+Having a relationship with our non-BP son and his BP wife

[Josey]

We want a relationship with our son and his wife. We were recently given an ultimatum of having to make a 'sincere apology' before we are allowed to spend time with them. We don't know how to respond. We are willing to apologize but  fear that will only lead to another request and another and another. They were married 8 months ago and we learned only weeks before the wedding that our daughter in law has BPD. We made mistakes before the wedding, insisting that our daughter, our sons only sibling be included in the wedding party. Our BP daughter in law would say "I want her in my wedding. I don't want her in my wedding. She is not happy enough for me". Before the wedding her mother was her target of rage. Now, we the in-laws, are her target. Our son asked us to step back and give them time to begin their life together.  We had dinner with them last month, our first interaction with her since the wedding. It was awkward but peaceful. We talk or text with our son only occasionally. He contacts us when they want something. We had a happy phone conversation with him last week and we asked if they would like to join us for Thanksgiving. The next day we received a text from his phone that obviously came from her, stating that they would not be at Thanksgiving, a decision they made together, and that it is not right for us to continue to have a relationship with him while ignoring her, they are one, so it's both or none. Now, she wants a sincere apology for treating her badly at her wedding - "until that happens we will not be a family". I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. We understand her behavior so much more now. Our heart breaks for her and we fear for our son. When they were dating he would call to talk about her "panic attacks". He no longer confides in us. Giving them space and time hasn't helped her and it has made him more isolated.

[jdtm]

I am so sorry - you will be "damned" if you do and "damned" if you don't.  Our first-born son married an uBPD two decades ago.  Frankly, our life was hell - got worse when the grandchildren arrived.   Eventually our DIL left our son and abandoned her children.  Both have since remarried and our grandchildren are doing O.K.  We have been rebuilding our "family" for the past few years. 

I have lived what you are living.  You will never get it right, ever.  Your DIL does not want you in her life - period.  I believe the majority of estrangements in families will have BPD at its root.  So, what to do?  The best thing we did was to move on with our life - new interests, new travels, new friends, new holiday traditions - we even moved.  It took us a long time before we realized this was our only way to "survive".  Being around friends and family only intensified our pain.  Today, we are in a rebuilding phase with them.

Luckily, our former DIL did not like childcare so we were able to babysit our grandchildren.  My husband did the interacting with our son - it caused fewer problems.  For several years, we had absolutely no contact with our former DIL (they lived within a mile of us).  I wish I knew then what I know now - the time and energy wasted trying and trying and trying to find a solution.  I could not believe there was no answer except "move on".  Frankly, I am surprised that we have survived.

This site really helps - we had over a decade of pain before I heard of the term BPD.  Knowing and understanding does help some.  I hope your DIL is not as severe in her BPD as our exDIL (although it doesn't look it).  So sorry ... .

[Josey]

jdtm, thank you for your response.

My son and DIL are so young, just 23 years old. They've been together since high school. He never dated anyone else. We knew she was a drama queen and we used to think they complimented one another. She being very outgoing and our son being very quiet and shy. He seemed to tone her down and she brought him out of his shell. Her family calls him a saint. We feel so deceived by her parents.  Her mother actually told me "I'm glad she's no longer our burden".

A month before the wedding I asked him to postpone it,  seek counseling, and stop the rush. She (DIL) was fixated on the fabulous wedding and that was going to make everything OK. She has already threatened us with "you will never see your grandchildren".

We were hopeful that months after their wedding we could start anew without rehashing the drama. I was hopeful that I still might reach him before she totally destroys him and before children! I'm trying to find opportunities to let him know we are here for him.

As I read other stories, I cry, I sob. I'm glad you are mending. This gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.

[Notwendy]

Hi Josey,

I am sorry you are going through this. I think it is heinous to sever someone's relationship with their parent. I observed this as a daughter to my BPD mom. The silver lining is that, she wasn't interested in childcare, and neither was her FOO, so we spent extensive time with my fathers FOO since they opened their doors and hearts to us. Sadly, BPD mom controlled my father, but we kids were a handful for her ( we were good kids, she just wasn't interested in child care) and she was glad to let us visit.

I agree with jdtm saying that she thinks the separations in families include BPD. It astounds me that someone like my mother can have so much control over people, but the other side of this is that the other person allows it. I became interested in this situation as I could not believe that my mother would sever my father's relationship with me, his own adult daughter, but she did, and he allowed it.

Part of this, I think, with a BPD woman is gender. My mother was different with male siblings. I also think jdtm's idea of having her husband be the main contact is a wise one. My mother saw me as some kind of competition for what she believed was hers, this included my father's income, and my father's attention as if somehow, him loving his daughter could compete with his love for her. So add to this his mother, and his sisters.

My father's family were wise to not say anything negative about my mother to us when we were little or my parents were married, but after Dad died, I heard the entire story from them. They disliked my mother from the get go and even heard a similar statement at the wedding about thank goodness my father can take care of her now.

I'd like to think that my sibs and I are the silver lining of the marriage- and we are glad to be here- glad they married and had us. This may not feel like a consolation to you now, but maybe this is part of a larger plan that surely includes us. We've had our struggles with BPD mom, but my parents raised decent human beings.

We also were close to my father's family and our kids remain close to their cousins. We are estranged from BPD mother's family after she painted me black to them.

Insisting on anyone in the wedding was probably a violation of sorts- and particularly a female relative. The groom can choose groomsmen, but the bride chooses the bridal party. Now, a bride who truly embraced the joining of two families would include the sisters of the groom anyway.

I can't help but notice the similarities between your posts and HopeForPeace's posts. Perhaps the information on that thread can help you.

But I think jdtm has the right idea- to leave the door open and move on- as hard as that is. Read about the drama triangle. There needs to be a target, a persecutor and so long as you are in this tugging for a relationship with your son, she will see you as the persecutor, herself as the victim, and your son will step in to rescue her. I observed this countless times with my parents. A daughter doesn't give up trying to get her Dad's love easily- but the more I tried, the more my mother went into victim mode and my father rescued her. The other thing I observed is that this pattern stablized them in a way. When they had someone to project their bad feelings onto, to blame, to put in victim stance- they focused on that and not their own issues. My parents seemed most loving together when they were mad at somebody else.

While I saw my father as a victim and tried to rescue him, that seemed to backfire every time. I'd end up with both of them mad at me.

Co dependency counseling helped me to focus less on fixing the situation, trying ( without much success) to get back into good graces with my parents and more on validating myself and coming to terms with feeling rejected by my father who was placed in a no win situation.

So- apologize as asked, for what I am not sure, but apologize anyway. You are correct- this could be the first of many ultimatums if you stay on the triangle with them. But for this one time, do this- for closure in a way, then step back. Still reach out to your son once in a while ( let his father do that) . Tell him you love him would like to see him anytime, they are both welcome and let that part be.

The future is unknown, the relationship may or may not last, but a first step is to step off the drama triangle.  She may then find a new target.