uBPDh vs uBPDmil

[martillo]

I hope this is on the right discussion board and I apologize for the length in advance…high conflict, active alcoholic H (who I feel is UBPD) parents moved into house next door to us in August 2015 due to health issues.  I believe MIL is UBPD and FIL has strong narcissistic traits.  Both are 78 yo.  

MIL has Alzheimers and is now in mid Stage 7 (using 1-7 staging scale).  I believe she was most likely stage 5 when they moved in next door so she has declined fairly quickly.  We have companion care in place for 4 days per week as of August, 2016 and started hospice service for her in September, 2016.  FIL has significant physical health issues which have also significantly worsened over the past several months.  He was MIL “primary caregiver” until we started her on hospice and his physical limitations have greatly curtailed any assistance he is able to provide so I have become the primary caregiver for MIL.  

I am usually in their home a couple of hours each night to get MIL meds, ready for and in bed and get meds ready for the next day for her daytime caregiver; make sure kitchen is clean and help w any laundry the daytime caregiver didn’t get finished. I meet weekly w the hospice nurse, social worker, chaplain, go to the pharmacy to pick up any meds not delivered; meet w the neighbor caregiver who does in-laws weekly grocery shopping to make sure all their shopping needs are met.  Approx 3 weeks ago I had to start having additional assistance in the evenings either from H or one of my adult sons to be able to get MIL physically moved and taken care of at bedtime.  

It has been a difficult several months because even with dementia, MIL can go from calm and at peace to cursing, belligerent, physically aggressive – usually because I have to make her “do” something – get up and go to the bathroom, change her wet pants, clean her up.  I do understand that it is the disease but this has been her pattern of behavior for as long as I have known her (one of the reasons I believe she is uBPD – I haven’t read The Borderline Mother but I am guessing she would be a “Queen” type and definitely not always benevolent!)  

H and I have been separated since July 2016 - not because of his parents – we have plenty of our own issues stemming from his probable uBPD and alcohol abuse and my serious lack of boundaries and codependent behavior – and yes, I know I am probably enabling by taking the lead role in caregiving for his parents, but my core self can’t leave 2 basically helpless folks to fend for themselves and I am involved in a 12 step program for my codependent behavior, so I have checks and balances in place.

My issue is that H has always gotten upset when he perceives anything might take my attention off him – it can be a friend, family, an activity, a function, work, even our own kids – and will constantly “attack” me, the friend, family, activity, function – as it “takes time away from the family.”  So now, he is busy attacking his parents – according to him, his dad is just lazy and should be doing more, his dad just uses people (true but I don’t think bringing a sandwich or glass of water to someone who is unsteady and unbalanced on his feet even with a walker counts as “using” people);  it is too traumatic on him (my H) and his mom to get her all upset just to move her to bed (“let her sleep on the couch”) or change her wet depends. Yesterday, H “put his foot down” – I was not to start ordered oxygen or breathing treatments for very low blood oxygen noted by hospice nurse on her visit earlier in the day.  (I did the breathing treatment and started oxygen after H left)  Everything that is being done at this point is for comfort only.

I feel like I have validated – “wow, I know it is hard for you seeing your mom upset, but she can’t stay in wet pants because we don’t want to get skin breakdown or a urinary tract infection.”  “it is upsetting to be cussed at by your mom when she is not wanting to be moved, changed, …. I don’t like it either, but it is the disease.”  But I am getting to a “suck it up, buttercup” point (in our brief stint of marriage counseling a couple of months ago, counselor described H as "passionate" and me as "practical and dogmatic" which I must confess I didn't love, but I will own as being pretty descriptive of at least me!)  In addition to all the above, I work in our family business (it has helped w flexibility but it is still work!) and make sure our last 2 kiddos (DS 16yo and DD 14yo) have their needs somewhat met!

I don’t have a crystal ball for MIL’s life expectancy but I don’t think it will be long at this point.  We have considered placement for MIL, but there are financial constraints which will make that challenging and FIL would then need a separate place.

Any suggestions on how best to comfort and validate H would be greatly appreciated.

