I daydream about not being in the relationship anymore

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Meili
Can I ask how you finally came to this?

I was afraid of losing the person that was abusive to me. I'd rather have had the pain and damage of the abuse than run the risk of losing the person who caused the pain and damage.

Perhaps that is also holding me back. But I daydream about not being in the relationship anymore though.

[Cipher13]

Meili
Can I ask how you finally came to this?

I was afraid of losing the person that was abusive to me. I'd rather have had the pain and damage of the abuse than run the risk of losing the person who caused the pain and damage.

Perhaps that is also holding me back. But I daydream about not being in the relationship anymore though.

[Meili]

When I took a serious look at why I was staying in the relationship, every reason pointed to the fear.

When I first started to fight to save my relationship I told myself the very thing that most people around here say, "I love her. I'm committed to her. I want to spend my life with her."

As I started to learn about myself and my own motivations, I started to realize that, while I did, and to some extent still do, truly believe that I loved her, what I was feeling wasn't actually love. I was trapped in the Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

In particular, numbers 1, 5, 6, and 9.

I believed that she was the my soul mate and the only person that would love me. She told me this repeatedly after all, so it must be true, right?

Also, I am a caretaker and I looked at myself as the "white knight" and the only person that could love her enough to stay with her until she died. I had this perceived ability because I had been abused my entire life, so I knew that I was strong enough to handle it and no one else could. These were actual thoughts and conversations that I had with myself.

At some point, I realized that I didn't actually like my ex as a person. The BPD was one thing; but, the core values, interests, and direction that I wanted to take my life in did not mesh with who she was.

Even though I knew this, I still stayed and still allowed myself to be abused. That begged the question, "Why?" Why was I putting up with the rages? Why was I allowing myself to be financially drained? Why was I willing to continue putting her before me and allowing myself to be abused?

Those were very scary questions for me to look at because they required me to acknowledge that I only did so because I was afraid of not being worthy of love and never feeling again the way that I felt during the idealization phase. More than that though, I was afraid of not being good enough. That is what was at the bottom of it all. If I lost my ex, that somehow translated, in my mind, that I was not good enough.

So, I stayed with her and fought to keep the dysfunctional and painful relationship alive. I had faced pain my whole life. That was far easier than facing the pain of not feeling good enough.

I wanted, so desperately, for the pain to end that thoughts of suicide crept in... .that's when I finally had to put the brakes on all of it. It was the moment that I realized that I would rather take my own life then face the idea that I was not good enough that it all clicked for me.

All of my self-worth had been tied up in this woman... .a woman that I didn't actually like as a person... .Being without her, in my mind, meant that I was worthless and didn't deserve to live. Being with her meant constantly being reminded that I was not good enough. The latter pain and fear was easier to deal with than the former.

[vortex of confusion]

But I daydream about not being in the relationship anymore though.

I remember those days before ex left. I would daydream about what it would be like to be in a relationship where I was appreciated and had a true companion and partner. Heck, I even liked the idea of being able to just exist without him breathing all of the air. There were times when it felt like just his presence sucked all of the air out of the room.

The stuff that Meili shared is so powerful and really resonates with me. I wanted out and I daydreamed about being out yet the thought of getting out was too scary. It seemed like both options (staying or leaving) were both terrifying for different reasons. Staying was slightly less scary because at least it was familiar. Even though it sucked, there was an odd comfort in staying. It allowed me to wallow and not face my own stuff. Since ex left, I have had to grapple with lots of my own feelings, especially the ones that I suppressed while he was here.

And, I was so very afraid of being alone.

I think I was also very  much caught up in those 10 beliefs. Number 5 on the list was my biggest hurdle. I kept thinking that I just had to be more patient and things would go back to the way they used to be.

[Cipher13]

Yes a lot of those things are prevalent in my own situation. Especially this:

I wanted, so desperately, for the pain to end that thoughts of suicide crept in... .

While I'm not exactly there yet I do feel some days if a car was racing out of control my way I might not take effort in getting out of the way.  Or what if I was in a state where physically or mentally I couldn't fend for myself and didn't have to deal with all the things she asks of me. What if I were just paralyzed or blind or deaf or mentally handicap. Then I wouldn't have to deal with it. 

