Your GF is taking a first step- a big step.

I hope at some point that the treatment center considers the families of the addicts, and their romantic partners.

In the early days of AA ( Alcoholics Anonymous) , they discovered that the alcoholics could stop drinking, but something about their caring, supportive wives ( the Big Book reflects the era of its time, the men were alcoholics and the wives were housewives- but now it can be either gender as alcoholic and partner) were making their husbands worse. It was then that they looked into the aspect of enabler in this situation. I think this is known to addiction centers and I hope they include family members/partners in the process.

It is important to her well being, and to your relationship to not enable or intervene between her and her treatment team. This is her task to face and she will benefit from a supportive partner.

[livednlearned]

she exhibits abusive behavior towards me from time to time plus other symptoms of BPD, i.e. Fear of abondonment, breaking up every other week over mundane matters.

This is hard stuff. How do you respond when she breaks up with you? What kinds of abusive behaviors are you coping with? How long have you two been together?

I agree with Notwendy, that the best way to support your GF is to see her efforts as good enough, even if they fall short for you (and even if you are 100 percent correct that she would recover better if treated for BPD).

She is brave to take a first step and to admit to herself and to you that she has a problem. Imagine a thousand pounds of shame burying her -- she is willing to start excavating the top layer. She has to start somewhere, and if she were to fully comprehend how thick and deep the layers were, she might not even start for fear of being overwhelmed.

Also, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, when you focus on taking care of yourself, it gives her space to self-reflect instead of constantly trying to protect herself from attention to her dysfunctional behaviors. You can model for her what it is like to feel worthy enough