Grievinghubby
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 13
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« Reply #30 on: December 13, 2016, 03:51:16 AM » |
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It's been so long since I posted, that I have no idea if anyone will read this update. Nonetheless, it's something that I should have written months ago. It astounds me that it's December and that my my most recent post was written in April. I guess living my life took up so much of my time that I didn't have time to write about it. Well, I'd like to say that's so, but I'm sure I could have made the time. Maybe I just didn't know what to say because there's no way of summarizing it in real time.
In any case, I'll lay out the highlights/lowlights for the record:
I did see my wife in April and the visit went well. Unfortunately, as very often happens when I travel by plane, after a couple of days in Texas, I got sick. Still, overall, the visit went well. She and MF picked me up at the airport. My first thought was that my wife's pallor was poor and she looked liked she'd aged. Later, my friend opined that she had the same impression. During those few days, my wife and I had many conversations and it didn't take long before the truth started spilling out. Yes, she'd been pressured for sex and had complied. Yes, the ex wanted more. Yes, she was living in fear. And, to my amazement, she asked me for help. She asked me for help not only with her current situation, but with finding out why she behaves as she does and, in short, what must she do to overcome being so broken and unhappy. For the first time in years she allowed herself to be vulnerable and asked for help. It would seem to be simply wrong to say that I was happy about this development, so perhaps relieved is a better word. Even proud. Proud of her for taking the first step towards taking ownership of her role as tempest and the trail of debris she's left in her wake.
With the help of MF, we quickly formulated a plan for the future. Despite our combined pleas, my wife insisted on returning to New Mexico to "clean up her mess" before coming home. She said that she had friends with whom she could stay while she retrieved her belongings and that she'd be on the road, driving east within a couple of days. She said that it would be dangerous if I accompanied her to NM, as her ex made a great show of owning multiple firearms, including one he proudly told her was untraceable. This one, I was told, he keeps in the drawer in the kitchen for ready access. She also reported that he had taken her out to the desert more than once and in the course of doing so, "casually" mentioned how someone could be killed in the desert and the body might never be found.
Looking back, you'd think that having heard these stories that I would never let her go back there alone. I don't know anymore, perhaps over the months I've started to confuse the order of events; maybe that day in April when I left to return to the east coast while she waited for her flight back to NM I didn't yet know all those facts. Either way, what I do know is that every fiber in my being was telling me not to let her go by herself or to somehow just get her on the plane with me to the east coast. But I wanted to show that I had confidence in her, that I believed that she had had a real epiphany, and that as an adult it was her right to return to NM, say her piece, and leave. But in my heart, I knew that it was a huge risk and likely a mistake. But short of trying to have her declared incompetent or using some similar legal declaration, there wasn't much I could do.
Predictably, she returned to NM, events transpired, and she stayed. I could go through the specific events, but I'm not sure it would matter. She seemed like she really was intending to head home. But, her car needed to be checked over before making the trip and she overestimated her ability to get into town, get her stuff, and get out smoothly. The first night, she stayed in a local motel and allegedly after that stayed with a local friend. I say allegedly because I later came to learn that she returned to the ex's trailer (yes, it was a trailer, not a house as she'd previously described), even as she continued to claim that she was staying with a friend who was about to have a baby and could use my wife's help. So, the quick return east became an eventual return east and that morphed into a decision to stay in NM because the cost of living is so much less and she could work an hourly wage job and attend the local branch of the U of NM. Of course, eventually, she admitted that she was back at the ex's, but by that time it was clear that the opportunity to get her home was already lost.
The following weeks were filled with remorse and guilt. I knew that letting her go back alone was a mistake, but I'd done it anyway. But slowly I again came to realize that I was trying to take responsibility for her life. Slowly I again found my equilibrium and was forced to simply accept that these are her decisions and short of risking my job (and my life perhaps) by going down to NM to retrieve her, there was nothing I could do. Except, if I chose, to keep the lines of communication open.
We still had the plan for the May graduation trip and I held onto hope that perhaps it would still occur. In the intervening weeks, it seemed that she became more aware of just how precarious a situation she was in. More detail was revealed about just how totally her ex was dominating her life. He had been and was again doing all he could to make her his maid, cook, and whore. For a while she insisted that she had said that she would return east just to get me to allow her to leave. But as time when on and details were revealed, it became clear that she was simply scared out of her mind and feeling completely trapped. There was, at least at that point, no sign of the promised job and the ex, knowing that she had seen me in TX, was all the more angry and threatening.
To my surprise, however, he did not intervene to keep her from going home to her kids for the graduation in May. He threatened, but did not physically restrain her. As I promised, flew west to attend the graduation. I stayed with my mother for a bit, while my wife stayed with her kids. But eventually, we moved to a hotel. Looking back now, I can't recall when the decision was made that she would return east with me. Maybe it was before she left NM or maybe it was while we were together. My recollection is that she insisted that she was going back to NM, but it seemed to me that as much as she said that was her intent, her actions suggested that she wanted me to "convince" her to come home. In the end, that's what occurred. After we spent the few days together for the graduation, we flew back east together.
