In this webinar, Bill Eddy talks about BIFF (a technique for communicating with a high-conflict parent), as well as EAR, (an approach that uses validation to avoid aggravating further conflict), and How To Make a Proposal, or how to frame things so that the high-conflict parent does not dwell on the past, and instead focuses on proposals and solutions.

Bill discusses these skills and tools while adding a lot of helpful insight into dealing with high-conflict people, and points out that not all people with BPD are equally high-conflict. Some are more than others. He also describes three types of high-conflict parents:

1) generally cooperative;
2) pretty uncooperative, not dangerous; and
3) uncooperative, potentially dangerous. (These are people who tend to have substance abuse issues and may have prior history of DV, and possibly a comorbid Axis I disorder that is not being treated.)

Some highlights from the webinar:

BIFF: (for responding to hostile communication)

Brief: Keep it brief. Long explanations and arguments trigger upsets for HCPs.
Informative: Focus on straight information, not arguments, opinions, emotions, or defending yourself (you don’t need to).
Friendly: have a friendly greeting (such as “Thanks for responding to my request”); close with a friendly comment (such as “Have a good weekend”).
Firm: Have your response end the conversation. Or give two choices on an issue and ask for a reply by a certain date.

According to Eddy, the more you write, the bigger a target there is for them to aim at. Use your judgment about your particular situation. Eddy spends time discussing specific examples.
 
EAR Statement: Empathy, Attention, & Respect.

This skill is similar to validation. Eddy points out that depending on the type of high-conflict co-parent, this may or may not be as useful. He described the three types this way:

Three types of PD types and how to communicate:

*Generally cooperative: The way you talk can make a difference
*Pretty uncooperative, not dangerous: Best to avoid F2F discussions.
*Uncooperative, dangerous: DV, significant substance abuse, child abuse, extreme alienation, other mental illnesses. In these cases, you are probably not going to want to interact F2F. Or, if you do, keep it to an absolute minimum.

For this reason, EAR is used with BPD sufferers who are generally cooperative, whereas BIFF is more often used with pretty uncooperative or uncooperative people with BPD where F2F interactions are not manageable.

EAR Example: “I can understand your frustration -- this is a very important decision in your life. Don’t worry, I will pay full attention to your concerns about this issue and any proposals you want to make. I have a lot of respect for your commitment to solving this problem, and I look forward to solving it too."

Eddy describes how a person with BPD works: The right brain tends to be very creative, sees the big picture, and also seems to be responsible for detecting threats in the big picture. The left brain is responsible for analyzing problems, coming up with solutions, and looking at details. With someone who is BPD, Eddy describes how, metaphorically, the right hemisphere of their brain splits off and hits the roof. When we use EAR statements, we're trying to bring the right half of the brain down off the ceiling so we can discuss proposals and solutions.

People with BPD often feel there is a threat. It's best to turn things into a “we” problem in order to reach a solution. He describes some different ways that high-conflict people are triggered. Below, the left phrase is their fear, and the right side is how we respond:

Being abandoned: I want to help you, I respect your efforts
Being seen as inferior: I’ll pay attention, I’ll listen
Being ignored: Its just rules we all have to follow

Some other helpful tips:

*Avoid believing or agreeing with content
*Avoid volunteering to “fix it” for them (in an effort to calm down their emotions. High-conflict people blame others who make decisions for them. Don’t become responsible for their problem by suggesting the solution.)
*Be honest about empathy and respect (find something you truly believe).
*If you are stuck, just say, “I’m paying attention, tell me more.”
*Depending on the type of PD, you may want to keep an arms-length relationship. Don’t get too close.
*Also, keep in mind. You don’t have to listen forever. HCPs don’t seem to grieve and heal losses. They keep repeating the past over and over. They don’t get things off their chest, which causes them to complain over and over. Give them an EAR statement, and then ask them for their proposal.
*Sometimes, the best response is no response.