getting over the fact my partner used to cheat

[throwaway2]

Hi there, been in a relationship for about a year now (early 20s). recently my partner admitted that they used to sleep around a lot and they're really ashamed by it, they hate themselves so much etc. They've cheated in all of their past relationships, usually after things went a bit sour and they stayed around pretending to be in love in order to "avoid hurting the other person". Their most recent relationship ended after their partner became too insecure and controlling after finding out about their past, and it ruined their relationship. Cheating came soon after.

I'd like to believe I haven't been cheated on - there isn't any evidence for it and there are signs my partner has changed/is trying to change. They don't stay out late, they don't drink too much when I'm away (because they become really horny and they don't want to), and finally they have started opening up to me, telling me about their past and telling me about those random friends with no mutuals which I guess are prime cheating targets rather than keeping them a secret. They also would "turn" and start treating their partner more harshly, demanding gifts etc when their relationships took a turn for the worse and that's when they started cheating, so the lack of change in behaviour reassures me.My partner is having a stressful time as of late but after the new year they have agreed to go to therapy to deal with the guilt and the way they get overly stressed about things, etc.

After lots of discussion they have agreed to work on being more open and honest with me, so that if problems ever arise in the future we can fix them rather than them being bottled up and leading to cheating. However they still have a tendency to lie for my benefit and I'm worried this won't change. Arguments usually end in them breaking down and me apologising, then having a constructive talk, but this relies on the fact that I am quite resilient and am able to forgive them pretty quickly in order to calm them down and talk productively.

I feel like I'll be able to come to terms with my partner's past, and I'd like to believe that my partner has finally matured enough and recognises that a) their behaviour was wrong and b) they don't want to become that way again. I'm very aware that to act insecurely would be damaging to any relationship and am happy to trust my partner (who works hard on trying to reassure me anyway - sending snaps when they're home, letting me know whenever they're going out and who with etc). However a small part of me is scared that I'm just the next person in the behavioural loop, that this feeling they have could wear off and that all this self-reflection they have had is a facade. Do people with BPD and this type of history ever change? Am I being naiive in my trust that they haven't cheated on me (my BS sense is pretty strong)? Or does this sound typical to people who have dated this type of person before? Looking up at other stories, other people with BPD don't seem to admit their wrongdoings as easily or feel guilt over the fact that they didn't used to care... .

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[Notwendy]

Hi Throwaway,

It makes sense to be fearful of a partner cheating if this has been the behavior in the past. However, this revelation came from a place of feeling safe enough to share this past with you. It looks like they are expressing remorse for it. At this point, I think the challenge is to manage your fears, unless there is real evidence of cheating.

I think it is important to be solid on your boundaries. If cheating is a deal breaker, then it needs to be clear to both of you. This is a boundary. It won't prevent cheating, but it makes the consequences of cheating clear- ahead of time.

It is important that if you establish your boundary- that you stick to it. Not upholding your boundaries makes them meaningless.

In actuality- anyone can cheat if they choose to. Although past behavior is a red flag of sorts, acting on cheating before they were in a relationship with you doesn't give this relationship a fair chance. It can make you more fearful- and that is something to work on with you- your fear. But the reality is that we can't control someone else's choices and anyone can cheat. All we can control is how we respond to that according to our own values.

I think it is important to not act out of that place of insecurity and fear, and take things at face value. That said, don't ignore signs that are definitely concerning. If you truly think they are cheating, then you can also make a decision based on that. It is hard to be in a relationship without trust. If trust is a value, and you can't trust them, then this is a consideration if you can continue the relationship or not. Base your decisions on you, your values, what you can let slide in a relationship and what you can not. Then you will be clear about what you want, regardless of your SO's choices.

[TyroneWiggums]

I feel like I'll be able to come to terms with my partner's past, and I'd like to believe that my partner has finally matured enough and recognises that a) their behaviour was wrong and b) they don't want to become that way again... .Do people with BPD and this type of history ever change? Am I being naiive in my trust that they haven't cheated on me (my BS sense is pretty strong)? Or does this sound typical to people who have dated this type of person before?