[Fie]

Hello 

You deserve a big hug, because you seem to have an awful lot on your plate     

Is there any chance on moving MIL and FIL into a nursing home ?
It is very admirable you want to help them, but as your story is sounding, you are doing way more then most people would do. Even without adding BPD or alcoholism in the picture.

Are you persistant on wanting to keep on doing this ? Or is it an option for you to downgrade a little ?

Is there time left in your schedule to do some things for yourself ?
You are saying that you have an own family ; Do you do things together with your children ?

Do you still live with your husband ?

[martillo]

Fie:

Thank you for your response! 

1.  Is there any chance on moving MIL and FIL into a nursing home ?

2.  Are you persistant on wanting to keep on doing this ? Or is it an option for you to downgrade a little ?

3.  Is there time left in your schedule to do some things for yourself ?

4.  You are saying that you have an own family ; Do you do things together with your children ?

5.  Do you still live with your husband ?

1.  We have discussed placement of at least MIL - there are financial constraints, but I know we could find a way, if necessary.  Based on her progression and decline, I am not sure how much longer MIL will live.  If MIL is placed or when she passes away, FIL will either need to move in with H or I or his financials won't be as strained as he is currently paying for companion care service for MIL for 20 hrs / week (which is about $2000/month) - FIL would most likely be able to afford assisted living at that time.

2.  Persistent in wanting to keep doing this?  That is kind of a loaded question!  I am persistent in wanting to make sure that in-laws are treated with respect and dignity and properly taken care of - yes... .I know it doesn't have to be me.  I argued for and finally convinced FIL to get outside companion caregiver in place.  Now that MIL is unable to move fairly easily with only assistance from me in getting to bed at night, I make sure I have either H or another adult (usually one of my adult sons) there to help move her safely and we have gotten transfer chair, hospital bed, CNAs to bathe twice a week, also from hospice.  We have also made use of respite care so I could take DS-16 and DD-14 on a trip in November. 

3.  I recently started personal counseling due to all that is going on to help me process and deal with it all.  I am involved in a 12 step program for my codependent issues.  It has helped me recognize what is mine to own and what is not!  I am still able to and do things for myself - it just takes a lot more planning and scheduling - not much spontaneity in my life right now!  I have cut back on some volunteer activities that I enjoy but that is a season that many of us go through.  The one thing I think I miss (and probably need the most) is exercise and time to exercise... .

4.  Honestly, my kids are really my first priority right now.  We did miss one activity this fall that is one of our "traditional" family events, but I make sure I am at most of their sporting and school events; my younger 2 and I took an out of state trip in November; I still ferry them (and friends if needed) to and from school and activities - I think car time is a valuable parenting tool!

5.  We have a lake house about 25 minutes from our main home and H is staying there.  He is in and out of our main home several times a week, but doesn't "spend the night."  His parents live next door to our main home.

Now that H has actually had to become involved in the day to day care of his parents, my biggest issue is trying to communicate effectively with him - he is, by nature, a complainer, (as are in-laws) and his ?uBPD and alcohol abuse are both very selfish processes - it is a challenge for all of us to care for his folks - my "complaint" bucket is full though - I know H is full of hard-to-deal-with emotions.  How best to support him with out becoming his "dumping" ground!

[Notwendy]

I think you are doing  a great service for your in laws ( and H as well). As far as this being "co-dependent" I think if your wish to help comes from a sincere place in your heart, it is not being co-dependent. I've been in 12 steps/counseling for co-dependency as well, and we have discussed that the same behaviors can be either co-dependent or not, depending on the motivation. A sincere desire to do what feels right to you- is honoring your values. If you were to  help your in laws with some motive that any of them ( H included) will change- then that would be co-dependent.

Part of this struggle for your H is the change in family patterns that accompanies an ailing parent. Probably most adult children might feel resentful once in a while about caring for an elderly parent who is difficult to manage. But they can manage these feelings and do what they feel is right. Your H may not be able to deal with the many feelings that come with this situation.

Your H, being an alcoholic, and having his own issues may be ill equipped to provide hands on care for his parents. I also would bet that his own family baggage kicked in. I have provided some hands on care for my elderly MIL- and that is a lot easier than doing the same thing for my mother. My MIL does not have BPD- but she is elderly and can snap at people ( not her typical self) but we don't have the long term emotional issues like close family members have, so I am less reactive to it.

