Careful contact

[foggydew]

Seems I'm back on this board again. Friend has reached out carefully, still apparently considering me at fault, but willing not to talk about it. The most recent contact was based on a nice gesture of his months ago ... he praised me and tried to ensure I was honoured for some efforts I had made. He got an official letter and contacted me about it. It's actually as much about him as me, but it's the thought that counts.
We've had a couple of reasonable phone calls, and he is coming here on Thursday (but not merely to see me). I want to open up communication again - but I'm really afraid of saying the wrong thing. The point is that he should go to hospital before he goes to rehab, but feels he can't afford it. He doesn't want to be indebted to me or anyone else, he says. He also has a large fine to pay, and costs for car involved the accident he had. They are surely his problems - hm, I suppose I should stop trying to enforce my view of life on him. Just listen and say little, and try to have a bit of fun time so he feels ok and motivated and not pushed into anything.
Most definitely I am not going to make him the centre of my life again - I have managed to start a few things now, so I'm not desperate for company - but I do want to have our friendship back again. Have to see if he does too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

I just have to add that I am flabbergasted at the enormity of this disorder, especially in my friend - and as seen in many of the postings here. A part ability to function normally, especially when emotions are not involved, coupled with an inability to process emotions or communicate in an appropriate way. And even that is intermittent. So it seems you never really know what you are dealing with, and this unpredictability causes so much stress, even without our own emotions and hurt. Russian roulette, practically. We all suffer.

[Meili]

Hey you! 

It sounds like you've had some good interactions with your friend. That's nice to hear!

It's also great to hear about all of the changes that you've been making within yourself.

Not trying to solve his problems or force your view on life on him will serve you well.

it seems you never really know what you are dealing with, and this unpredictability causes so much stress, even without our own emotions and hurt. Russian roulette, practically. We all suffer.

This is the very reason that we should establish boundaries to protect ourselves. It sounds like you're doing that which is awesome!

[foggydew]

Thanks, Meili. Nice to have some support.
Friend was here. It went pretty well - keeping off delicate topics on the whole, generally keeping emotional distance and nevertheless trying to show support. I tried to make sure he felt ok here, met good people, had a pleasant time. It was fine for me too - the people are mostly my friends. He was also helpful with my technical problems. No criticism or devaluation.
But today he left, and although he was polite and quite friendly, the total lack of emotional contact hurts. Yes, I can stay at his flat when I'm down there -as (he said) there is probably no local youth hostel. Hey, I lent him a deposit on his flat, which he hasn't paid back yet. He will be back here if he has to do some work in his tenant's flat. No mention of friendly contact. He thanked me for putting him up and cooking for him, buying drinks. So it was positive, but he is still creating distance. Ok, it's ok, but I still need to talk about it somewhere. It makes me feel so alone.

[Meili]

Yeah, the emotional distance does seem to create a feeling of loneliness and hurt. 

I'm glad to hear that the interactions were good.

Where do you want things to go from here?

[foggydew]

Thanks for your reply, Meili. Where I want things to go? I'd like to have my trusted friend status back again. The one that disappeared months ago for no obvious reason.
The first evening here this time it seemed to be back... we talked all night. And laughed. And reminisced. But then it seemed to go again. There is no-one else in the supportive role for him... he doesn't allow anyone to get too close. His brother would like contact but is always fobbed off with some excuse (I know the excuses aren't really true). He always says he doesn' t want to be the black sheep all the time. He has also been told that personal contact and support will be beneficial for his recovery during the alcohol addiction therapy. That too is what I'd like to do, as I know my attitude in this respect is ok. Had enough experience and professional advice.
But how to get there?

[Meili]

Let's not forget that pwBPD feel emotions far more intensely than others. Perhaps he's guarded because he feels a great deal of shame and thus fears being abandoned? We'll never know what is actually going on inside of him though.

How do you get back to the trusted friend status? By showing him, slowly, over time, that you are his trusted friend.

Of course, pwBPD have an extremely difficult time trusting others, so you'll have to find a way to disarm his defense mechanisms.