Out of Ideas.

[Leucotheasveils]

Hi. I'm Leu.
My mother was diagnosed with ADD, OCD, and BiPolar d/o when I was a young adult, but I think she is also BPD.
This was suggested by a friend of the family with experience in the field.
When I looked BPD up, it was like a lightbulb went off.
"That's my mom in a nutshell!" I thought.
The extreme fear of abandonment, her fickleness, I'm either the best daughter ever, or the worst, the constant demands, and I don't love her if I don't cater to every single one… I could go on.
I also noticed the things she is diagnosed with are often co-morbid conditions.

I have hit a wall. She "fired" her psychiatrist this summer, and around that time went more off the rails than usual. She gave me silent treatment for eight weeks, which is highly unusual for her.

The thing was… it was a blessed relief. My husband observed I was happier, calmer, and that I had cried or lamented angrily after just about every phone call or interaction with her, and her giving me silent treatment was a boon to our household. I realized that past 40 years old, she never regarded me as an adult, a woman with her own life, job, home, spouse, responsibilities, or hobbies. I feel like a "thing", a servant who is supposed to cater to her every whim. To keep the peace, I often have. As a kid, I had little choice. I did what I was told, and thought *I* was the crazy one, because things just never seemed to make sense in my house, and I was always told it was my fault.

She missed me but didn't count on me not missing her at all. To be very honest, I am done. So very weary of being the only adult in our relationship since I was a little kid. I love my father and have a decent relationship with him now that I'm older. The only reason I haven't cut mom out entirely, is to not make his life more difficult than it has to be (he is still married to her and lives with her), and for fear she would try to block my access to my dad.

She says or texts me truly horrible things, then does a "reset" as if it never happened, but holds onto minor or imagined slights she thinks *I* have committed, and constantly demands apologies, and I am done. I grew up apologizing for the sun setting and the rain falling. Somehow everything was always my fault.

For in my teens I raged back, in my young adult years, I defended myself, it always was a noisy row of tears and drama.

After the 8 weeks' silence, I tried something different-ignoring. If she sends me a crazy text, I ignore it. I don't defend, refute, argue. I don't even justify it. If a few days after telling me my husband will divorce me because I spend too much time with him and my dad (?), she texts and asks what my Kohl's flyer discount is, I'll answer.

I'm trying to cultivate gratitude that under the care of her last shrink, she cycled less quickly, and was less vindictive and offensive. There were times I actually enjoyed her company for short periods of time. The flip side is she could also be overly loving and overly generous at times.
Now, I'm just weary of keeping track of if I'm currently invited to her birthday dinner out or if I'm uninvited for… whatever imagined slight I have "committed" lately, and am sick of her manipulative statements and truly awful accusations.

I am not at the point of cutting her out of my life, but I honestly don't know how to live with her in it without the stress and pain spilling over into my marriage (which is otherwise very loving, healing and supportive and fun) and my career, which has gotten very stressful with more demands piled on every year. I find myself losing sleep, getting snappish, and at times overreacting to criticism at work when mom has had a bad episode and taken it out on me (her favorite target).

My father  has hit a wall, too and says he is no longer getting involved or trying to make better her drama. I think she is acting out in a more extreme fashion lately because the two of us aren't playing our assigned roles anymore.

I'm looking for empathy, validation that I'm not the crazy one (a conversation with her lately is like a trip through an alternate universe), and advice on how to go forward. The non-engaging seems to work for me, I honestly don't have the energy for the tears and drama anymore. It's a revelation, being married to a more normal person, that life doesn't have to have  such stormy clashes! I can actually tell him I have an unmet need, and we figure out what we can do about it. So sad, that this is new to me. Before my current husband (and a bunch of therapy for depression) I had a long history of fiery relationships with lots of yelling and crying.

 Even not engaging, she is still off the rails, needy, overly sensitive and demanding. She can call being super sweet at first, then go into trying to strong arm me into something, then failing that, begins a kitchen sink tirade of insults and accusations of every way I have ever "failed" her.
So… That's where I am. Thanks for listening.

[drained1996]

Hi Leu, we are glad you found us.  I can completely relate to your situation as I have struggled with my PD mother as well.  My process has been long, but very healing and worthwhile.  Some realizations I found helpful were:
1) I cannot change her (that's up to her, and highly unlikely to happen) but I can change how I react and communicate with her.  (it has helped a lot)
2) She has an illness that is part of who she is, it does not allow her the adult ability to regulate her emotions many times.  I can see those instances for what they are... .this better allows me not to become emotionally engaged at those times and to use the boundaries I have set to protect myself... .and her.

There is a guide and some lessons to the right of this page that have been very helpful in my own process, also the tools at the top of this page offer some great insight... .pay close attention to the boundaries... .very useful. 
You mention that you've seen a therapist in the past, have you thought of seeing one to help guide you in this process?  I found professional guidance of great value in dealing with my family of origin issues (FOO). 
You've found a wonderful place to educate yourself, share your thoughts, and to get understanding support from those who have and are walking in your shoes.  We're here!