Christmas

[Zabava]

Christmas is coming and I feel dread.  I love Christmas and I hate it.  When I was a kid my favourite thing about was visiting my grandparents and cousins.  My gran was my safe adult.  

I dreaded it because it meant rages and guilt at home.  Lately I've realized that my BPD mother always seemed particularly difficult on special Ocassions. In fact she ruined my high school and university graduations, my wedding and the birth of two of my kids.  

Any thoughts as to why BPDs do this?


Do you think it makes it harder to enjoy special times?

[HappyChappy]

A BPD is selfish and they always want to be centre of attention. Hence they hate it when it’s someone else’s special day. This can lead to them sabotaging your day, or just kicking off so they get the attention on your day.

If it’s Christmas, again they want to be centre stage, so here again they can become difficult if anyone else tries to take it from them. I would say yes that does make special occasions hard. Hence why my sister didn’t invited our mom to her wedding. 

[Fie]

Hello Zabava  

I found out my grandma has BPD last Christmas  :-)  She had a huge blow up.
Apparently holidays are hard for them. I think in grandma's case it could have been the fact that only me and my daughter were visiting her. No big happy family gathering. So deep down she must have known there was something obviously wrong - why else her children would not visit her ? Unable to address the truth, she lashed out at the person who probably loves her the most - me.

They say that around the holidays there are also more relationship break ups and the like, so apparently holidays just trigger something in people, also nons ... .Maybe because around Christmas we are all supposed to have a nice family gathering, with functional family members who love us ... .the expectations are high, but sometimes unrealistic ... .a lot of pressure on ourselves.

[Zabava]

Well, here we go... .just got off the phone with my BPD sister.  Very passive aggressive conversation about whether I would be visiting her over Christmas.  She lives in a town several hours away, so visiting involves staying for a couple of days at least.

Two years ago one of my kids (16 years old) developed a mental health issue that required me to set boundaries as far as having visits with family.  This triggered a split and 3 months of no contact with my sister.  It has been very tense since then, as she feels that my kid not wanting to stay with her and her kids is an insult and just one more example of how I am a bad sister.

For the past few years we have had them come here, as my kid can then escape to her room or go to a friends if things get too much.  This year the pressure is on for us to go there.  So here's my dilemma:  my daughter won't stay with my sister, but if we go and stay in a hotel, it will cause a huge fight and hurt feelings.  If we go and leave my daughter alone, is that fair?  Should I take  my other two kids and leave my husband and daughter at home.

Should I go with husband and two kids and leave my daugther at home?  :)o I not go at all?  I could tell from sis tone of voice that a storm is brewing if I don't come at all... .

I feel sick to my stomach... .any advice would be appreciated.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Zabava,

If your kid was ill, it’s no fault of your family that your sister can’t accept this. Her lack of empathy should not be your issue or shame. You can’t change the fact a BPD will always find fault, its a very effective way of getting us to do what they want. So the best thing is change how it effects you. Keep reminding yourself, its her not you.
 
In view of your recent meeting, my sister’s family always has reasons why she can’t stay, once they had just all got over a virus, so made sense to stay in a Hotel, they didn't want to make their BPD relative ill.

Why not consider what is best for you and your family and then your BPD sis can fit in ?  

[Fie]

Seems like you found this site just in time before Christmas  :-)
Don't worry, we'll try to help you navigate through this.

I think Happychappy is right. Your family is most important. I am sure your children and your husband want to celebrate Christmas with you.
 
I would personally not consider sleepovers at all, certainly not at your sister's place and also not at yours I think. Your home is a place where all of the family members need to feel safe - not only in their own room, but in the entire house.

I don't think you should find an excuse on why you'd like to stay at a hotel. Just, because you like it better that way. There is a useful threat where another member had a similar problem, I'll copy the link for you.
I liked Turkish' advise about the 'repeating'. It works like a charm.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299790.msg12822082#msg12822082

Let us know what you have decided !

[my_memories]

As others have said, I think that the holidays are an excellent opportunity for high drama. I've chatted with others whose household was dominated by a BPD personality in their childhood; most have a holiday they hate and a holiday that was amazing. Regardless, every holiday is an opportunity to make everything all about them and to solicit whatever kind of attention they desire at that moment in time.

For me, my BPD mother used the holidays as an opportunity to show everyone just how Amazing and Fantastic she was; we always got new pjs so that we didn't look poor in pictures, everything was spotless and the house was blissfully drama-free for a day. Looking back, these positive memories are tainted knowing that it was just a solid grab for attention and an opportunity for one-up-manship. I often got gifts I really didn't want (at all) but she felt I ought to want, if I was the daughter that she thought I should be (ah, baggage).

That said, I loath my birthday (really really loath it!). For years, it was top secret. Friends have often assumed that it's because I'm anti-aging... .to be honest, I've found it liberating to start to let celebrations on those days happen. So I would encourage you to think about what you can do to make it your own holiday; what you can do to make it what you want. If your BPD family is involved, think about ways to limit their control over it and make it your own.

