My BPD mother is now homeless and I'm an emotional desperate wreck

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Very short version of the story... .After decades of crisis after crisis and declining mental and physical health my mother is now living in a shelter. She lived with us at one point which was not beneficial to anyone. I am now a nervous guilt ridden wreck. Haven't slept well or ate in months and am struggling to even take care of my immediate family. I feel like I deserve it for not stepping in and rescuing her again. I haven't anything online of people with BP families members who are homeless. I feel like it would be easier to  let go and use the tools in the book if she was settled somewhere and not wandering the streets because of me, but I just don't have the energy or resources to help anymore so I am stuck in this circle of anxiety and guilt and fear because not only does she have BPD but she's also aging will multiple physical health problems as well as Bi-Polar and PTSD issues. I know she needs caring for I just can't bring myself to do it.

I would appreciate ANY advice on how to help myself especially if you've dealt with your loved being on the streets. Traditional therapy doesn't seem to be working for me.

[mimi1977]

Very short version of the story... .After decades of crisis after crisis and declining mental and physical health my mother is now living in a shelter. She lived with us at one point which was not beneficial to anyone. I am now a nervous guilt ridden wreck. Haven't slept well or ate in months and am struggling to even take care of my immediate family. I feel like I deserve it for not stepping in and rescuing her again. I haven't anything online of people with BP families members who are homeless. I feel like it would be easier to  let go and use the tools in the book if she was settled somewhere and not wandering the streets because of me, but I just don't have the energy or resources to help anymore so I am stuck in this circle of anxiety and guilt and fear because not only does she have BPD but she's also aging will multiple physical health problems as well as Bi-Polar and PTSD issues. I know she needs caring for I just can't bring myself to do it.

I would appreciate ANY advice on how to help myself especially if you've dealt with your loved being on the streets. Traditional therapy doesn't seem to be working for me.

[VitaminC]

Hi mimi,

I'd like to say  .

I am so sorry for what you are going through at the moment. Feeling that you are abandoning your mother because you have put yourself at too much risk to continue taking care of her is a terrible dilemma to find yourself in.  It must feel like the survival of both of you is at stake and the stakes are so high that it is creating terrible distress for you.

You clearly can't continue to do what you were doing before. Your own health and your own family are impacted by it. The decision you have made is the healthiest of the two options.

Please take some time to read through the information in the banner on the right here, especially the Lessons: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307. It will give you information, perspective, and some relief from your immediate feelings of guilt. I do understand the guilt of not taking care of our parents when we seem to be the only ones who can do that. It is wrenching.   

Other members will chime in and offer you their support, understanding, and their own experiences. I have found that feeling understood has given me the biggest gifts.

Keep writing, mimi, it will help.   

[Turkish]

I'm about at a similar point. I don't know where you are,  but in California where I am,  Adult Protective Services has stepped in.  I'm currently NC with my mother due to her accusations off criminal behavior towards her on my part.  I am,  however,  in touch with the social worker. 

Is there an agency like Adult Protective Services where you are whom you can call for advice? 

My mother can never come back to live with me.  She accused my little children of stealing from her as well,  and as painful as it may be to say,  they are my primary family who need my protection.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Mimi,

You are going through a tough time, its understandable that you will get stressed and anxious. But I would recommend reaching out of support, otherwise it will overwhelm you. That’s only human. I would follow Turks advice and call the various local places. Often we children are not the best placed to help as we may trigger easily and our patience may have been worn thin. So if it helps, I really can not see why you should feel guilt. Truly. But I totally understand why you do (F.O.G.). I would recommend getting a dialog going with someone who can centre you in times of anxiety. So for example, here or the various helplines Turk suggests or charities.

It is worth noting that traditional Therapy such as CBT doesn’t tend to work if you are highly agitated. So I wouldn’t write that off as an option, but right now you are probably right, it won’t work. But you should get help to reduce the anxiety, your Dr will have plenty of suggestions  as it is a common ailment these days, and there is a long list of solutions these days. As they say, do reach out, sounds like you do need help and you deserve help. If you tried to house your mother, you’ve done all you can.  We are not necessarily the best placed to help our BPD relatives, and in honesty we feel way too much unjust guilt, due to how we were brought up. But please use this website as a sounding board, if that helps. Ask as many questions as you want.

[bagel]

That sounds incredibly stressful.  You are in the middle of a crisis, and need to take care of yourself.  When we're in crisis mode, it's hard to find the energy to dig for available resources.  Do you have a friend or family member who might be able to look into resources for you (and your mom, if you want), so that all you have to do is make a call?

From an internet stranger: You do not have to feel guilty.  You did not create this mess and your mother's mess is not about you.  Your only really obligation is to take care of yourself right now.  You will get through this.

[isilme]

My BPD mother's actions have lead to our whole family being homeless a week before Christmas when I was 14, and her being homeless off and on once people see through her victim facade and she loses the ability to use them.  