Why is it easier to think that way than to actually stand up and do something about it? Is it really a fear of not being loved? Because I know I'm already not being loved. She reminds me how much he dislikes me. Or tolerates me. I think maybe its #9 for me. I do so much for her that I would feel guilty for leaving her in a state where she can't take car of herself. Which she is capable of I'm sure.

One time we were at a sandwich shop and I normally have order her favorites before because typically its jus me and she is at home. This time we were together so when it was time to order she said she didn't know how because I always did it. She didn't even know what she liked on her own sandwich. She looked at me as if she was completely helpless and confused. So I told them what I normally get on it for her. Really eye opening.

[Meili]

Mine was a waif as well. She seemed so helpless about so many things. Of course, those were only the things that she had no interest in doing for herself. Toward the end of our two years together I realized that she had managed to survive her entire adult life without my help, why was she suddenly incapable and I had to do things for her?

We all have different reasons that keep us in these relationships. We each have to examine ourselves and determine what those reasons actually are. When we are able to do that, we are better able to decide how to proceed.

In my case, it happened to be fear. For others, it's religious convictions, family, the actual desire to have the person in their life, or whatever reason.

Not being able to imagine being without the person is a far cry from where I was, and where you, Cipher, are saying that you are, and wanting to be away from my pwBPD.

[Lucky Jim]

Even though I knew this, I still stayed and still allowed myself to be abused. That begged the question, "Why?" Why was I putting up with the rages? Why was I allowing myself to be financially drained? Why was I willing to continue putting her before me and allowing myself to be abused?

That's an excellent question, Meili, and one which I wrestle with today even though my BPDxW and I are now divorced.  Agree, we all have different reasons for putting up with the abuse.  I wonder whether, on some level, we think we deserve it, as strange as that sounds.

One concept that has helped me is learning to love and accept myself, just the way I am.  It sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard.  I can report that now I love myself too much to ever get in an abusive relationship again!  That's progress for me.

LuckyJim

[Meili]

I wonder whether, on some level, we think we deserve it, as strange as that sounds.

I'm not sure that I ever felt that I deserved it, but I did feel that I deserved no better.

Like you, LJ, I had to learn that was not true and that I deserved better. When I started to treat myself better, my relationship with my pwBPD actually got better.

We teach others how to treat us. As long as I believed that I didn't deserve any better treatment than I was receiving, I received that treatment. I taught her that it was acceptable to treat me that way. When I stopped allowing it to be acceptable, the majority of the bad treatment stopped as well.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm not sure that I ever felt that I deserved it, but I did feel that I deserved no better.

Meili: Right, that's the point I was getting at.  We accept the unacceptable, because we think we deserve no better.  It's only when we decide to stop accepting the abuse that change is possible, as you note.  Yet it took me a long time to reach that point.  I thought it was a normal part of marriage!  LJ

[Meili]

Yep!

I watched my father cower down to my mother (they are still married after over 50 years) for my entire life. My father keeps my mother on a pedestal no matter how horrible she was to him or the kids, and she literally told me numerous times that is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. So, that combined with how I was treated, I grew up believing that "love is pain... .the more that you suffer, the more it shows you really care."

So, while I longed to get away from my abusive relationships, I felt that by staying, I showed that I actually cared about the women. It was very unhealthy thinking to say the least.

[Waddams]

I watched my father cower down to my mother (they are still married after over 50 years) for my entire life. My father keeps my mother on a pedestal no matter how horrible she was to him or the kids, and she literally told me numerous times that is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. So, that combined with how I was treated, I grew up believing that "love is pain... .the more that you suffer, the more it shows you really care."

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" especially the first two chapters. 

My own home growing up was loving and supportive, but also stressful.  My dad had (and still has) a way of keeping things tense, and my older sister was always a bit unhinged.  I spent the better part of growing up always at other friend's houses, summer jobs working at camps to live away from home, etc. because I didn't want to be in the tense atmosphere.  I grew up thinking that was normal family life, and you just had to put up with it and sacrifice your own needs for the sake of the others who had greater needs.

While, noble, in this day and age, it's a recipe that is guaranteed to get you mixed up with a pwPD or other type of predator.