[my_memories]

I would personally not consider sleepovers at all, certainly not at your sister's place and also not at yours I think. Your home is a place where all of the family members need to feel safe - not only in their own room, but in the entire house.

I don't think you should find an excuse on why you'd like to stay at a hotel. Just, because you like it better that way.

Well said! My hub and I also have a "three day family rule" - as in, we only ever commit to three day visits and we communicate that to everyone to be fair/transparent. Three days seems to be a good length - you spend the first day just getting comfortable, the second day happy together and the third day catching up. The third day is when judgement and other things can start to creep in so it is almost always the perfect time to depart (on a positive note, no less). It works for us to have "rules of engagement", it helps create boundaries and gives us a deadline. We also like to stay in hotels, telling our family that it's a treat and allows us to feel like a visit is a mini-vacation.

Let us know what you decide to do!

[my_memories]

For the past few years we have had them come here, as my kid can then escape to her room or go to a friends if things get too much.  This year the pressure is on for us to go there.  So here's my dilemma:  my daughter won't stay with my sister, but if we go and stay in a hotel, it will cause a huge fight and hurt feelings.  If we go and leave my daughter alone, is that fair?  Should I take  my other two kids and leave my husband and daughter at home.

Should I go with husband and two kids and leave my daugther at home?  :)o I not go at all?  I could tell from sis tone of voice that a storm is brewing if I don't come at all... .

I can so relate to your situation! It is so tough to set boundaries but you are doing the right thing to think it through from the perspective of what is best for you and yours.

I'm not deeply familiar with your situation, I don't know how close you are to your extended family. I believe a normal, healthy family would support you in doing what was best for your kids. If your sister is hosting and you want to be there, then creating a safe space for your daughter at a healthy distance sounds like the best plan (like staying at a hotel). If that doesn't work for your sister (and is going to take joy away from the holiday), then I'd stay home and celebrate in a more intimate way with my immediate family. Start new traditions, show your kids that they are first always for you and that an intimate family christmas can be amazing.

It depends, I guess, on what Christmas means to you (or what you want it to mean to you). For me, I want to be together with my immediate family more than anything else. I would do what would make my kids and husband happy over what would please my sister (but again, this is just my preference).

When I got married, my BPD mother was deeply unhappy with my husband. I told her on the day of that "Getting married is about making a family unit, not pleasing one."

I'm not sure if this helps but I find mantras and statements like that help keep me grounded when I start to feel pulled in different directions.

[Sarrahamealia]

It all has to be about them. All the time no matter what. I think they do it subconsciously even more so if your BPD mother was an only child

[Panda39]

I guess my question is why do you feel that you need to see your sister/mom on Christmas?  It sounds like all of you would rather not see her or go to her house.  I'm hearing some FOG (Fear,Obligation,Guilt) at play here.  Maybe just have Christmas at home with your immediate family.  Why not just tell her "no" that this year you and your family will be doing Christmas on your own at home.

I hear that you are conflicted between what you "want" to do and what you feel that you "should" do, I know from experience that is a crummy place to be.  I encourage you to be true to yourself and family in this situation.  You are allowed to put your (and your family's) needs and desires first once in awhile. Will this make your mom/sister unhappy probably but you are no responsible for their happiness they are.  You are responsible for your own happiness.

Panda39

[Naughty Nibbler]

Zabava 

I agree with what others have said.  Boundaries are important, and you need to make your own family the priority.  Most people would love to have guests stay at a hotel. 

All you can do is indicate that you would love to visit their town during the holidays, buy your visit would involve your family staying at a hotel.  Perhaps tell them:

"that you are very sorry that they find it offensive that your family would stay at a hotel.  Because this is disturbing to them, it will be best if your family doesn't visit this year.  Indicate that you want all concerned to have a peaceful holiday, without strife.  With that end in mind, you won't be visiting them this year."

If you cave in to their demands, you will just have the same situation over and over again.  Best to not get into an argument and try to defend/justify your position.  It may just need to be radically accepted.  The links below might be helpful. (click on the green words)

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE 

   

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone for your replies.  I am going to try and set boundaries.

[Rock Chick]

A BPD is selfish and they always want to be centre of attention. Hence they hate it when it’s someone else’s special day. This can lead to them sabotaging your day, or just kicking off so they get the attention on your day.

This is soo true. My bf's severely BPD (possibly NPD, HPD, DPD, etc) mother ruined my bf's 30th bday last year and our 2 yr anniversary this yr amongst a few other special occasions too. She def. hates it when it's someones special day or someone buys something or goes somewhere or esp. goes out to eat. She becomes this I'm a victim immature lil raging angry etc child. She also sometimes will drink and drink and drink which usually lately ends up with her being taken to the hospital by the cops or someone. It really sucks that she makes everything about her and she is soo jealous of everyone and everything it's not even funny.

P.S. I agree with everyone else who said stuff about setting boundaries. Hope that helps one Zabava.