Imagine your relationship if your partner did not have the borderline behavior

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Imagine what your relationship would be like if your BPD partner did not have the borderline behavior. He/she would be loving and kind. They would care about your feelings. They would want to do things to make you happy. They would be upset with you some times but not rage and be abusive when they were. Instead they would talk it out with you. They would trust you and be supportive and not threaten or leave you.
This, of course is only a dream. And that is the dream we often hold onto hoping that somehow someway they will suddenly become kind. Kindness is a necessary condition for a great relationship. When relationships break up it is usually because of unkindness driven by selfishness. A T friend told me that most couples she sees are so unkind to each other. They eventually divorce or have affairs looking for someone who will be kind to them.
But the REALITY is BORDELINES CANNOT BE KIND. Their mental illness is all about behaviors that are inherently unkind. How can a happy relationship develop with someone who is unable to be kind and instead attacks us with anger, rage, name calling, and sometimes even physical fights. How can we feel appreciated when we are devalued and dumped. I asked my exBPD wife to be kind and respectful. I might as well have asked her to be a foot taller. She was totally incapable of doing it even though she said she would try. If you are in a relationship with a borderline, realize it will never be great and will mostly be awful because you will be disrespected and you will never receive the kindness you deserve. When I realized I did in fact deserve to be treated with kindness, I knew the relationship was over and got out.

[RippedTorn]

Imagine what your relationship would be like if your BPD partner did not have the borderline behavior. He/she would be loving and kind. They would care about your feelings. They would want to do things to make you happy. They would be upset with you some times but not rage and be abusive when they were. Instead they would talk it out with you. They would trust you and be supportive and not threaten or leave you.
This, of course is only a dream. And that is the dream we often hold onto hoping that somehow someway they will suddenly become kind. Kindness is a necessary condition for a great relationship. When relationships break up it is usually because of unkindness driven by selfishness. A T friend told me that most couples she sees are so unkind to each other. They eventually divorce or have affairs looking for someone who will be kind to them.
But the REALITY is BORDELINES CANNOT BE KIND. Their mental illness is all about behaviors that are inherently unkind. How can a happy relationship develop with someone who is unable to be kind and instead attacks us with anger, rage, name calling, and sometimes even physical fights. How can we feel appreciated when we are devalued and dumped. I asked my exBPD wife to be kind and respectful. I might as well have asked her to be a foot taller. She was totally incapable of doing it even though she said she would try. If you are in a relationship with a borderline, realize it will never be great and will mostly be awful because you will be disrespected and you will never receive the kindness you deserve. When I realized I did in fact deserve to be treated with kindness, I knew the relationship was over and got out.

[Duped 1]

I kept asking mine to be respectful even when angry.i don't think she understands respect and said she  would never approach me softly like she was June Cleaver... .

[DazedandConfus3d]

If they didn't have BPD, would we have been as interested in being with them?

For me right now, that's the really interesting and burning question as I try to figure out how to move forward and not end up in such a messed up situation again.

[Mutt]

Hi RippedTorn,

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but cannot sustain healthy adult emotional intimacy, intimacy is what triggers the disorder. This list is a good one, you can use it as a benchmark for healthy r/s's

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[Skyglass]

RippedTorn,
I often have thought about exactly just that-  what would it have been like to have a healthy, kind, loving relationship. My answer came back very similar to yours. People have disagreements in healthy r/ships too but it seems in healthy r/s they work on compromising, they're a team, and there is a desire to want the other person to be truly happy and lift each other up. And pwBPD have emotional immaturity and do not have the capacity to lift their partner up and move forward together.

[elfyguy]

If my BPDex didn't have BPD then it would have been a much healthier relationship. A relationship built on trust, love and kindness. However, I'm grateful for the suffering she gave me, as hard as it was. With the emotional suffering I endured, I was given the opportunity to learn who I am and how to be the person I want to be. She opened up old childhood wounds and gave me the opportunity to let them heal. She gave me this gift. Don't get me wrong, she's a f****d up b****, but letting myself embrace the heartache allowed me to grow.

What she does on her time is up to her.

[Turkish]

A T friend told me that most couples she sees are so unkind to each other.

This is sad.  However,  it's like going into a hospital and bemoaning all of the sick people. Not the healthiest population,  yes?

My ex could be kind to me... .when she wasn't.  Similarly,  my BPD mother.  It's the WOE in- tween that wore on me.  Standing up for our core values can be hard when we're so focused upon "rescuing" another person (maybe not your case, but it may have been the dynamic for many of us here).

For my ex to keep engaging in another r/s while still living with me and the kids was unacceptable.  For my mother to make accusations of criminal elder abuse towards me was unacceptable,  so done and done, in order to keep myself safe. Sometimes being in the middle of unsafe or unhealthy situations for so long,  abnormal becomes normal.  Would that we all never do this again. 

[RippedTorn]

Turkish
My pwBPD was kind at times also. That was the problem. It kept hope alive because she would be loving but then horribly unloving over trivial triggers. But in every thread I have read on this site the writer tells how abusive their person was. We are all here because we let them do this to us. I am sure that there were men my wife dated who took off quickly once she began the shutdowns and rages. Arguing with them does no good because any interaction is attention. Walking away helped but only temporarily. My point in the original comments I made in this thread were that kindness is a necessity for a happy lengthy relationship. And borderlines are incapable of doing this except for periods of time. When I read about people struggling to make their relationship work, I know you can because I stayed over three years - but it was three years of hell. Why allow yourself to be a continual victim of abuse? If I had a clue about the outcome, I would have left right away. That is what I hope we can convey to readers of this website. Stay and suffer or get out and have hope.

[Turkish]

I stayed for 6 years,  had the first kid, despite being given an out, chose to recycle. Then our son kept me.  Despite knowing better,  I chose to have a second child,  our daughter, D4 now. 

Kids aside in my case,  there's always a "hook" which keeps people in abusive relationships. It could be emotional,  financial,  familial, or all of these.  Identifying the hook is what can help us not repeat history. 

I'll add to your point about kindness,  and say "mercy," because the mercy (and patience) I feel that I demonstrated were not reciprocated. I felt that early on,  yet still stayed. 

[woundedPhoenix]

I can imagine that relationship, cause there were times there was no noticeable 'borderline' behaviour, atleast not towards me.

I noticed it towards her friends, her family, her kid, her professional ups and downs, but somehow it didn't turn towards me... .yet. To me she could be the nicest person on the planet, especially the first two years, some minor episodes aside.

Probably i filled in these obvious symptoms with some idealisation, denial and projection on my end as well, so i can vividly imagine how the "healthy" relationship would have looked like :-)

Lots of healthy r/s elements where not there though, or where different from how i perceived them... .

[beggarsblanket]

If they didn't have BPD, would we have been as interested in being with them?

For me right now, that's the really interesting and burning question as I try to figure out how to move forward and not end up in such a messed up situation again.

It's hard to say, and it will vary from person to person. In my case I can only say yes. There are things that my BPD ex would still be capable of independently of the disorder, due to both innate ability and family background: a nimble and curious mind, advanced vocabulary, painting, drawing, reams of writing. The drawing is interesting. It's one of her savant skills, and it would still be preserved, along with whatever autistic syndrome it is a feature of.

[patientandclear]

If my ex didn't have BPD we'd never have been together. He'd have stayed and made a life with one of the large number of remarkable women he professed love to and then abandoned before me.