BPD BPD relationship

[tammym1972]

My Ex BPD BF recently started dating a girl with BPD. His ex fiance was also BPD. He says these girls really get him and I never could.

The ex fiance relationship was full of drama. She lied, threw his stuff away and stole from him. And broke up about 8 times in 6 months. He now is idealizing her again and the new girl looks like her.

Has anybody else had their BPD SO leave them for another BPD?

[lipstick]

Hi Tammym1972,
My ex has been with his spouse for nearly 30 years now. Yes - he and I were together while he was still married. No - it was not supposed to be that way. I was lied to and chose to ignore the red flags... .end of background!

My ex and the spouse are both disordered. He is NPD/BPD and she is (I strongly suspect) BPD.  They will never leave each other until one of them passes.  Why? Because they both feed off of each other.

She has punched him in the face and broken his nose. Rammed his car with her own. Had them banned from restaurants because of her behavior. Shown up at his employer and thrown a glass across the room at him. There are more examples - but I'm sure you get the picture. And yet - my ex stays in this dynamic. They are not intimate. Their sex life dried up YEARS ago. She does not want him even breathing on her. What is the payoff, then? 

For my ex - the relationship is safe. There are no expectations placed upon him. The spouse is completely dependent on him as she will not be receiving social security benefits - has zero marketable skills - and is past retirement age now (she is quite a bit older than him). So he knows that there is also zero chance of abandonment. They have no sex life - so no intimacy issues. She is his drinking partner and someone to keep him company. Period. That's it. I am her polar opposite in every way. And he could not handle that. So he cut and ran back to what was "safe". He calls it "comfortable". I beg to differ.

Their life is one of habit. routine and living in the past. It's quite sad, really. However - he paints a very different picture on social media. Life is perfection according to what he posts on FB. But in reality - yeah, not so much. And he continues to call me approx. every two weeks from spoofed or blocked numbers. It doesn't even phase me now.

These two are hopelessly enmeshed with each other. She obviously was the better choice for him over me. I used to be jealous. Not any longer. I finally realized that she was the better choice because she was the EASIER choice. It had nothing to do with looks, sex, money, etc... Because I totally eclipse her in every way. It had everything to do with going back to his "mommy" and the safety of zero expectations. He could not handle being with me. Do I believe I meant more to him than she did? Yes. And that is why he ran away.

Best of luck on your healing. Take care of you!  Things do get better, I promise!   

[Curiously1]

These two are hopelessly enmeshed with each other. She obviously was the better choice for him over me. I used to be jealous. Not any longer. I finally realized that she was the better choice because she was the EASIER choice. It had nothing to do with looks, sex, money, etc... Because I totally eclipse her in every way. It had everything to do with going back to his "mommy" and the safety of zero expectations. He could not handle being with me. Do I believe I meant more to him than she did? Yes. And that is why he ran away.

Best of luck on your healing. Take care of you!  Things do get better, I promise!   

The "friend" my exBPDgf has kept after we broke up again has BPD tendencies from what I observed. Similar to lipstick, I also think that they end up with the choice that they think makes their life easier... like say be able to be less acountable and get away with more stuff. Before I used to be offended and kind of angry and jealous... I just could not understand why my exBPDgf could not let go of the other girl who she described was so ugly and hated because she was a 'blackhole' and would never date in her life - even though she tried to get with her immediately after me then back to me then back to her but apparently as just a close 'friend'. But now I see it differently. Even though I know I am the healthier one I know that the 'friend' whether they are official or not is probably better for my ex because of how awfuls she can be to be honest. The girl is the only one who said she could 'take' the abuse as she said is used to it all her life... sadly. She is pretty manipulative herself. They both use one another really. My ex wants to find better she can handles I know... and the other who I think is BPD too is clinging on to someone she feels is the only one who will notice her. It has nothing to do with your self worth or value who they pick to be with anyway.  It is often who is the 'safer' option or as in easier to control that matters the most to them it seems... even if they wanted and preferred you.

[lipstick]

Curiously1,
I agree with you on a lot of your points. I think it also has to do with control, as well.

My ex can control his spouse due to her complete dependence on him. He is the bread-winner. She has a part-time job that pays her under the table and they only keep her on because of family ties. And no one in their family would take her in as they don't want the drama - so she truly has nowhere to go.

