Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been posting on the Detaching board alot since yesterday. One thing people have asked, including my counselor, is why were you attracted to your ex in the first place?

I'm 44 and to my knowledge this is the first BPD I dated (one lasted a week, so that doesnt count).

My mother has all the characteristics of BPD.  I remember being a child and never knowing what would set her off.  She would regularly threaten to cancel vacations and every major holiday, disappear into her room with the door locked. My brother and I would be so upset, thinking we had caused the problems.

Within weeks of dating my ex, I saw the same behavior that I saw in my mother. The obsessiveness with cleaning, the verbal attacks. Granted, my mother doesnt drink anywhere as much as my ex.

Years ago, I was going through my divorce.  My counselor suggested cutting ties with my mother. I didnt think I was allowed to. He laughed and said "if she's not acting like a parent, walk away." So I did. And it was the best thing in the world. I felt freedom. Pure freedom. When she would reach out, months later, it would be on my terms.

I dont understand why I cant get the same feeling I had back then. I get glimmers of "Woo, dodged a bullet there.", but then it's followed with "Why did she do this? Why wont she text me? Does she care how I feel?"

I was on another forum and it was there I first found out about BPD.  It all made sense. My desire to "fix".  One person even suggested that it was an innate wish to recapture a lost relationship with my mother.

Does this make sense? Anyone else?

[Recovering480]

I've been posting on the Detaching board alot since yesterday. One thing people have asked, including my counselor, is why were you attracted to your ex in the first place?

I'm 44 and to my knowledge this is the first BPD I dated (one lasted a week, so that doesnt count).

My mother has all the characteristics of BPD.  I remember being a child and never knowing what would set her off.  She would regularly threaten to cancel vacations and every major holiday, disappear into her room with the door locked. My brother and I would be so upset, thinking we had caused the problems.

Within weeks of dating my ex, I saw the same behavior that I saw in my mother. The obsessiveness with cleaning, the verbal attacks. Granted, my mother doesnt drink anywhere as much as my ex.

Years ago, I was going through my divorce.  My counselor suggested cutting ties with my mother. I didnt think I was allowed to. He laughed and said "if she's not acting like a parent, walk away." So I did. And it was the best thing in the world. I felt freedom. Pure freedom. When she would reach out, months later, it would be on my terms.

I dont understand why I cant get the same feeling I had back then. I get glimmers of "Woo, dodged a bullet there.", but then it's followed with "Why did she do this? Why wont she text me? Does she care how I feel?"

I was on another forum and it was there I first found out about BPD.  It all made sense. My desire to "fix".  One person even suggested that it was an innate wish to recapture a lost relationship with my mother.

Does this make sense? Anyone else?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Recovering480!

Welcome to the Coping and Healing board!   Glad to have you join us.

I dont understand why I cant get the same feeling I had back then. I get glimmers of "Woo, dodged a bullet there.", but then it's followed with "Why did she do this? Why wont she text me? Does she care how I feel?"

As I read what you posted, I see this attachment and detachment taking place. The relationship with a mom is different than that with a SO. Is it possible that you detached from the control of an overwhelming parent when you left your mom but with this current relationship, you are trying to disconnect from someone on a more horizontal level? In other words, you stepped out from your mom's authority but this time is it more of a heart/emotional connection? You are glad to be away, yet you want to be seen and heard too from the questions you've asked.

My uBPDm often used 'the silent treatment' on us too, and I would feel like you and your brother:

My brother and I would be so upset, thinking we had caused the problems.

This is called magical thinking in a child's world, and how well I understand it. I blamed myself too for all of my mom's moods and anger and suicide threats, thinking it was what I said or did that caused her behavior. Little did I comprehend how encompassing her behavior was upon my siblings and I. Would you be able to take the time to read through some of the steps on the right, under lessons and then on the Survivors Guide list under remembering? I'd be curious as to where you see yourself.

When I began T a few years ago, I went to work on my childhood (someday) and also on my marriage. I thought that my relationship with DH was totally separate from my FOO. Who was I kidding? One day the  came on, and I discovered how normal my DH was to me, which meant he was 'normal' like my mom was as I was growing up. He has behaviors very much like hers, and unknown to me, I chose someone just like her because I was comfortable, oh so comfortable in operating in that same realm as what I grew up in. Now I'm older and seeing through different eyes because of T, and how unhealthy my relationship really is. I'm surviving it, getting stronger through it, and taking care of myself while at the same time surviving it.

Please return and share some of your answers to the above questions!
 
Wools

 

[Turkish]

As a Detacher who made his way here also,  welcome!