I did not bring her back into my life blindly or unconditionally, however. We agreed that if she returned that she would have no contact with the ex, that she would enter therapy, and that if she failed to make a good faith effort in therapy or if she ended it before the therapist released her, that she would be required to leave. We agreed that she would not worry about finding a job for at least a while, so that she could focus on her health and forming a realistic plan for her future. I told her that even if she did these things that there was no guarantee that our marriage would continue. I made it clear that my goal was to give her the opportunity to get help and get healthy. Once that was achieved, or as much of it was achieved as possible, we could decide whether there was a future for us as a couple. I had become so keenly aware of the damage done to my psyche and to our relationship, and, oddly, how much healthier I had begun to live while she was gone, that for once I had the strength to stand up for my own needs, even as I tried to keep my commitment to her as her husband to stand by her while she faced her illness.
So, she's been back since June. To her credit, once we identified the best possible therapist options in our area, she made some calls and began weekly DBT sessions and a weekly skills class with other BPD women. To date, she's missed very few sessions and seems to be doing all the homework assigned. She has accepted that she has BPD and has, not surprisingly, done a lot to educate herself about the illness. When she first returned, she was pretty fragile and I was afraid to leave her alone. She was also very grateful and contrite. As she went through the therapy and did the work, she was able to articulate memories of her childhood and how they affected her. She began to look at her behavior in relationships, particularly ours, and was as self-reflective as I've ever known her to be.
I wish I could say that this was the start of a "happily ever after" ending. But this is no child's story or fairy tale. The truth, as I imagine many of you know from personal experience, is that even effective therapy is no cure. My wife has BPD. She will always have BPD. While she has developed skills to recognize her emotional state more readily and has found a greater level of stability, she still has BPD. As the summer and fall played out, we've tried to deal with our issues as a couple. Due to financial constraints, I was unable to pay for her care and continue my own therapy, but I worked with my therapist long enough to at least begin to examine how our relationship affects me and what role my wife plays in my own mental health. I've been able to examine just how much I've been damaged by my wife over the years and I've learned that while it's possible to forgive, forgiveness does not equate to repaired trust.
So, as I write this in the wee hours of December 12, I do so with the conviction that too much damage has been done, too much pain, too many lies, too many breaches have occurred over the years; to be healthy I need to move on. It's not an easy thing to tell someone who is working hard to find a new way to live and a new understanding of herself that no matter how hard she works or how much progress she makes, this marriage has to end. But that's what I've had to tell her. At times, she agrees and professes that the better she knows herself, the more she realizes that we aren't well suited to be together. She acknowledges that she does better on her own, without the entanglements of a relationship and all the demands that come with having a partner. Yet, quite often, she seems to forget all of that and behave as if we're a happy, loving couple with a bright future. it's truly confusing.
As things stand now, she talks of returning to the midwest to be near her kids and extended family. She talks about returning to some elements of her previous professional life. Gone are plans for retraining for a new career that is better suited to her emotional abilities and needs. She's back to wanting to go back to her old career, now with the conviction that the skills she's gained will allow her to be successful. I can't pretend that I think she's likely to succeed. Neither does MF. Sadly, although she's more stable than in the past, many of her struggles remain and it seems likely that if she returns to previous roles and settings that she'll have the same old struggles. Who knows? Maybe I'm underestimating her growth and overestimating the poor fit between her emotional needs and abilities and the plans she's making. I hope so. I hope that she's on course for great success and happiness.
Sometimes the thought of her leaving fills me with sadness. Sometimes I want to cling to her. But mostly, despite some fear, I want to get started on the rest of my life. I've fulfilled my marriage vows; I got her out of the bad situation, I gave her the opportunity to get help. and I continue to support her financially as best I can. But it's about time to move on. As I told her recently, I deserve to live free from random verbal attacks. I deserve to rebuild my relationships with my children who feel estranged by her presence because they cannot not and will not trust her again. Most of all, I deserve the opportunity to go out and meet people and, if I'm lucky, meet someone with whom I want to build a relationship free form the baggage that comes with years of lies, attacks, accusations, and breaches of trust. I deserve the chance to start fresh. And, as I've made the case to her, so does she. If she wishes to be involved in a serious relationship, she deserves to do it with someone who isn't scarred from all the damage that's been done before she was diagnosed and treated. She deserves someone who can decide do novo whether to trust her and if he does so, will do it without all the crap that comes from having been burnt by trusting her in the past and having that trust blown to bits. Honestly, I think she'd be better off forgoing a serious relationship for now, maybe for the rest of her life. it'll never be easy for her and given that she's never lived alone in her adult life, I think she needs to experience that first before contemplating coupling. But that'll be up to her. I can't be responsible for her anymore. I have to be responsible for me and finally to do so without the constant worry about what she'll do or say next that hurts me or someone I love. I think this freedom that we can give each other may be the greatest gift either of us can offer the other. We'll see. We've talked about it, but so far not much has changed. There are realities that much be addressed, such as where will she live and how will she continue her therapy wherever she goes. But, whether it takes weeks or months, the day must come when we move on.
Some might say that I wasted a lot of time and effort (and money) into getting to this point where I wish to do that which I could have done months ago; walk away. But I think that misses an important point. I'm ready now to get on with the rest of my life knowing that I fulfilled my promise to my wife and to myself. I've lived within my integrity and have not abandoned her. I have nothing for which I need to feel guilty, least of all, deciding that it's time to care for myself as much as I've cared for her.
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