oh dear, what now?

[icky]

. it's turned into the kind of relationship i would never, ever, ever willingly go into.

. bizarrely, when i've tried to (gently) point this out to him, he's told me i'm silly/ ridiculous/ rude/ wrong/ weird

[icky]

it's weird, isn't it - in a healthy relationship, the trust would grow over time, slowly become more. if something damages the trust, you try and fix it. in a BPD relationship, it often seems to decrease over time and fixing it seems impossible

[icky]

you know, these past six months, he's not respected a single opinion i've said (unless it coincidentally happens to match his own opinion!). all my opinions have been either ignored, talked over the top of, been called ridiculous or (possibly worst of all) have been "tolerated" in a patronising way. grrrr

[icky]

(do you want to know something funny?  my BPD partner hates forums. hates, hates, hates them. and he hates it twenty times more, if i post in them and a hundred times more if i post anything that has to do with our relationship, no matter how much i protect his and our privacy by not giving details). if he knew i was posting here, that would end the relationship immediately for him, i think.

[icky]

because my partner and i are in a long-distance relationship, a lot of our talking is done via email. i just thought i'd go back and check to see if i could find an email about the FIRST BIG BPD MELTDOWN and, yup, i did. it all started in May. and it's gotten progressively more broken, from there on in.

[icky]

so, during the idealization phase, was it a combination of him wearing his social BPD mask and being on a high from falling in love? once we got to know each other to the point where i could see behind his mask and once reality started kicking in after the idealization phase - is that when the BPD stuff started becoming visible and starting coming to the forefront? i'm guessing he both wanted and didn't want me to see behind his social mask. on the one hand, he must yearn for someone to see behind his mask and see him as he truly is. on the other hand he must be petrified of it, because he's so frail and broken behind that mask, that being see feels unbearable. ?

[icky]

it's like the idealization phase was keeping some magic, protective bubble in place for him, which made everything be fine, made him feel wonderful and okay, made me seem perfect to him, made everything feel magical and special and safe and heavenly. the second it burst, cos reality crept it, it was a downward spiral from there on in

[patientandclear]

I think a profound yes to your last several comments.

My ex is rarely communicative about what is really going on under his impulsive actions and decisions and the surface rationalization for them.  But a few months back, when we were last in touch, he finally confided that a big problem for him with me is that he feels like he is, or will be seen as, a bad guy.  He needs (his word) to be far away from that.  I know his history, I also have been hurt by him, all is not perfect.  For me, that's all fine.  But either he can't believe that, or it's actually not OK with him.  I am no longer a mirror making him see himself as good -- even though, to me, he is good (though he has acted in hurtful ways that, to be good, he should at some point reckon with and try to stop -- a topic I have never yet broached with him).  He knows that I know the things that, to him, make him a bad person -- things he has done to others, but also, awful things done to him that make him feel terrible about himself.

He wants to be with someone who knows nothing of that.

Then, he would like me also to be around as the chronicler and the one who knows, without rejecting him.  So yes, he wants both things; I think you're right about that.  My ex's approach is to lodge those in two different people (which doesn't work for me).  But that ambivalence is probably huge for your person -- he wants you to know him but he doesn't believe it's possible or will work out, plus, it felt great for a time to be viewed in this pristine way, and the erosion of that feels like a loss.

That's my best interpretation based on a lot of watching and listening.

[icky]

. : )  thanks. i think that describes it very well

[icky]

right, i've not heard back from him yet - maybe he needs time to process stuff. i'm going to get some sleep, i have to get up in a few hours. thank you for a safe space in which to blurt and think in. thank you so much for the kind, caring support!  xxx. i hope to give it back in kind, asap  : )

[patientandclear]

Good for you for not leaping to conclusions.  My therapist says my ex needs 30 times more time to process each of these stages than I do ... .so your idea that he may need some space seems right.

And good for you for going to sleep.  It will all still be there tomorrow!  Good luck with your conversation.

[waverider]

right, i've not heard back from him yet - maybe he needs time to process stuff

i'm going to get some sleep, i have to get up in a few hours

thank you for a safe space in which to blurt and think in

thank you so much for the kind, caring support!  xxx

i hope to give it back in kind, asap  : )

Yep take a breather, nothing happens quickly in the big scheme of things. The more you focus on things the more likely you are to react impulsively.

The pause button is your friend

[icky]

haha, thanks for that : ). (woke up 5 hours later, absolutely no response yet (silence) which did rattle me a bit). i'm going to try and convince myself it's a good sign - that he's actually taking time to think about this stuff, instead of just outright dismiss it. sigh. : ). thanks for the support! x

[icky]

no response yet. (which is fine. i needed time to think too.). so i guess i'll give him a week, before i ask for an answer. how on earth am i going to distract myself for a whole week? : P .

[icky]

. The pause button is your friend.