Whatever patterns went on in your H's FOO- they have been there a long time, before your marriage.

Here is where I think there may be some stepping over the co-dependency line- managing your H's relationship with his parents, and trying to support him and comfort his feelings about their aging and illness. Keep in mind the drama triangle- and the players here are you, in laws, and H. I think ( and this is my opinion, don't know if it is a fact) that the pwBPD takes "victim" position. Victims don't act accountable for their actions because they feel someone is acting on them. Victims are helpless. In most cases, the adults on the drama triangle are not helpless. However- children and the elderly are in many ways- helpless and dependent. The in laws are in ways victims- they are ill, elderly and helpless. However, if your H sees himself as victim - then he is likely to not see them as victims but in one of the other roles. ( persecutor, rescuer).

I think it is good that your H helps, but if he isn't doing it voluntarily- then trying to make him do it can cause issues between you if you are the enforcer. It may be that if this continues to be a source of conflict- then hiring more help might be the better option.

He might be feeling all kinds of things. It is scary to see one's parents age. Drinking is one way to not feel these kinds of feelings. But it isn't your place to deal with his feelings. I think you are being supportive of him- but he's going to feel what he feels. You know that your side of things is to take care of you.

[martillo]

@Notwendy... .that darned Karpman triangle!  You are right, of course, that H feels victimized by pretty much all parties involved in all aspects of his life that aren't in line with his world vision especially right now.  And it's the holidays... .traditionally a hard time for him. 

And now that you remind me of the Karpman triangle, I recognize that it was standard operating procedure for his FOO... .I guess just keep my side of the street clean is the best I can do!

[Janneke]

Not to hijack the thread but can someone tell me what uBPDh and uBPDmil are? I've gathered h is for husband and mil is mother inlaw but what's the u?

[Janneke]

Not to hijack the thread but can someone tell me what uBPDh and uBPDmil are? I've gathered h is for husband and mil is mother inlaw but what's the u?

Never mind - I just found the glossary!

[martillo]

MIL passed away last night.  I am not sure how I feel or even how I'm supposed to feel.  I am glad that she is not suffering any longer, but the family drama has me somewhat discombobulated.  Her son who has had no contact for 8 months and his family showed up the last couple of days to moan and cry (and then drink and party) and I can barely tolerate being in the same room as them.  H and I hugged and he is angry because that didn't miraculously resolve our issues so he is pushing all the boundary buttons.  ... .and I still need to finish Christmas shopping and creating some sort of festive day.  Thanks for "listening" while I have my overwhelmed moment.  This too shall pass and I can tolerate most anything for a while. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

MARTILLO:
Thoughts and prayers your way. Your MIL was lucky to have your help and support until the end.  I'm sorry for all you been through and continue to deal with. 

Take some time to take care of yourself.

[Notwendy]

I really commend you for your being a steady presence in your family during this difficult time. It may not feel as if this is appreciated in the moment, but even if others don't recognize it, I hope it gives you comfort to know that you were a godsend to this elderly couple.

If I take a long term perspective in family events, I can see that certain milestones create changes. Families that adjust to these changes in emotionally mature ways probably cope with them in mature ways. Dysfunctional families would cope in dysfunctional ways. These can be both good and sad events. When I look at my own FOO- things like moving for a new job, the kids going off to college, financial issues and my father's death, all seemed to feel crazy. My parents seemed to get into fights, act up at events like my graduation. It makes sense for parents to feel emotional at such a milestone- both proud and a bit sad at this next step the child takes to maturity. Parents with BPD also have these feelings, but may cope with them in different ways.

The death of a parent is a huge milestone, and a difficult one- even for the most emotionally mature people. I think my BPD mom was at her worst during his illness and death- which would make sense since pwBPD have difficulty managing their emotions. Dad was not feeling his best either. It took me a long time to process the grief.

Your H and his family are likely to process this in their own way, and it may feel like things are just bad for a while. They may be so caught up in their own feelings that they are oblivious to yours. Take care of yourself through this difficult time.