Sister with BPD verbal abuse

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi
I was on here ten years ago when I first figured out my mother had BPD after years of abuse from her the diagnoses helped to set clear guidelines as to how to have a healthy realtionship with her. While I may never fully understand what is going on in her brain I have to always be the grown up one and as they say walk perfectly on eggshells not to set her off. A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown and am steal healing and working with my therapist. I was also verbally abused very harshly by my father. My stories to tell about how I grew up could fill a book so let me switch to my main problem my 4 year younger sister. I've always been like a mother to her but for years she has basically treated me like crap. Ten years ago she would come into town act mad at me demand I drive her to a friends house then give up and say she would stay with me as if giving in. I would wake up in the morning throw on some clothes to get coffee as always but she would protest she wants to go with me but always lounge around call me boring as always never tell me anything about her life but always with this pretentious act where she would go off and make secret phone calls all while I'm waiting for her. Literally some days by four o clock I would finally just say nevermind I'm not going. Other days I would just leave without her to get my morning coffee and then she would say how mean I am or why didn't I bring her stuff. Then there were the subtle nudges she is pretty and around boys they always like her but she always flaunts herself even when we are alone. She at times would say I'm boring, short, fat etc. I'm only maybe four inches shorter if that and if anything at times I was thinner then her. Eventually after all of the exhusting insult and behavior I would finally call her a b___ and she would run off and cry until I had to endlessly apologize or she would run off and tell my brother and he would blame me for being mean. This is very much one of my mother's patterns whom used to start fights with me as a kid in the car then drive to her workplace and run inside crying until someone from her workplace would come out and tell me what a mean daughter I am and how dare I treat my mother poorly. This is the same mother whom would drag me by the hair. Anyway my sister considers my mother crazy and talks to her but is much more mean to her and still mad at her for the own abuse she suffered. So now ten years later not much with my sister has changed. For years I made a rule that I would not let her stay with me but after she saw me and was crying after I had a breakdown I decided she could stay over. She has since become a hairdresser and was going to dye my hair. First thing she says to me when we get to my apt is "we need to cut all your hair off so you don't look so old." etc etc on the same wavelength begging me that it needed to be done. I finally told her "that is not nice. You are allowed to have long hair." she again is only 4 years younger. Later we went to the mall and she would say things like "I can't even pull that off" but then she would ask to go into weird stores she knows I would never shop at and say " Oh this is my favorite store." If anything it seems like she has an identity crisis. I also told her about how when we were young and we went to a Renissance festival she worked there and demanded I drive her and as the mother figure I always felt like I had to be with her I did. So she froliced around and went to all these parties and I would pick her up. She was in high school and had a crush on an older man who worked at a leather store with coressets. When I went with her to meet him I pointed out to her that he was married with a kid. Anyways he was flirting with her and had her try on an outfit. Some other empolyee asked if I wanted to try something on and I said sure with a nervous giggle and the guy turned to my sister and said in regards to me "Your sister is trying to impress me but she is not." I wanted to fall into tears but my sister just kept sucking up all this attention. So last year after telling me I need to cut all my hair off we went to the same festival and I told her this story she didn't say anything but literally spent half the time there walking around saying "where is my leather man?" and taking a zillion selfies of herself. She was around 33 years old last year. So finally after this horrible visit with her a month later I sent her this email telling her how horrible I felt she treated me and I don't need to cut off my hair and instead of responding she sent the texts to my brother who called me asking why I am so mean to her and crazy. I also got engaged but she told my mom she would never come to my wedding bc of the "drama". Now a year later and a year of pain and being told by my mom she says her friends are her family. I have no idea who her friends or boyfriends are bc she rarely tells me anything about her life but plays it up as if it is the best. So now I will be visiting a friend in the same town she lives in over the holidays and she wants to meet but I'm terrified bc being around her makes me feel suicidal. I feel like i need to go on a crash diet so she won't be thinner. I wouldn't feel like this if she was humble or loving but after tons of experiences of her showing off and boys filirting with her and putting her down I don't wanna be anywhere near her. I feel bad becasue I'm her older sister. I should be there for her but everytime we are together she puts me down and if I bring someone with me so she won't call me names they just end up telling me how pretty she is. It makes me want to die. I don't know if she is borderline or it only comes out around me because it reminds her somehow this is how I am to be treated since my father also picked me out of the bunch to abuse. I know she will be hurt if I don't see her but I haven't been able to function right for months anticipating this trip. I'm sorry this is so long but I need advice desperately. If I felt good about myself and my life maybe I could handle it but I can't

