Fed up

[adaw]

I had enough of keeping quiet and being the target of her abuse and bullying. Whenever she starts her rants i take a firm stance and tell her either stop or shut up i am not taking your crap anymore. Even her friends told her they do not believe her anymore. I do not see my stance being conducive to her improving but i am looking out for my own well being.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Defining and maintaining boundaries that keep you from being abused and bullied is a good thing!

You aren't literally telling her to "shut up" though are you? In those words I mean.

[ArleighBurke]

A BPD will certainly hurl abuse towards you. And they will use words like "YOU are... .", "YOU did... .". But underneath, they aren't actually angry with you at all, they are angry with themselves.

Having a boundary, and shutting her down, is a method to control this. But I don't believe it's a very good method.

BPDs are hurting inside, and OVERFLOWING with emotion. Shutting her down helps YOU, but it does nothing to allow her to release her pain.

Saying NOTHING when she rages also doesn't help, because she doesn't believe you actually hear her.

A different technique is to listen and Validate her. It's difficult, because you need to ignore words directed at YOU, ignore the blame, and instead just hear the emotion and pain she is saying. You need to ignore her very twisted logic or wrong "facts", and hear the emotion and pain she is saying. When you listen, and she feels heard, she is able to release those emotions, and she can then start to feel better. "Validation" is a technique that works! Read about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[Meili]

Why not use both?

"I can see that you're really upset. I would be too! But, I'm not going to allow you to talk to me like that." followed by something that shows that you are listening with empathy and keeping the focus on the emotion being conveyed.

[Stresseddoc]

I agree that having boundaries about what you will and will not do or tolerate is a good thing. I don't know if this is a gf or wife or how committed you are to this relationship. In my experience, getting angry and shouting became more things that I did wrong and justified, in her mind, the reason the fight started in the first place. She struggles so much more with me repeating back to her what I think she is saying and then respectfully disagreeing with her. At that point your SO may back down or even ask to understand your position better, or it will escalate. When she cannot calmly have a conversation about a topic you can opt not to have a discussion right them. Take a break until both of you are ready to resolve it.

[ArleighBurke]

She struggles so much more with me repeating back to her what I think she is saying and then respectfully disagreeing with her.

I suspect that is because you are listening to her WORDS and LOGIC, but missing her EMOTION.

She may tell you a whole bunch of "facts" that annoy her. But if you discuss the "facts" - you are missing the point! The point is - she is annoyed. THAT is what you should be discussing. (And you can't disagree with her feeling annoyed - she IS annoyed - THAT is a fact!)

This is the difference between listening and talking like a male, versus listening and talking with Validation and empathy.

[Meili]

AB is spot on and picked up on the very thing that I did.

Of course they (pwBPD) struggle when we do that; we are telling them that they are wrong. What we are saying at that point is that our version of reality is more correct and more real than theirs. This translates into they are bad or wrong rather than they saw a different set of facts from what we saw.

One of the most eye-opening lessons that I've learned (I emphasize the word because I still struggle with it) here is Validation Skill - Stop Invalidating Others. It shocked me to learn how invalidating I can be to others.

Before I read that lesson, I thought that I was validating when I would say something like:

I can completely understand how you'd feel that way, I would too in that situation. But, the reality of the situation is... .

What I had to learn was that was my version of reality.

I wonder what would happen if adaw started with validation with and then moved to maintaining the boundary if necessary?