My BPD Wife Admits Her Problem

[RippedTorn]

Maybe people with BPD know that their condition, thoughts and behaviors are not appropriate. My ex wife months before we split up confessed her situation in a number of written communications to me when I was out of town. Unfortunately, after just two weeks of being together again, nothing changed. The jealousies, name calling, belittling, anger and raging continued. But these writings gave me insight into her awareness of the reality. But as this site and others have shown, without years of therapy, they may want to change, but they can't.

Handwritten note
I am not leaving anymore. Tired of running. Time to really work on me. Whatever it is that causes me to feel insecure, need affection, jealous, then angry.

Email
Realizing that I have done mostly everything wrong, starting with expectations of my husband, our marriage, expecting you to fulfill my needs. I am such a dope. Let's don't forget the disrespect and sinful words that have caused damage to our marriage.

Text
I do not know what all you're going to do. But for me, I am finished with controlling of you, the disrespect, neediness, anger and jealousies. God is giving me a new heart. A new heart of love, respect, honor, kindness, understanding. Trust for my Godly husband. And not let any unwholesome words come out of my mouth. This has been the biggest humbling I have ever encountered. Actually feels right in order for God to bring out all the impurities in order to input all of the good loving gifts of a new me.

Card
Two children (she is 68) anxious to grow up & be together. I can be that loving and kind wife for you with the help of our God, your encouragement, faith in me, & power of our prayers. This little one inside me will grow up.

Unfortunately she could not grow up and the abuse continued in such a devastating way that I could no longer endure it and filed for divorce and went NC. I am still so sad that she had a glimmer of the problem in her but could not control her emotions and behavior after so many years of being a person tortured by BPD. Her self destructive behavior led to the very thing she feared - being abandoned. And I am left with guilt and the realization that she will go onto the next victim and I am left with just a shattered dream of what could have been.

[myself]

I feel for you. Hang in there. Accept the positives. Having gone through something similar, I found that some of the guilt felt after was another way of hanging on/not letting go, more than based in fact. It can also be another way to not believe in yourself. 

There were definitely times my gf knew while she was projecting/sabotaging that what she was saying about me was actually about herself. I could see it in her eyes and body language, and she subsequently admitted it to me as well in emails and conversation.

But what happens is what you describe, that it couldn't be controlled. Reading what you shared when she wrote: "I am not leaving anymore. Tired of running. Time to really work on me." I can still hear my own ex saying those exact words, and yes there are moments of truth mixed up in all of this and it seemed she really meant them. But, as it's also said so many times, and is why you and I and so many others finally walk away, 'It's actions not words'. Ours, too.

[One key]

These moments of appearant clarity are very deceiving.
They feed our thinking that there is hope for repair.
They feed our guilt, because now there is a confirmed sick petson ( confirmed by herself) that we could not save nor help.  And aren't we not supposed to not leave wounded people behind on the battlefield.


The problem is that we the non's are seeing these moments as moments of clarity and the BPD dont. If they did the bod would look for help and continue therapy.

To me know the moments of clarity i thought to see in ex gf were just erratic expressions of her side.

And please dont start developing thoughts that you are not supposed to leave sick people behind. We are not supposed to leave wounded soldiers in our team behind on the battlefield. But if that wounded soldier is giving signals that she thinks she is not sick and is shooting at her saviours, than it might be better to move on and leave it like it is.

[confusedbloke]

My ex is in complete denial and blames me for everything... .  I have stupidly mentioned about BPD on numerous occasions - usually when we were arguing... .

If Id have had the messages you had I probably would have stayed, thinking that she was going to do something about it... .So I guess Im glad she hasn't.  I just want to concentrate on my kids now and put them at the top of my priority list... .  Whereas before my ex was... .even though she continually said that she was 5th on my list of priorities... ."that old chestnut"... .

Well done anyway - you seem to be sorting things out!