I think it's natural to see current relationships through the lens of the past.  It's easy to think,  "I'm rescuing the parent I never could." I think there may be a little truth in their,  but I hear the voice of my T, "you don't need to pathologize everything Turkish." So I go back to what I learned in at- risk youth mentoring: "you don't know what you don't know."

No matter how messed up,  what's abnormal can seem normal, and we can carry over the same skills we used to deal with a PD'd parent into other relationships. 

I think processing our pasts is a first step in healing,  and I'm glad you are here to talk about it. 

[Notwendy]

It makes sense and in fact, has been written about in marriage books- we choose partners with whom we can act out childhood issues with the hopes of repairing them.

and- we attract and are attracted to people who match us in this way.

Sounds pretty dismal, until we realize that working on our own issues changes this "attraction". I think we tend to look for advice to deal with a difficult partner by looking at how to change/fix/deal with - their issues. But what we have better control over is to work on ours!

My H is not like my mother- he also has qualities in my father that I admire. So it completely shocked me when some of the issues in my parents' marriage seemed to be going on in ours. The childhood idea that I somehow had caused my mother's problems ( she blamed me for them) played out in my marriage. We had issues, my H blamed me, I believed it. So I set out to fix things in my marriage, thinking if it was my fault, I could fix it. This was similar to the constant appeasement I tried with my mother. I also recall sitting outside her locked bedroom door as a kid with her ST. My H did the ST as well.

The benefits of therapy and working on co-dependency paid benefited me for both relationships. My mother is severe, so dealing with my issues with her also helped me with my marriage.

Another great piece of wisdom I read was- if we leave a relationship with problems and we don't do the personal work on those issues- we are likely to repeat the pattern in a subsequent relationship. What an incentive to work on ourselves regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship, or how that relationship turns out.

[Recovering480]

Hi Recovering480!

Welcome to the Coping and Healing board!   Glad to have you join us.

As I read what you posted, I see this attachment and detachment taking place. The relationship with a mom is different than that with a SO. Is it possible that you detached from the control of an overwhelming parent when you left your mom but with this current relationship, you are trying to disconnect from someone on a more horizontal level? In other words, you stepped out from your mom's authority but this time is it more of a heart/emotional connection? You are glad to be away, yet you want to be seen and heard too from the questions you've asked.

My uBPDm often used 'the silent treatment' on us too, and I would feel like you and your brother:

This is called magical thinking in a child's world, and how well I understand it. I blamed myself too for all of my mom's moods and anger and suicide threats, thinking it was what I said or did that caused her behavior. Little did I comprehend how encompassing her behavior was upon my siblings and I. Would you be able to take the time to read through some of the steps on the right, under lessons and then on the Survivors Guide list under remembering? I'd be curious as to where you see yourself.

When I began T a few years ago, I went to work on my childhood (someday) and also on my marriage. I thought that my relationship with DH was totally separate from my FOO. Who was I kidding? One day the  came on, and I discovered how normal my DH was to me, which meant he was 'normal' like my mom was as I was growing up. He has behaviors very much like hers, and unknown to me, I chose someone just like her because I was comfortable, oh so comfortable in operating in that same realm as what I grew up in. Now I'm older and seeing through different eyes because of T, and how unhealthy my relationship really is. I'm surviving it, getting stronger through it, and taking care of myself while at the same time surviving it.

Please return and share some of your answers to the above questions!
 
Wools

 

Thank you. I really thought I had dealt with all this. But this relationship brought back so much.  The constant walking on eggshells, wondering what was going to set her off. My counselor and I talked about the health of my dad which has been declining in past years. I see why. After four months and not even living together, there were days that I thought "this is going to kill me. I'm emotionally and mentally draining, I'm physically run down. I need to either gain control or get out."

Yes, I will look at the material on the right. Thank you for your support. All of you.

[Recovering480]

It's interesting. My parents dont have friends. Especially my mother. So many times, over the years I would ask my dad about a certain friend that my mom had had.  He would tell me that she "screwed your mother over." It was a common theme. I can see it.  She cut off ties with family and friends because of perceived slights. She would go through periods simply not talking to me.

I've re-established relationships with family members that I was told I was not allowed to speak with. I was accused of misguided loyalty. I've visited with most of them and the stories they've told me. It was shocking.

But it was empowering to walk away from it.  I established our relationship boundaries. After two years of not speaking, she finally reached out and asked if I was willing to communicate over email. I said fine. She removed the block from Facebook (yes, she blocked me) and tentatively started talking. However, within weeks, I noticed that I was initiating contact every morning. Her replies would tend to be short and terse. When that happens, I back off.