. i love this  : )

[icky]

. ooh. i just had an epiphany. you know how BPD's will confuse us, by talking "pure emotion" ? and we try and interact with them on a rational level and we find the things they say odd? WELL - maybe it's like 2 different languages! non language = rational, thoughts, some emotion sprinkled in. BPD language = pure emotion. so. when we talk to them with all our thinky, logical stuff, maybe they don't understand squat either! maybe to them, we sound like how the grown-ups used to sound in the charlie brown comics? rember those? the grown ups would just make this "maah mawwh maaaa merrr marrr meh maaaah maawh" noise while their mouths moved. maybe while we're talking and talking and talking, trying to explain stuff to them, all it translates to them as is either "i love you", "i don't love you", "things are okay", "things are not okay". so probly, we may as well just SHUT UP. hahahaha. cos you know, these past six months, whenever i'd gently try and start a constructive talk about something in our relationship that wasn't "quite right" (and given it was BPD craziness, there was a need to address some stuff!) all my BPD bf heard was "i don't like you" and "you're no good". (he told me this, over and over. everytime i'd try and talk to him, he'd yell in frustration "why do you keep CRITICISING me and telling me i'm crap?". when that was NOT what i had been saying at all. but in those six months of me trying to patiently, gently talk about this stuff, explaining it slowly and in detail, giving examples, admitting where i'd contributed to stuff or gotten confused... ALL he ever said (feeling genuinely sad) was "can you please stop criticising me and telling me i'm crap". so what if it's basically two languages. ? that means it's not just them saying weird stuff, we can't understand. that means it goes both ways. we say stuff that they think is tootally weird and completely confusing (and hurtful). no wonder they look so confused and frustrated and hurt and just want us to stop talking bout all that stuff!

[waverider]

how on earth am i going to distract myself for a whole week?

: P

I would go fishing

Whatever is your equivalent.

I wouldn't keep going round in circles with hypotheticals... See what happens next, before you tie yourself in knots

[waverider]

that means it goes both ways

To a degree, eg if we actually use black and white decisions at times, yes they may arc up, but then they get over it quickly... That is just how they operate. It is only an issue to us because it is not how we operate. However if we try to over explain and try finding compromise it just confuses them as they dont talk the "grey" zone. Hence it backfires

We have to declutter our communications.

Your posting style is high volume, if you communicate with him with the same intensity, it could very well be overloading him.

[icky]

.

. how on earth am i going to distract myself for a whole week? : P .

. I would go fishing . Whatever is your equivalent. I wouldn't keep going round in circles with hypotheticals.See what happens next, before you tie yourself in knots.

. absolutely   ). if i tie myself in knots for a whole week, waiting in anticipation, i'll be exhausted and useless by the end of the week. better to do something constructive and fun. i have lots of work to do this week, so that will go some way to providing distraction. i'm going to blurt here LOTS (just warning everyone, haha, you're gonna get your ear chewed off by me this week, if you don't have anything more sensible to do than listen to me ramble). : ). but i want something additional, like fishing... i'm going to have to think of something. i reckon i'd like something nerdy. i find nerdy stuff really preoccupies my brain nicely. and maybe also something practical, for when i don't want to use my brain so much.). ooh : ). i've got some renovation projects waiting for attention at home - i loove renovating stuff - i'll think of one or two project to complete this week  : ). ooh, and i've been meaning to do a health-fast again - i love doing those, they are so cleansing, so i'll make it a priority to start that on wednesday (my day off). ummm, what else? i want one more activity that will keep my mind busy... i'm supposed to be designing a website for an environmental project. i spose i could do that, but that doesn't feel like "fun", haha. umm... ooh, i know! i've got a (creative) work project that i'm meant to start, but have been postponing cos of all this relationship/ BPD STUFF. i'll start on that : ). that's excellent! cos it means i'll be using the BPD-waiting time this week to catch up on creative work i've not been able to do cos of dealing with so much BPD stuff during the past few months. yay! : ). thanks for encouraging me to brainstorm stuff that'll be helpful to me, in getting through this week. x

[icky]

. Your posting style is high volume, if you communicate with him with the same intensity, it could very well be overloading him.

. hehehe yup, i know  . the thing is, he and i are both talkers and over-communicators - it's something we really enjoyed about each other. however, for him that only applies to outside things. he doesn't like/ isn't able to talk about relationship stuff, other than to give his highly subjective take on his inner world/ our relationship. i had assumed that cos he was great at talking bout soo many things, that would apply to our interpersonal stuff too, but that's not the case.

[icky]

no reply from him today, so it's another 12 hours from now, til i can realistically expect to maybe hear from him. emotionally i'm a bit disappointed and impatient of course, but overall i think it's a good thing that he's taking his time to think things through and before he replies. whether he's maturely thinking this stuff through, or whether he's just going through internal BPD stuff of how-terrible-i-am. either way it's good that he's taking his time to work out what he wants. i do want this situation to start getting resolved - i've been in limbo for 6 months now and that feels like enough. i don't need an "immediate" resolution, but i need tangible steps towards a resolution in the foreseeable future. keepin busy. : )

[formflier]

What are some examples... .or more importantly... ."expectations" of what a tangible step is or looks like.

Good job keeping busy... .

What is the difference in keeping busy and building a life or yourself?

FF

[Meili]

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