Hey iamstarstuff Good to see you again.
He was on anti-depressants, but neither of us were really sure they weren't hurting more than helping
In what way do both of you think the antidepressants are/were hurting? Is he experiencing some side effects? :)o you notice any differences in his behavior?
Sometimes the effects can be subtle. When my father was on antidepressants, he wouldn't admit to any benefit, but the rest of the family noticed that he was less grumpy, critical and more pleasant to be around.
I am trying to learn about how our personalities interact... .my husband, when in a 'bad place', will often say that I am too dominant a person. My own certain views of the world make his black and white thinking worse, he says. Or he'll say that my body language/tone/response reminds him of his condescending father. Or my questioning (of just about anything) shows my dis-trust for him as a person and man.
What was the situation with your husband's family of origin (FOO) and father. He says his father was condescending.
Do you understand how body language and tone can be invalidating? Can you pinpoint, from his point of view, what he believes he sees in your body language and tone?
What can be more important than validating is to
not invalidate. Sometimes, we can invalidate others, without realizing it. We may repeat the way we were invalidated in the past. The two links below have some good examples.
www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Two out of three ain't bad
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html I am lucky to have family and friend support. Although, I find when people don't have an understanding of BPD they seem to react with a, "I can't believe you're putting up with that", attitude. I know I have friends who think I should leave the marriage. I have engaged in some therapy but think I need more.
It can be hard for those unfamiliar with BPD to understand the behaviors you are dealing with. It took me awhile to make sense out of projection, splitting and how a person with BPD, or with strong BPD traits, could treat others well, but then be awful to someone close to them.
Many people find that therapy, coupled with interacting on the boards here, can be a winning combination. This can be a good place to practice some communication skills and strategy. It can, also, be helpful to take some lessons you find here, to a therapy session and gain your therapist's input and guidance on how to specifically apply some strategy to your specific situation.
After reviewing some of the examples at the links above on validation/invalidation, can you think of some ways you might be invalidating your husband? Validation/invalidation can be confusing. I think most of us have invalidated others, without realizing what we were doing.
