Help understanding wife~

[Galois]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have an eight year old son.  She has always been prone to emotional outbursts, but they never lasted long or seemed as though they had damaging effects on our relationship.  A few years ago she had what she thinks was a 'manic episode' during which she had an emotional affair, and in the aftermath of us dealing with that, she was given BPD as a possible diagnosis.  At the time, I tried to learn to validate and listen with empathy and I think I was reasonably (though not entirely) successful at it.  She has been in therapy and has been on and off of anti-depressants and ADHD medication.

Things were fine between us for another year or so and then she started seeming to grow depressed -- she denied it, but there was clearly something going on.   A few weeks ago I confronted her more seriously about it, and she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married anymore and has implied that there may be another man in the picture.  I'm not sure how to handle it, as part of me loves her strongly and doesnt think she is in her right mind and wants to help take care of her, but another part of me feels tired of being painted black and feels that if she wants to move on then I should let her.  And even if I do want to fight for our marriage I am not sure how to do so.  Any suggestions for how I can take care of any of us?

[sad but wiser]

Hi Galois
I am sorry to hear of your troubles.  It is not unusual for BPD problems to get worse over time.  I would say you should try to figure out what is best for your child and act on that.  If she has disorders, a perfectly normal child can end up with emotional problems from growing up in a cold or unpredictable household.  "It stops here," might be a good mantra.

[Galois]

While I have not always gotten my own needs met, and I would like to find ways to not be painted black so often, I do feel it would be best for me and our son for our marriage to continue. I also think that it would be best for her, but I am certainly biased and she is insisting otherwise at this moment. I am not sure how to try to get through to her, or ultimately if I will just make things worse.

[sad but wiser]

Just putting this out there as hindsight:
  Keep statements short and quick.  "It is best for our son that he has a complete family."
  "No one is all good or all bad.  We're human and that's ok."
  "We get to choose if our home is an angry home or a loving home."
Don't be surprised if you hear her repeat your words and take credit for them.
Does it really matter?  Or is it worth ignoring her "credit jumping" to have her model good behavior?
  Use the BPD behaviors to your child's advantage.  If she mirrors, give her something good to copy.  If she cold-shoulders, take your son out for pizza.  If she blames, say quietly, "I am not responsible for... ." or, "I don't deserve to be treated this way." And walk away.  Etc.
Be good to yourself.

[Galois]

Thank you, as this is helpful. 

I guess I feel like I want to stay in the relationship -- for myself, for our son, and for her -- if I can convince her that it is worth working towards and helping her to find treatment.  The problem is that I don't think she can see either of these things, and I worry that if I try to fight for us then I will just end up pushing her further away.  But she is shutting me out (and I believe is having a relationship of some type with another man). 

[sad but wiser]

It will never be normal, and that is not your fault.  The damage was done before you arrived on the scene.  If you underatand what is going on, you can work with it.  One thing is that BPD sufferers have very fragile personalities in spite of their rages and blustering.  They can feel "swallowed up" by a healthier person who is close.  It might help just to reinforce her positive behaviors.  Then, she may want to repeat them and strengthen her identity.