[dust09]

Hi
I was on here ten years ago when I first figured out my mother had BPD after years of abuse from her the diagnoses helped to set clear guidelines as to how to have a healthy realtionship with her. While I may never fully understand what is going on in her brain I have to always be the grown up one and as they say walk perfectly on eggshells not to set her off. A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown and am steal healing and working with my therapist. I was also verbally abused very harshly by my father. My stories to tell about how I grew up could fill a book so let me switch to my main problem my 4 year younger sister. I've always been like a mother to her but for years she has basically treated me like crap. Ten years ago she would come into town act mad at me demand I drive her to a friends house then give up and say she would stay with me as if giving in. I would wake up in the morning throw on some clothes to get coffee as always but she would protest she wants to go with me but always lounge around call me boring as always never tell me anything about her life but always with this pretentious act where she would go off and make secret phone calls all while I'm waiting for her. Literally some days by four o clock I would finally just say nevermind I'm not going. Other days I would just leave without her to get my morning coffee and then she would say how mean I am or why didn't I bring her stuff. Then there were the subtle nudges she is pretty and around boys they always like her but she always flaunts herself even when we are alone. She at times would say I'm boring, short, fat etc. I'm only maybe four inches shorter if that and if anything at times I was thinner then her. Eventually after all of the exhusting insult and behavior I would finally call her a b___ and she would run off and cry until I had to endlessly apologize or she would run off and tell my brother and he would blame me for being mean. This is very much one of my mother's patterns whom used to start fights with me as a kid in the car then drive to her workplace and run inside crying until someone from her workplace would come out and tell me what a mean daughter I am and how dare I treat my mother poorly. This is the same mother whom would drag me by the hair. Anyway my sister considers my mother crazy and talks to her but is much more mean to her and still mad at her for the own abuse she suffered. So now ten years later not much with my sister has changed. For years I made a rule that I would not let her stay with me but after she saw me and was crying after I had a breakdown I decided she could stay over. She has since become a hairdresser and was going to dye my hair. First thing she says to me when we get to my apt is "we need to cut all your hair off so you don't look so old." etc etc on the same wavelength begging me that it needed to be done. I finally told her "that is not nice. You are allowed to have long hair." she again is only 4 years younger. Later we went to the mall and she would say things like "I can't even pull that off" but then she would ask to go into weird stores she knows I would never shop at and say " Oh this is my favorite store." If anything it seems like she has an identity crisis. I also told her about how when we were young and we went to a Renissance festival she worked there and demanded I drive her and as the mother figure I always felt like I had to be with her I did. So she froliced around and went to all these parties and I would pick her up. She was in high school and had a crush on an older man who worked at a leather store with coressets. When I went with her to meet him I pointed out to her that he was married with a kid. Anyways he was flirting with her and had her try on an outfit. Some other empolyee asked if I wanted to try something on and I said sure with a nervous giggle and the guy turned to my sister and said in regards to me "Your sister is trying to impress me but she is not." I wanted to fall into tears but my sister just kept sucking up all this attention. So last year after telling me I need to cut all my hair off we went to the same festival and I told her this story she didn't say anything but literally spent half the time there walking around saying "where is my leather man?" and taking a zillion selfies of herself. She was around 33 years old last year. So finally after this horrible visit with her a month later I sent her this email telling her how horrible I felt she treated me and I don't need to cut off my hair and instead of responding she sent the texts to my brother who called me asking why I am so mean to her and crazy. I also got engaged but she told my mom she would never come to my wedding bc of the "drama". Now a year later and a year of pain and being told by my mom she says her friends are her family. I have no idea who her friends or boyfriends are bc she rarely tells me anything about her life but plays it up as if it is the best. So now I will be visiting a friend in the same town she lives in over the holidays and she wants to meet but I'm terrified bc being around her makes me feel suicidal. I feel like i need to go on a crash diet so she won't be thinner. I wouldn't feel like this if she was humble or loving but after tons of experiences of her showing off and boys filirting with her and putting her down I don't wanna be anywhere near her. I feel bad becasue I'm her older sister. I should be there for her but everytime we are together she puts me down and if I bring someone with me so she won't call me names they just end up telling me how pretty she is. It makes me want to die. I don't know if she is borderline or it only comes out around me because it reminds her somehow this is how I am to be treated since my father also picked me out of the bunch to abuse. I know she will be hurt if I don't see her but I haven't been able to function right for months anticipating this trip. I'm sorry this is so long but I need advice desperately. If I felt good about myself and my life maybe I could handle it but I can't