We are NC, since she won't forgive me for not giving up my life and moving up to her state to wait on her hand and foot and work for her as she sees is my duty.  I can't deal with the guilt-laden phone calls, and we finally went NC.  She would either through disordered thinking, or planned crises, try to make me come take care of her through evictions, arrests, and losing her job.  I simply could not at the time - I was in my late 20s, early 30s, and had to work my butt off to makes ends meet for just me - no way I could absorb her as well, even if I thought it would be good for us.

I think your best bet is looking for someone who can help your mom by proxy, like others have suggested.  Reach out to any local shelters, MHMR type places, and see if they can step in while explaining that she is toxic to your family and cannot be in the home with you.  You want to help how you can, but you can even tell them that in your current state in therapy (I call this board my "group therapy" that you have been cautioned about inviting her into your home and need other solutions.  

Also, this may sound mean, but your mom is an adult.  She is not considered a danger to society, or you could have her committed (not that you want to, but I'm showing how the legal system views her).  She is mostly an emotional danger to you, and could possibly be a financial one as well, but she is seen as mostly able to care for herself and therefore responsible for her actions.  No matter how they are to us, our BPD parents are mostly seen as functioning (badly maybe) adults.  As such, they get to make mistakes, and they get to fix them.  We can't stop them, control them, or fix them.  To do so only takes away our own lives, and allows the BPD to dictate what limb of the BPD parent we are.  

It's okay to not take her in.  I think you might need to hear that.  You are allowed to not jump in and help a person whose toxic decisions poorly affect his/her life.

My mom will never admit she lets herself go down the drain to draw in a rescuer - she's like Charybdis in Greek myths, a whirlpool that wants to draw you into your doom.  It's probably not even that conscious a thing for her to do - she just has an instinct and acts on it, and I need to be the one to say, "nope, not going down the rabbit hole with you."  I love my mom.  I pray for her, but I cannot let myself become enmeshed in her again.  So I think I understand how you feel - but you are allowed to not feel guilty for her poor decisions.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Is involuntary commitment possible?  I'd like others to chime in as to how it works and if it would be helpful in this situation.  Generally speaking, it is an excellent idea when experts get involved in any category... .even when expert homeless/shelter agencies get involved.  Possibly it could lead to mental health referrals/intervention.  How about Adult Protective Services as my colleague suggested?

I would totally recommend counseling for yourself.  It is so hard to forgive yourself for having limits to your emotional, financial and physical resources.  We want to lay our lives down for our loved ones---if it is a one time life crises, we can handle it but if it is a pattern, then the choice is to disintegrate ourselves out of guilt or help the mentally ill loved ones using the professional infrastructure in place.

Guilt and shame are undeserved and uncalled for in this situation.  Your attempts at getting professionals involved and social services involved is the best expression of your love... .

And self-care is also another facet of that love you have for your mother.  Ironically, she won't have anyone to call APS on her behalf if she did not have you.

Remember, in an airplane when the pressure drops, the oxygen mask must be placed by the mother on herself before she places it on her child.  The caregiver MUST take care of himself or herself without guilt or shame. Knowing one's boundaries and then acting within your limitations is the most caring act both towards yourself and towards her.  This concept seems contradictory to you at this time, I hope that as you stay with us on the board and as you read on experiences of others, the validity of what I am saying will start to reveal itself to you.

This is not selfishness... .this is love.  It will be love when you call the APS, it will be love when you call the mental health agencies on her behalf, it will be love when you seek counseling for yourself, it will be love when you protect yourself emotionally, financially and physically.

God bless.

[mimi1977]

Thank you all so much for your input! I haven't been coping well at all and was too overwhelmed to even log back on in the last couple days to read the replies but am really glad I did. We are in Oregon and the system here is really bogged down right now. She has been on the Section 8 waiting list for 3 years and denied all her disability appeals. She has a final court date for that in December and I'm hoping the judge will just talk to her and see for sure she is incapable of working (it takes about 3 minutes for people to realize there is something off, ). Although we have tried contacting group homes, inpatient places etc... .there's always some impossible hoop to jump through and it never seems to pan out. She checked herself into inpatient treatment a few weeks life but her Obamacare only paid for 5 days then after that the hospital social worker dropped her at the shelter. I hadn't thought about Adult Protective Services, so thank you for that advice.

I think you are all right in that I need to reprogram myself into knowing that she isn't my responsibility and I need to focus on me. I honestly have never had one single person from pastors to friends to counselors tell me that I should rescue her yet for some reason I always feel it's my job because 1) they don't understand the situation 2)it's not her fault she had a traumatic life and ended up with multiple mental illnesses and 3) guilt is how I've always operated. Knowing that you all have been through similar situations and have had to make decisions to focus on yourself does help me and I'm so glad I found this thread. I literally have never met anyone who mother was mentally ill AND homeless so I was beginning to think I was alone so thank you for replying. I'll definitely be checking out the lessons on the right.