Intro uBPDw...not sure how to handle.

[Tosquinha]

Hello!

I've been here the past several days reading up and trying to understand this very complicated issue regarding my wife.  I am a woman married to a woman, together 7 years, married 2 and the last several months have been awful.  It's always been not that great, but I couldn't make sense of what was going on.  It wasn't until recently when I went to see my counselor that she said that it sounds like my wife is Borderline (of course said she wouldn't know for sure since she isn't there but what I described sounded classic).  She is childish both when she's mad and not, does the dr. Jekyll and mr. hyde thing, disassociates during stress, throws temper tantrums when things don't go her way, is hurt very easily and often by things that are not meant to hurt.  She has severe issues with raising her kids... .she cannot follow through with them because if it is not fun for her, then it sets her triggers off.  Sex is always at her whim, she withholds sex and emotional support (or doesn't have it to give), if she feels that I am needing to be held or hugged, she does everything with in her power to push me away.  The list goes on and on.  Recently, she lost it and hit me.  This prompted me to leave to a shelter with my two older children for 10 days.  There was no contact from me.  She says she texted and apologized, but somehow I never got those texts.  There were no phone calls or voicemails.  Just silence.  On the 10th day, I went back to the house with the intentions of getting a uhaul and moving completely out.  She left a note stating she knows she did some things wrong and wanted to talk.  I gave in and called.  Didn't move.  And now here we are three weeks later and she's returned to being rude, letting me know that in no uncertain terms will she want to meet my needs, insists that what she does she considers intimacy (but I see it as her needs getting met while mine are not).  EVERYTHING is a relationship problem.  She;s having issues with her kids... .so that's a relationship problem with me.  She's stressed at work, so that's a relationship problem with me.  Everything leads back to a relationship problem with me.

So now the thing is, I don't see her as an adult after this.  I see her as being stuck and childish and I have tried to be understanding and encouraging and using the tips here, but I resent it.  I resent having a relationship with a child.  She is controlling, rude and I DO think she does some of this on purpose.  She's always had the abandonment issue, so she does try to push me away frequently. 

At what point do we just stop doing this?  I do love her very much, but after seeing this for what it really is, I know she can't meet my needs, and she really has no control of herself.  I don't want to give up but there is something in me that feels I HAVE to.

Help?

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[livednlearned]

Hi Tosquinha,

I'm glad you took steps to protect yourself when she became physically abusive. That's a good sign, and important for your kids, too. She was out of control and you protected yourself. 

The resentment stuff is tough, I know. It's hard to apply what can be pretty emotionally demanding skills when your own buttons are pushed. At a moment when you want a little tenderness, you're supposed to be the one getting centered and feeling empathy. Not easy!

She's back to being rude and controlling, maybe a sign she is winding up again. When she gets like this, how do you respond?

LnL

[ArleighBurke]

At what point do we just stop doing this?

That's a tough question. This site can give you skills to be able to cope better - to be able to feel more in control, to communicate better, to understand her some more and reduce her rages a little.

But no amount of skills will make her something she is not. Her brain is broken. She will most likely always be over emotional, manipulative and child-like.

I would guess with skilling you up, things could get say 30% better? That was enough of an improvement for me to stay in my marriage, but it may or may not be for you... .