Yet he stays in this situation because it works on some level for both of them. Is it a happy relationship? Not by any definition. But it is SAFE for him. He isn't triggered - so the disorder is kept in check. And he is the one in charge of everything as he holds the purse strings. Control!

That was not the case in our relationship. I was on equal footing with him and he knew it.

These two will keep right on with their toxic dance. One trying to gain the upper hand over the other one. The domestic violence may have ratcheted down due to their ages - but the dysfunction is still there. Yuck.

But if you want an example of a BPD/BPD relationship that lasts - these two are it.  

[tammym1972]

Hi Tammym1972,
My ex has been with his spouse for nearly 30 years now. Yes - he and I were together while he was still married. No - it was not supposed to be that way. I was lied to and chose to ignore the red flags... .end of background!

My ex and the spouse are both disordered. He is NPD/BPD and she is (I strongly suspect) BPD.  They will never leave each other until one of them passes.  Why? Because they both feed off of each other.

She has punched him in the face and broken his nose. Rammed his car with her own. Had them banned from restaurants because of her behavior. Shown up at his employer and thrown a glass across the room at him. There are more examples - but I'm sure you get the picture. And yet - my ex stays in this dynamic. They are not intimate. Their sex life dried up YEARS ago. She does not want him even breathing on her. What is the payoff, then? 

For my ex - the relationship is safe. There are no expectations placed upon him. The spouse is completely dependent on him as she will not be receiving social security benefits - has zero marketable skills - and is past retirement age now (she is quite a bit older than him). So he knows that there is also zero chance of abandonment. They have no sex life - so no intimacy issues. She is his drinking partner and someone to keep him company. Period. That's it. I am her polar opposite in every way. And he could not handle that. So he cut and ran back to what was "safe". He calls it "comfortable". I beg to differ.

Their life is one of habit. routine and living in the past. It's quite sad, really. However - he paints a very different picture on social media. Life is perfection according to what he posts on FB. But in reality - yeah, not so much. And he continues to call me approx. every two weeks from spoofed or blocked numbers. It doesn't even phase me now.

These two are hopelessly enmeshed with each other. She obviously was the better choice for him over me. I used to be jealous. Not any longer. I finally realized that she was the better choice because she was the EASIER choice. It had nothing to do with looks, sex, money, etc... Because I totally eclipse her in every way. It had everything to do with going back to his "mommy" and the safety of zero expectations. He could not handle being with me. Do I believe I meant more to him than she did? Yes. And that is why he ran away.

Best of luck on your healing. Take care of you!  Things do get better, I promise!   

Thank you for the kind words. That sounds like a mess! My ex is very happy in his new relationship but it has only been 5 days so of course he is. Will be interesting to see what happens.

[tammym1972]

My ex basically said that girls with BPD are the only ones that get him. They have a lot in common but I know that he and his ex ended in a lot drama. Now he's back with a very similar girl. Even looks the same.

[lipstick]

My ex basically said that girls with BPD are the only ones that get him. They have a lot in common but I know that he and his ex ended in a lot drama. Now he's back with a very similar girl. Even looks the same.

Tammym1972,
They don't "get him"... .they "put up" with him. Big difference.

And pwBPD ADORE chaos and drama because it keeps them from having to focus on themselves.

My ex and his spouse are constantly going & doing. Granted - it's the same darn places and people over and over and over and over (Groundhog Day, anyone?). But it keeps them from being alone with each other and from having to face anything... .

They are like buckets with holes in the bottoms. No matter how much you pour in (love, sex, attention, money) it's never enough. It just keeps running out the bottom. Be glad you're out! 

[shatra]

I'm guessing it's twice as stormy and unstable as a non and a BPD, no?  With even more likelihood of breaking up.  Double doses of nastiness, moodiness, push-pull, etc.
  Re: t he ex looking like the other ex, is that  because he likes "that type"?  Or because if the new one looks like the old one, symbolically he never "lost" the old one--she's still "there"

[Hopefulgirl]

I remember the night when I found out my BPD guy was seeing someone else. He started talking about this woman, who I thought was a friend from Church(!)... .basically giving me all the traits of a woman with BPD/NPD, before I ever really knew what it truly was. The emotional abuse, distorted jealousy, push/pull stuff, put downs etc.

