New here. Constantly fighting. Need guidance.

[FallBack!Monster]

We were together for over 15 years. I admired her a lot. I thought she was one of the strongest little person I'd ever met. I was proud of being with her. About a yr into the relationship she began to show another say to her. I loved her anyway. She had been sweet to me in the past and that's who I viewed her as. To me she was a diamond in the rough. Every other word out of my mouth was her name. 2 yrs into the relationship, I remember, one morning waking up next to her after a marathon of making what felt like love to me. I asked her if she loved me. She answered, I like you a lot. It hurt like hell. Years went on. Any time I asked if she loved me, she wouldd say I don't always like you but I do love you. Normal answer would have been yes. Obviously I thought she had a problem saying it but I convinced myself she did love me. As the years went on she got worse. Threaten to call the cops on me because of an argument that she started.  Would go in the bathroom with a knife, lock the door and threatened to kill herself. One time, while sitting right in front of me, took a bread knife and was pretending to be trying to cut her skin but not hard enough to pierce the skin. At that moment I realized she was looking for attention. After that if she threaten to kill herself, grab the knife, did anything for attention, I ignored her. Things got worse. The verbal abuse got to the worst point. If you can imagine any abusive, invalidating, condescending, offensive, nasty, insulting, derogatory, and disrespectful words to say to someone to make them feel like nothing, I'll tell you she said it to me. Of course the more she hurt me, the less she did for me and with me but somehow I was the mean one.
She finally broke me down but I would make believe I didn't care until I was alone. My mother had passed away when I met her and I already felt drained. She came as a friend. To be exact, a wolf in sheep's clothing. I believe that's why I stayed as long as I did. That's okay.
I finally broke way. Finally!  She seem happy with it until she saw me happy with someone else. Now she wants me back. Bending over backwards so that I notice her. Now wants to buy me everything I need. But I'm doing better than she is, financially. Wants to offer massages, tea and whatnot.  Now she's soo soo sorry a D I'm soo soo f_ perfect. Now,  that's f_ing draining!  I wish that I could give her an opportunity because I'm older and I don't want to be alone. I want to have company. Butt her face triggers every horrendous word she's ever used on me.  I know she hasn't changed but I have. I sometimes wonder now that I'm stronger, and I see how weak she really is, if things would be better if I gave a chance. See, I have the upper hand, now, but I can't swallow her.

Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Runningslow,
I am sorry you went through such pain and devaluation.  Such a relationship can be both destructive and addictive.  It is common with BPD to "recycle"  relationships.  You can read the posts here.  Usually, it means even more pain for you.  My heartfelt suggestion is that you let that relationship stay in your past, since you were already firmly broken up and with a new love.  The bait is that she might unsay all those awful things she said before... .sort of erase them and apologize.  I would be seriously surprised if it worked out that way.  Just my thoughts.  Your life, your choice, of course.

[Mutt]

Hi Runningslow,

I know she hasn't changed but I have. I sometimes wonder now that I'm stronger, and I see how weak she really is, if things would be better if I gave a chance.

Hmm. I think that you have the right idea. It sounds like you have learned things about yourself and you understand that she's emotionally arrested, she is who is. Can you accept that?

[FallBack!Monster]

Hi Runningslow,

Hmm. I think that you have the right idea. It sounds like you have learned things about yourself and you understand that she's emotionally arrested, she is who is. Can you accept that?

I have No other choice, do I? 
She is who she is like I am who I am. The title says something. 

[Mutt]

I have No other choice, do I?  
She is who she is like I am who I am. The title says something.  

I agree Things will be different if you return with more knowledge, understanding, boundaries, communication tools... .

[FallBack!Monster]

I agree. Things will be different if you return with more knowledge, understanding, boundaries, communication tools... .

A "vast majority of people are stuck in their emotional growth process.  somewhere in their adolescent years. Addictions, greed, immaturity, fear, blame, shame, resentments, anger, confusion and suffering can all signs of arrested emotional development."
Not my words but do agree   it also makes sense with something i posted elsewhere.

I hear ya. Hope you don't mind if I don't comment.

Thanks

[Mutt]

Oh I didn't mean that she was going to change. That change has to come from you 

[FallBack!Monster]

Oh I didn't mean that she was going to change. That change has to come from you 

I understood. and I'm ready to communicate my feelings on that. I think I was pretty firm on my feelings about the relationship. Nothing to go back to. The communication tools will be useful in future relationships.

I KNOW my ex will not change. She is trying very hard but she cannot. So much that it often brings her to tears when she recognizess in herself,  behaviors she was once in denial about.
I'm not against her because she has a personality disorder. She's depress. That is not her fault. It's everything else.

Thank you soo much, Mutt.