[dust09]

Hi
I was on here ten years ago when I first figured out my mother had BPD after years of abuse from her the diagnoses helped to set clear guidelines as to how to have a healthy realtionship with her, including this website. While I may never fully understand what is going on in her brain I have to always be the grown up one and as they say walk perfectly on eggshells not to set her off but I have now been able to have a pretty good relationship with her keeping strong boundries and not living near her.  A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown and I am still healing and working with my therapist. I was also verbally abused very harshly by my father. The stories I have about how I grew up could fill a book so let me switch to my main problem my 4 year younger sister. I've always been like a mother to her but for years she has basically treated me like crap. Ten years ago when she lived closer she would come into town act mad towards me and demand I drive her to a friends house but then  she would give up and say she would stay with me as if giving in. I would wake up in the morning throw on some clothes to get coffee as always but she would protest that she wanted to go with me. I would wait around for hours just to get my am coffee as she would lounge around and call me " boring", never telling me anything about her life but always with this pretentious act where she would go off and make secret phone calls all while I'm waiting for her just to get dressed to get coffee. Even if she did get dressed it takes her over an hour with makeup etc... but Literally some days by four o clock she would finally just say "nevermind I'm not going." Other days I would just leave without her to get my morning coffee and  she would say how mean I am or why didn't I bring her stuff. Then there were the subtle nudges. She is pretty and around boys they always like her but she always flaunts herself even when we are alone. She at times would say I'm "boring, short, fat" etc. All while I'm waiting around for her all day just to get dressed and get my am coffee. Besides I'm only maybe four inches shorter if that and if anything at times I was thinner then her. Eventually after all of the exhusting insults and behavior I would finally snap and call her a "b___" and she would run off and cry until I had to endlessly apologize or she would run off and tell my brother and he would blame me for being mean. This is very much one of my mother's patterns whom used to start fights with me as a kid in the car then drive to her workplace and run inside crying until someone from her workplace would come out and tell me what a mean daughter I am and how dare I treat my mother poorly. This is the same mother whom would drag me by the hair. Anyway my sister considers my mother crazy and talks to her but is much more mean to my mother and is still mad at her for the own abuse she suffered but my sister seems to have no awareness of how messed up her own behavior is. When I do something wrong I know it but my sister doesn't seem to have this self reflection, at least not with me. I have always shared my life with my sister and given her the best advice. Even if I was feeling envious I never acted on it and have always given her the best heartfelt advice.So now ten years later not much with my sister has changed. For years without my sister knowing I made a rule that I would not let her stay with me but meet somewhere out for lunch and bring a friends bc she would never be mean in front of someone else. The first time after I had my breakdown when she saw me she was crying so I broke my rules and decided she could stay over afterall I thought she had matured but not at all. She has since become a hairdresser and was going to dye my hair. First thing she says to me when we get to my apt is "we need to cut all your hair off so you don't look so old." etc etc on the same wavelength begging me that it needed to be done. I finally told her "that is not nice. You are allowed to have long hair." she again is only 4 years younger but she just smirked at me. Later we went to the mall and she would say things like "I can't even pull that off" but then she would ask to go into weird stores she knows I would never shop at and say " Oh this is my favorite store." If anything it seems like she has an identity crisis. I also told her about how when we were young and we went to a Renissance festival where she worked as a teenager and demanded I drive her and as the mother figure I always felt like I had to be with her. She got to frolic around and went to all these parties and I would pick her up all sad and depressed with no friends. She was in high school at the time and had a crush on an older man who worked at a leather store which sold sexy outfits. When I went with her to meet him I pointed out to her that he was married with a kid but she didn't care. Anyways he was flirting with her and had her try on an outfit. Some other empolyee asked if I wanted to try something on and I said sure with a nervous giggle and the guy turned to my sister and said in regards to me "Your sister is trying to impress me but she is not." I wanted to fall into tears but my sister just kept sucking up all this attention because she was surrounded by all these guys telling her how hot she looked. So last year after telling me I need to cut all my hair off we went to the same festival and I told her this story she didn't say anything about it or apologize to me or say "thats horrible" or anything but literally spent half the time there walking around saying "where is my leather man?" and taking a zillion selfies of herself. She was around 33 years old last year. So finally after this horrible visit with her a month later I sent her this text telling her how horrible I felt she treated me and I don't need to cut off my hair and instead of responding she sent the texts to my brother who called me accusing me of having another breakdown. I also got engaged but my sister told my mom she would never come to my wedding bc of the "drama". I can now handle a relationship with as my therapist says my "Very BPD mom" more then my sister because my mom still is crazy as hell but doesn't put me down and I have found a system for how to handle her. So after this text I sent my sister saying how upset I was and how ugly I feel she cut me off completely which has been the most painful thing I have been adjusting to. Now a year later and a year of pain and being told by my mom my sister says her friends are her family and not us she suddenly out of nowhere started texting me emoji hearts and kisses back after ignoring the few very sad texts I sent her over the last year as if nothing happened. I couldn't even hear her name without going into a rage and crying my eyes out. Nevermind I have no idea who her friends or boyfriends are bc she rarely tells me anything about her life but plays it up as if it is the best and I imagine has dated many guys unlike me. She works at the door of a strip club in NYC for extra money even though we come from an educated family. So now I will be visiting a friend in NYC over the holidays and my sister wants to meet but I'm terrified bc being around her makes me feel suicidal. I feel like i need to go on a crash diet so she won't be thinner. I wouldn't feel like this if she was humble or loving even if she was a supermodel I would love to see her but after tons of experiences of her showing off and boys filirting with her and putting me down I don't wanna be anywhere near her. I feel bad becasue I'm her older sister. I should be there for her but everytime we are together she puts me down and if I bring someone with me so she won't call me names they just end up telling me how pretty she is. It makes me want to die. I don't know if she is borderline or it only comes out around me because it reminds her somehow this is how I am to be treated since my father also picked me out of my siblings to abuse. I know she will be hurt if I don't see her but I haven't been able to function right for months anticipating this trip. I'm sorry this is so long but I need advice desperately. If I felt good about myself and my life maybe I could handle it but I my life kinda sucks at the moment and I feel horrible about myself. I always wanted a loving sister who always has my back but I have finally come to terms that this is what my relationship with my sister looks like and I don't know how to fit her into my life when she always brings me pain but I feel bad cutting her off. Any advice would be great.