I wanted to believe the same about my ex: she had a history of cheating but she admitted it was wrong and wanted to turn over a new leaf.  She is full-blown BPD (as one therapist said she turns the OR requirements in the DSM 5 into AND statements), so from my vantage point this type of self-awareness isn't unheard of.

AFAIK, she didn't cheat during our relationship.  BUT, and big , after our breakup she told me that one of the reasons she was drawn to me was that I had strong boundaries and that I could help her actualize the change she wished to effect; the problem was that by not being able to step out on me she felt like the power dynamics were out of whack and that I had all the control.  Further, over time, the hyper-sexuality manifested itself in unacceptable ways, eg, if you want to have a threesome let's talk about it, but your married girlfriend isn't a candidate since SHE'S MARRIED.

Now, back out in the world, she's back to her old pattern of having multiple boyfriends at a time and breaking men's hearts.  In her own words, she just couldn't be in a relationship with one person.

This is an anecdote.  It is my own personal experience, so it may have no bearing on your situation.  Again, a random opinion on the internet.  With that said, I can't tell you how similar your background story is to my own, only you're a lot earlier in your relationship than I was when mine ended.

Good luck, and I mean that sincerely; you should be happy and get what you want out of your relationship.

[seeperplexed]

Hey there. I got chills reading this post, as it in many ways described my ex (now of 3 months). I struggled immensely in getting over her promiscuous past, but felt that her telling me, by its very nature, was a positive sign and did in fact speak to her willingness to change. Her boyfriend before me was extremely insecure about her past but was more aggressive in how he dealt with things. He was controlling, didn't like her hanging with certain people, etc. I on the other hand was not this way, it simply hurt me to think about my wonderful girlfriend sleeping with 70 some odd people. It just made me hurt.

I never, and you can feel free to call me an idiot, suspected that I would be cheated on. I just thought, well, if someone were to cheat, they could just break up first and then get what they want without devastating another person. I was dead wrong. My ex was a pathological liar, essentially leading a double life, and I was cheated on with the ex-boyfriend in question 2 months into our 15 month relationship. After I moved in with her, there were 2 more known men. There were likely countless others. I received a benign STD from her. We never had sex with a condom, ever. There were so many red flags that I simply didn't understand. This was my first relationship, so the fallout has been completely unbelievable for me, and she moved across the country after being found out. I found out all of this in one day, from one of her side men. She didn't admit any of it until a month after our horrible breakup.

I don't want to just instill fear in you. I want you to know that I was you. We used that app "Find My Friends" to determine each other's locations. I never thought of it as a precaution, but she certainly found ways to avoid me being able to utilize it that way. She would deactivate it and tell me her phone was broken. In reality she was sleeping with a man 4 streets away. Please be careful. It's one of those things I simply never assumed would happen.

[gjkopriv]

 Yeah, this story sounds all to familiar... .I heard about her past,being in an open marriage for 20 years, falling in love with a woman and being with her for almost 15 years while being married. Then also the story of her mom passing away 7 years ago, and that woman she was in love with dying of cancer that put her in a tailspin and led her to dating married men and athletes that didnt want a relationship.  So when we met, she described that she was just looking for someone to get to know and have fun with... .Which was ok with me... .Cause I wasnt looking for anything serious... .But after we hung out for 2 weeks, she started telling me she loved me, and that she wanted to stop doing the things of her past 7 years. And started telling these other guys that she couldnt see them. At age 44 I figured maybe she's just giving up those games and I began to fall for her... .Turns out she was the most manipulative woman I ever met... .She lived down the street from one of her ex's and I really dont think she ever closed the door on him. And I'm sure when I was the love of her life, he was probably keeping distance from her and not seeing her. Then I think as soon as she got him back in , I would go from the devil at night to being good again the next morning... .All games for when she didnt feel like coming over a certain night... .I've finally been no contact for over 3 months now, and its been the most peaceful 3 months. Of course I miss having someone close sometimes and the sex was unlike any other, but to know I can goto bed when I want. Not have to leave work to take a phone call... Hear threats to cheat, play in a basketball league 1 night a week. The worst relationship I've ever been in, and I never thought a 44 year old woman with 2 kids would play those kind of games... .