These days - I have my own place for me and my son,  and to be honest, there's part of me that still aspires to be remarried one day, have the idealized, disney home life that we're all programmed to want.  But there's part of me that is getting stronger and stronger that is rejecting that.  Especially since I'm 41, what value does getting married have?  I can have relationships and still maintain my own life stability and security.  Remarrying carries the risk of things going tits up again and has the potential to turn my life upside down again.  I'm more and more gravitating to the thought of a "life partner" but not marrying or cohabiting with her.  When I ask what value does being married bring me now that is worth the risk, I really can't come up with a good answer.

[Cipher13]

I can't recall growing up in an environment even close to what I am going through. I maybe putting blinders on but honestly the relationship I have seen with my parents is nearly what most strive for. It seems very well balanced.

the more that you suffer, the more it shows you really care

I must subscribe to this but it is one sided as I am the only on that sees it that way. But I also fall in to FOG and thus need to suffer more for her to see I am doing everything I can "just look at me acknowledge what I am doing instead of putting me down for everything I am not doing."

[WitzEndWife]

I'm right there with you. I have started to fantasize about leaving as well. When I look at the list of what I'm getting out of the relationship, it's very small:

Companionship
Good sex (when I want it, which isn't often anymore)
Someone to work on/take care of the cars (Saabs, which are high maintenance)
Someone to help organize my things
Someone to share household responsibilities

Compare that to what I'm not getting:

Three consecutive days without conflict or drama of some sort
The ability to fully relax when I am home
Being able to express myself and my opinions about politics, science, or other things without having someone else feel offended or fiercely disagree with me (he's a conspiracy theorist and mostly anti-science - I suspect this has to do with the control issues)
Having someone to share in financial responsibilities
Having someone who is able to stand on his own two feet regarding taking care of his own needs
Having someone who is truly able to be supportive of me
Having consistency in my life
Having a reliable partner
Having a real, reciprocal partnership
Being loved, not needed
Being able to spend a day without being guilted, shamed, invalidated, or blamed

I've been imagining what life would be like with a kind partner who believes in empirical data. It sounds ridiculous saying that out loud. I actually had a dream last night that I met a kindhearted science professor, who had a bit of an Eddie Redmayne look to him, and we talked excitedly together for hours, and, even though I was married, we kissed, and it was just so fulfilling. I would never cheat on my husband in real life, but I woke up feeling strongly that I needed to find a way out of this situation. This dream probably came out of the fact that he'd gotten furious at me for packing a gift card in a box that I'd thought that we would be able to access once we'd moved. He kept berating me and berating me, saying I'd never "learn", in this abusive, lecturing voice.
I don't want this. I'm tired of it. I want freedom.

[Meili]

All of us do not stem from dysfunctional families. But, there is likely something in our past that is at play.

But I also fall in to FOG and thus need to suffer more for her to see I am doing everything I can "just look at me acknowledge what I am doing instead of putting me down for everything I am not doing."

Have you figured out what is behind this? Do you know why it is so important for her to validate you rather than you validating yourself?

For me, and this is just me, we're all different, it was that "not good enough" thought process. I did everything that I could think of to have her validate me so that I would feel "good enough."

I had to learn that no one else can make me feel good enough, I have to feel and believe it.

While that is my reason for putting myself through it all, it may not be yours. But, something kept you in the relationship when others would have run because of the  .

[Lucky Jim]

I had to learn that no one else can make me feel good enough, I have to feel and believe it.

Like what you're saying there, Meili.  You could say it's about sourcing one's value and worth from within, rather than looking for external validation.  Agree that there is usually something from our past that explains why we put ourselves through it.  I used to get into an interesting dysfunctional dance w/my Ex, because I was looking for "good enough" whereas for her it was "never enough"!

LJ

[empath]

I can't recall growing up in an environment even close to what I am going through.

I grew up in a very healthy environment, at least from what I've heard from other people who discuss their own FOO. Supporting, validating, respecting one another and the children; self-sacrifice for the good of others and mutuality within marriage were key values.

That being said, there were aspects of that that left me unprepared for a life where I encountered toxic people; I didn't have to learn to set good boundaries or to really think about it because I was respected as a person. I also was formed outside the home by a religious system that encouraged more enmeshment and codependence. Those made it difficult for me to have the strength to do what needed to be done.

The good part of that is that I have a good sense of myself in other relationships, and have been aware of the enmeshment for a very long time. I have gradually been sectioning off parts of my day and life that are 'me'; boundaries help with that. Lately, I've been not sharing those with my pwBPD because he likes to take them for his own.