[sad but wiser]

You have a right not to see her.  Even if she is family.  You ahve a right to care for yourself.  You have a right to do what keeps you healthy.  And if she loves you, she will ant what is,best for,you, too.  And if she doesn't love you, you have a right to do,what keeps you healthy.  No excuses.  If you decide not to see her, just say, "I don't want to meet up at this time."

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome back dust09:  
I'm so sorry about the situation with your family and all that you have been through. I'm wondering if the caretaker role you assumed for you sister might have something to do with some of your relationship problems.  Have you discussed your sister with your therapist?

You can't change your sister, but you can change the way you interact and react.  

I feel bad because I'm her older sister. I should be there for her but every time we are together she puts me down and if I bring someone with me so she won't call me names they just end up telling me how pretty she is. It makes me want to die. I don't know if she is borderline or it only comes out around me because it reminds her somehow this is how I am to be treated since my father also picked me out of the bunch to abuse. I know she will be hurt if I don't see her but I haven't been able to function right for months anticipating this trip. I'm sorry this is so long but I need advice desperately. If I felt good about myself and my life maybe I could handle it but I can't

Your sister needs to understand that it's not okay to be cruel to you.  Maybe you could draft a letter to your sister.  You could perhaps, gain the input of your therapist.  


My therapist suggested that I use "I" Statements with my sister.  Examples would be:

Situation 1:  Name Calling
Feeling: I feel angry and frustrated
When You or When:  When you call be an "F" ing B_tch.
Because: I don't want to be around someone who calls me names.  It only causes harm and doesn't resove anything.
Statement:  I feel angry and frustrated when you call me a name, because it only causes harm and doesn't resolve anything.


Situation 2:  Rushing towards me during a fit of rage
Feeling: Threatened
When You or When:  When you are angry and get too physically close
Because: It appears as if I'm about to be hit.  
Statement:  I feel threatened when you are angry and get too physically close, as it appears as if I'm about to be hit.

The tutorial below might be helpful:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

www.compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements

The links below to articles about FOG and boundaries will likely be helpful:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

What do you think about practicing some "I" statements with your therapist and start working on some boundaries?