what I've learned ... looking back~

[Depression = 72% of members]

Advice from someone who is now out of a relationship (was married for 10+ years).
I'm now 3 years out, and very happy in life, and in a wonderful relationship.

First thing is to no long except this type of behaviour.

Stay calm
    practice being calm and patient throughout the day.
        getting calmer then you currently are at the moment.
        - this will develop a habit ... .and it will enrich your life
    remember ... .you will fail and feel it "does not work"
        recognize that since you were already practicing being calm,
        you did better then you would have without the practice.  This will encourage
        you to keep the practice.

carry a recorder, and have her assume that it is on at all times.  This has kept her in line more
then once, including times when she called the police.  Of course, she has stolen many of the
recorders, until my lawyer said she was destroying evidence.

Offer to sit down and talk in a "rational way" - they will not accept this (a sign of BPD).
    This has helped when people/family have confronted me about things (lies) she has said.
    I mention that I have offered to discuss and be open on anything, and she has not accepted,

state the facts in every blame attack, and leave it at that. My other responses have been:
    "that's not all that has happened/was said", "would you like to sit down and discuss",
    and plain old "you are lying"

If/when you do anything wrong ... .make it right on your terms, and what you feel is fair.
    When it is brought up (blame attack), remind her that you have already made it right, but
    would be willing to sit down and discuss if she would like (never happens).
 
Let her know that "she does not need to be this way", and that there are better ways
to handle things.  I will also let her know that her baviour is not acceptable and it is
the reason that I have filed for divorce (when that topic is brought up).

remember ... a part of her is emotionally a young/little girl, and her behaviour is a
"sophisticated" (professional?) temper tantrum trying to get her (selfish) way, or punish you.
Since we all learn early that childish temper tantrums and bullying are not socially
acceptable, they are much more advanced in their tactics.

[Victor7]

Advice from someone who is now out of a relationship (was married for 10+ years).
I'm now 3 years out, and very happy in life, and in a wonderful relationship.

First thing is to no long except this type of behaviour.

Stay calm
    practice being calm and patient throughout the day.
        getting calmer then you currently are at the moment.
        - this will develop a habit ... .and it will enrich your life
    remember ... .you will fail and feel it "does not work"
        recognize that since you were already practicing being calm,
        you did better then you would have without the practice.  This will encourage
        you to keep the practice.

carry a recorder, and have her assume that it is on at all times.  This has kept her in line more
then once, including times when she called the police.  Of course, she has stolen many of the
recorders, until my lawyer said she was destroying evidence.

Offer to sit down and talk in a "rational way" - they will not accept this (a sign of BPD).
    This has helped when people/family have confronted me about things (lies) she has said.
    I mention that I have offered to discuss and be open on anything, and she has not accepted,

state the facts in every blame attack, and leave it at that. My other responses have been:
    "that's not all that has happened/was said", "would you like to sit down and discuss",
    and plain old "you are lying"

If/when you do anything wrong ... .make it right on your terms, and what you feel is fair.
    When it is brought up (blame attack), remind her that you have already made it right, but
    would be willing to sit down and discuss if she would like (never happens).
 
Let her know that "she does not need to be this way", and that there are better ways
to handle things.  I will also let her know that her baviour is not acceptable and it is
the reason that I have filed for divorce (when that topic is brought up).

remember ... a part of her is emotionally a young/little girl, and her behaviour is a
"sophisticated" (professional?) temper tantrum trying to get her (selfish) way, or punish you.
Since we all learn early that childish temper tantrums and bullying are not socially
acceptable, they are much more advanced in their tactics.

[Mutt]

Hi Victor7,



Thanks for sharing that. I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. Do you have kids with your ex? Was there a custody battle when you retained a lawyer? Are you divorced? Does your ex still keep in touch with you?

[MovingOn23]

+1 on ALL of these. Very good advice!

[DazedandConfus3d]

Carrying a recorder... .wow. 

Did that really help?

Unbelievable that you'd have to go to that length to get someone to rein in their behavior.

[teapay]

It sounds like you took care of yourself and developed a strong sense of self.  From that position of strength and security you were able to remain true to yourself and deal with your wife in a very firm, practical, rational, honest and respectful way.  You encourage her but have spelled out your boundaries and enforced them whenever needed as a matter of common sense.  It also seems like you personally benefited from learning to live this way and have carried them happily into your post r/s life.