Tell jealous husband about colleague?

[ElinorD]

My BP DH is an irrationally jealous person. He is always watching for signs that I'm interested in other men or that other men are after me. It's based on nothing but his fear, and when he's rational he knows this, but it gets the better of him a lot of the time. And he harbors these things. He literally accused me this fall of looking adoringly at one of his coworkers in 1993. There is no way I'd ever have done that if I was single - eew.

Now there's a man I have to deal with for work that I actually think is after me, which has never happened since I got married. Because he doesn't seem discouraged by the fact that I'm married. From everything I can gather about him, he's not an ethical person or someone who cares about anything but his own agenda. There are news stories I dug up on why he got fired from his last job. And he's flirty with me, has asked me out to lunch, tries to talk to me alone, etc. Nothing really over the line, but it concerns me that I will sometimes be in a building alone with him.

I have talked to my boss and a couple of coworkers, so there are people who know my concerns if anything happens. I'm dealing with it by being more formal and distant - and frumpy, when I have meetings with him. It's going better.

I have not told my DH, because he would worry and possibly be inappropriate. He's already accused me of being interested in another man on this project, without having met him (and again, eew. Never.)

DH will probably meet this guy at an open house next month. He may pick up this vibe. But if I tell him before that, he might be horrible.

Would you tell him?

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[jrharvey]

I know its a completely different dynamic with me and you but I have an irrationally jealous girlfriend and was in a similar situation. I get constantly questioned about even having female coworkers at all. She questions and gets suspicious that I even receive emails from females even if its clearly only work or if its spam mail advertisements.

While I have been dating her I have had a female coworker be flirty with me and ask me out. I simply told her I have a girlfriend and no thank you. I had another girl that I worked with on a project that was not flirty but asked me out for coffee after a meeting. I said the same thing. I told her no thank you and I have a girlfriend. She gave me a weird look, laughed and said I didn't mean it like that. Either way I wanted to avoid any problems.

I decided to tell my girlfriend for 2 reasons. She knew that there would be females interested in me and it was unrealistic to think no girl would ever be attracted to me. Saying it never happens would be hiding stuff. I was honest and told her in hopes that she would begin to trust me if I was honest. I also hoped that she would see that I WOULD tell her things and also do the right thing when put under that situation. It did actually help a little.

The only downside is now she watches very carefully for my coworker. If I work a little late she questions who is there with me and ask if that girl is there or if we have been alone etc... .

She also has asked me questions like... .Have you every talked to her about things that are not work? I was honest and answered... .She ask me how I am doing, what I did over the weekend etc... I answered that I was good and told her that me and my GF went to this place or did this thing. She often would say that I never mentioned my GF and get a little disregulated accusing me of lying but eventually she would center herself again.

Overall I made the right choice. If I had not told her she would continue to just not trust. She would have no examples of me being honest about other females that are interested.

[Naughty Nibbler]

And he's flirty with me, has asked me out to lunch, tries to talk to me alone, etc. Nothing really over the line, but it concerns me that I will sometimes be in a building alone with him.

Guess I'd be in the "no" camp and not tell your husband.  Only you know the degree of grief you will receive from your husband if you tell him.  It your colleague hasn't done anything over the line, you might be feeding your husband's jealousy. What would be the benefit of telling your husband in your situation?  If you tell your husband in advance of the open house, how might your husband act during the open house?  

Maybe you might want to clue in your colleague, that you have a very jealous husband.  Perhaps, that could serve to tame his interest in you.

Best to stay firm and consistent with boundaries. The same boundaries and skills used with a pwBPD can be useful in the work place.  It could be helpful to read or revisit the links below.

BOUNDARIES

BIFF RESPONSE

MEDIUM CHILL
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

If you happen to be in the building alone with the colleague, and he comes to your desk, tell him you don't have time to talk and that you need to be alone to finish your work. When possible, you may want to leave to visit the ladies room, you have to make a call, etc.  

I used to work at a very large corporation.  Most women have experienced the unwanted advances of a flirty male in the work place. I've had that experience.  I even had one of my male supervisors (had several over the years), put his hand on my upper leg, while we were sitting side by side at a computer screen.  I removed his hand, moved my chair farther away and that was the end of his advances towards me.  I chose to not make a scene and I never had a repeat situation with him.

I used to have a problem at work with a married man who had a crush on me.  I had to use various boundaries to get him away from my desk, as he would stop by periodically and want to get into lengthy chats.

If your colleague had done "nothing really over the line", you should be able to handle the situation.  I think if we share every workplace situation with a jealous spouse or significant other, we set the stage for problems.  (especially if the colleague hasn't done anything over the line).

The bottom line is that only you have the best idea of how your husband might react.  You might want to ask yourself if you tell your husband, are you doing that from a position of FOG?