I'm So Scared

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know what to do anymore. My husband has BPD. We haven't been intimate in more than a week. He says I don't care about him, that all I care about is my job. I love him. He wants to die and says I'm a terrible person for not letting him. That I'm only doing it because I'm using him. I'm depressed and anxious all the time and therapy didn't help. It didn't seem to help him either. He's been getting worse. I don't know what to do. I'm in so much pain and I know he is too. I just want my best friend back. I just want him back. I've tried all the advice from the books but he keeps changing how he reacts. Everything I do pisses him off. I'm always wrong. I'm always the enemy. I want him back. I just don't know what to do.

[AR88]

I don't know what to do anymore. My husband has BPD. We haven't been intimate in more than a week. He says I don't care about him, that all I care about is my job. I love him. He wants to die and says I'm a terrible person for not letting him. That I'm only doing it because I'm using him. I'm depressed and anxious all the time and therapy didn't help. It didn't seem to help him either. He's been getting worse. I don't know what to do. I'm in so much pain and I know he is too. I just want my best friend back. I just want him back. I've tried all the advice from the books but he keeps changing how he reacts. Everything I do pisses him off. I'm always wrong. I'm always the enemy. I want him back. I just don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm terribly sorry that you are having to go through all of that, it sounds incredibly stressful and painful.

Have you contacted anyone about his saying that he wants to die?

[AR88]

He's always said that if they try to hospitalize him, he'll kill himself right then and there. He believes it is a violation of civil liberties. I've been talking to his mom who used to work as a case manager for years and she doesn't know what to do either. I just spend the last several hours trying to convince him to go into DBT therapy but he thinks they will just put him in a hospital. He believes that will ruin his life. I know that hospitalization can make BPD worse, so I would rather that not happen, also we can't afford it at all. He thinks of he is honest in group therapy, they will commit him. He believes that if he holds back in therapy that it won't help. I told him he only has to share to his comfort level, but it would still help. He thinks that's lying. He thinks that anyone who says they were helped by group therapy is a woman, since so many professionals don't even think men can have BPD. He called me dumb for thinking it might help.

[Meili]

That's a tough position to be in. Do you think and are you concerned that he will actually harm himself?

[AR88]

Honestly I'm not sure that he would. He calls himself a coward for not being able to kill himself and he has been threatening it for years. I think he is depressed too, but I'm not sure what stops him. I talk him down from his worse feelings. I tell him that I love him and care, that he is a great person, but part of me is worried that his behavior is attention seeking. If I try to ignore him, he gets angry and accuses me of invalidating him. I'm worried that I'm rewarding bad behavior but I'm also worried that if I stop responding with my love (I am honest in what I say to him though he still accuses me of lying) that he will kill himself. I don't want to take the chance that this is just attention seeking behavior and be wrong. I know that BPD comes with comorbid conditions and I'm pretty sure he's depressed. I've been there before. The problem is that I'm also tired. I'm tired of feeling alone. I don't have any friends to turn to and my family and I don't get along. I was in an online email support group but they far too often saw the BPD partner as the villain or told people to leave their relationship so I've stopped reading or sending emails with that group. I can talk to his mom but it just doesn't seem like enough. She lives in another state. He's my best friend but I can't rely on him for emotional support. I don't want to lose him and I don't want him to die. I love him but it's been so hard lately. For him more than me obviously.