Last week I sent an email about what had happened with my ex. Her reply was literally two words. No support. I expected it.

I've lived far away for the last 20 years and I haven't seen them in about 4 years. It's terribly sad because I dont think they realize that they've effectively isolated themselves from people due to their behavior. She refuses to see a counselor (and it's been suggested by more than one person).

But I'm happier now that my boundaries have been established. I dont tolerate nonsense. 

But to answer Woolspinner: yes, I'm trying to detach from my ex.  I'm still trying to understand the hold she had on me in just three months. I've always been chaser in relationships. It was the challenge. And the fact that she would regularly be cold over text or phone, then "reward" me just made me work harder.  Sadly, the longest relationships I've had in the past have been with women that I had to chase and chase and chase.

And of course, I think it's the nature of BPD folks.  It's the addiction that got created.  The abuse, to be followed by loving, kind words. It was a physical change for me. I would be so beaten down over the course of the day because of an interaction with her, yet when I saw her and "talked" about it, I would feel healthy and happy and optimistic. It was the constant up and down, up and down that started effecting my health.

My counselor and I tried to work on this with my mother. I dont think the two are related.  My ex was the first one I've dated seriously that I saw the similarities.  I think I've actually avoided people like my mother. My issue is: why was it so easy to detach from my mother, yet my heart is still healing with my ex?

[MrWtn1978]

I find that I go through stages of feeling very detached - my intellectual side kicks in.  I see my mom and her BPD issues through a lens of empathy.  I see her accusations as a desperate attempt to make me feel bad for her and stay with her.  BUT... .when something new happens, or I hear her voice, or have a realistic dream, my intellectual brain turns off and my emotions take over.  I see her pain as being caused by myself.  How could you say no to your mother's most desperate wish (being in a too close relationship).  I get all shaky and anxious.  I spend lots of time journaling and speaking truth into the lies.  Then I can get back to my detachment.  I am not sure I can ever be able to fend of the anxiety that she triggers in me completely, but I know what to do to overcome it - so that has to be enough for now.

[Recovering480]

I find that I go through stages of feeling very detached - my intellectual side kicks in.  I see my mom and her BPD issues through a lens of empathy.  I see her accusations as a desperate attempt to make me feel bad for her and stay with her.  BUT... .when something new happens, or I hear her voice, or have a realistic dream, my intellectual brain turns off and my emotions take over.  I see her pain as being caused by myself.  How could you say no to your mother's most desperate wish (being in a too close relationship).  I get all shaky and anxious.  I spend lots of time journaling and speaking truth into the lies.  Then I can get back to my detachment.  I am not sure I can ever be able to fend of the anxiety that she triggers in me completely, but I know what to do to overcome it - so that has to be enough for now.

I think for me it was just a relief to finally walk away. I spent too many nights, as an adult let alone as a child, wondering why she was the way she was. Like I said above, it took my first counselor to tell me that it was completely ok to walk away because I harbored guilt and feelings that as a son, I needed to stick it out regardless of the nonsense.  I mean, we're talking 30 plus years of just bizarre behavior. It was a relief to hear someone that I respected to say it was ok to walk away. I dont get anxious now. I think I did a little last year when I texted her a "happy birthday" and her response was "I dont know what we did to deserve such terrible treatment". I remember going on and on with my gf about it and then I finally just let it go.

Now when I get a passive aggressive email, I delete it. Gone. And I put zero thought into it.

At times, I feel cold and almost sociopathic by my lack of sympathy.  My dad would get on Skype and start to cry over this and I would see it was a ploy and I would shut down. But they really drove me to that stage by never taking responsibility for their actions. And yes, while he doesnt have BPD, he has been complicit in letting her do these things. That is how I see it. And I understand. It's his wife. He loves her. She loves him.  Though I can see why he is so ill.

Quick story: My BPD ex and I were talking marriage within a week of dating. I know, I know. I kinda mentioned to my mom about that and she said she knew with my dad within 11 days. I thought it was romantic how we know when we found our soul partner. Now I realize that well, this is pretty typical.  I was talking to another family member about this stuff a few years ago. She told me that my dad asked her why no one told him when he met my mom that they thought there was something wrong.  He even admitted to my brother once (though since denies it) that there is a problem and he needed to do something about it. I'm never going to fault him for staying with her. I think he is her rock. But as a child, I could see how her behavior effected him. Us.

I've made peace with that part of my life. Though as we get older and his health worsens, I know that I will have to make further peace with it. I do see relationships as taking work on both sides and that includes between children and parents.