I started saying how sorry i was that this person had intruded on his life when he was struggling with so many things after his divorce, that he didnt deserve such horror, I thought he was going to warn me that he was putting a restraining order on her or that I should watch my back or something.

Then came the words out of his mouth that he was in love with her and that he had been all along and was going to be with her and told me that I was so NORMAL and so good to him that it basically wasn't his cup of tea.

Shoulda been a Red Flag. Was recycled several times after.

Then I think that somehow he was Projecting(?) all these BPD traits on her to manipulate me somehow. Or maybe he thought that he is such a difficult person to be around that a Narcissist is the only type of person who can NOT be emotionally shredded by him.

[Curiously1]

They don't "get him"... .they "put up" with him. Big difference.

And pwBPD ADORE chaos and drama because it keeps them from having to focus on themselves.

My ex and his spouse are constantly going & doing. Granted - it's the same darn places and people over and over and over and over (Groundhog Day, anyone?). But it keeps them from being alone with each other and from having to face anything... .

Second to lipstick it really is true that they prefer the chaos and drama and especially if they are not that self aware and getting any help for any of their issues. When I was still together with my ex and she kept the 'friend' her excuse was that she gets along really well with the friend but only in small doses. What does that even mean? Well I asked her and she said she would only spend an hour with her a week until she could not stand her and will have make her leave. What kind of friendship is that? I just did not understand it and I knew something was up because my ex is very self centred and it is not like she is just going to keep a friend that does not benefit her in a lot ways just cos she feels sorry for her and they've been intimate more than once of course.

The friend on the other hand, kept trying to make suicide attempts and calling my ex and apologising late at night whilst we were getting ready for bed etc. and whilst my ex and I were trying to improve our relationship. I told my ex that her friend is a lot of trouble and needs help and if she really doesn't like her then to let her go because of all the history and that it is affecting me and gives a chance for the girl to at least move on. Instead, she reacted badly to my worries and stuck by the friend and called me abusive and controlling as if I am purposefully trying to isolate her. She could have made new friends.

Anyway I then asked how she felt if the friend died and would she blame herself in any capacity because of how obsessed the friend was of her and that things were dragging along too far and the girl is still suffering. Her response to that was that she wouldn't feel a thing and that it was completely the friends fault if anything happened to her and that if she did die it would have been nothing to do with her. She was pretty cold about it. She also tried to convince me that she could get over someone before while being her friend. I am pretty sure this is a lie.

Anyway from that I knew it was just all about her. It didn't matter whether her friend or I suffered or was affected. It was about her getting her needs met no matter how crap the situation is. But for me telling her how unhappy I was vs a person who was willing to not say anything and go along with anything she wants... she picked to stand by the friend and well... enjoyed her love bombing I guess. Here I can see what lipstick saying, she would rather not be accountable and just not focus on herself. The friend was also as isolated as my ex and had no friends and perhaps that made my ex feel safer too. Someone who would kill for her and was a mess looked better to her than me who said we need to go to therapy

And as you can see, she really isn't sticking by the friend and caring for her actually. I used to not understand the sticking up to troubled friend vs caring about my feelings too and looked at it as if she cared about the friend feelings more. I was wrong. All I know is even for me, someone she preffered, my feelings were not taken into account as much as hers no matter what and nothing has changed and will drop the friend once she finds someone more appealing. And from last I checked she treats this girl way worse than she did with me so I wonder if she has some sadistic streak too and prefers people she can treat a lot more badly too. It really is just all usery and no love there or at least from my definition of what love should be about. They understand each other through their lack of boundaries,neediness and that the person they are using they feel is just easier to manipulate to get their own needs met. I think they essentially agreed to use each other for the time being. Except the friend is hoping to win my ex over whilst being used. She thinks she has won in her mind but all she is really getting is scraps.

[tammym1972]

  Re: t he ex looking like the other ex, is that  because he likes "that type"?  Or because if the new one looks like the old one, symbolically he never "lost" the old one--she's still "there"

He's been idealizing the old one a lot recently. How they had so much in common blah blah. I think he's trying to replace her.