Character Assassination

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,
I've been posting a lot lately.  So many things swirling around in my head.
Every day since my separation, I wake up with a huge knot of anxiety in my chest.  Sometimes it hurts to breathe.  Sometimes it is accompanied by crazy crying.  Today, just the knot, and painful breathing.
I find it impossible not to ruminate.  I try so hard, to distract myself, to keep busy, to focus on my kids and the things I need to do instead of letting my mind go over and over the relationship and where it went wrong and what happened and what if... .
Today, I can't stop thinking about the smear campaign he waged against me.  It feels like the biggest betrayal from everything else he has done.  Bigger than his 3 emotional affairs that he admitted to, bigger than the financial ruin he set on me, bigger even than the physical abuse.  He has been telling people lies about me for a very long time, and I only found out he has been doing it a couple of months ago.  By the time I found out, almost everyone we know has been hearing his crap about me for so long, even if they don't believe all or some or most of it, I lost much of my reputation.
I have told a few close friends how I feel about this, and they tell me, "Who cares? Who cares what anyone else thinks?"  To some extent I agree with them.  But on the other hand, first of all I do care.  Second of all, it is the betrayal that bothers me, someone I trusted and loved with all my heart, betrayed me to everyone else.  I can honestly say I know what it is like to be stabbed in the back.  This is it!  A knife clean through your heart from behind you, you  never saw it coming, and it's the one you loved most who did it to you.
Maybe that's why it hurts to breathe.

[talking rose]

Hi All,
I've been posting a lot lately.  So many things swirling around in my head.
Every day since my separation, I wake up with a huge knot of anxiety in my chest.  Sometimes it hurts to breathe.  Sometimes it is accompanied by crazy crying.  Today, just the knot, and painful breathing.
I find it impossible not to ruminate.  I try so hard, to distract myself, to keep busy, to focus on my kids and the things I need to do instead of letting my mind go over and over the relationship and where it went wrong and what happened and what if... .
Today, I can't stop thinking about the smear campaign he waged against me.  It feels like the biggest betrayal from everything else he has done.  Bigger than his 3 emotional affairs that he admitted to, bigger than the financial ruin he set on me, bigger even than the physical abuse.  He has been telling people lies about me for a very long time, and I only found out he has been doing it a couple of months ago.  By the time I found out, almost everyone we know has been hearing his crap about me for so long, even if they don't believe all or some or most of it, I lost much of my reputation.
I have told a few close friends how I feel about this, and they tell me, "Who cares? Who cares what anyone else thinks?"  To some extent I agree with them.  But on the other hand, first of all I do care.  Second of all, it is the betrayal that bothers me, someone I trusted and loved with all my heart, betrayed me to everyone else.  I can honestly say I know what it is like to be stabbed in the back.  This is it!  A knife clean through your heart from behind you, you  never saw it coming, and it's the one you loved most who did it to you.
Maybe that's why it hurts to breathe.

[Emotions]

It is hard to believe that once a BEST FRIEND and lover, is now a betrayer of all we hold dear to our hearts, love, faith, loyalty, compassion, you name it... .almost like our love story has been erased or like someone spilled paint all over every page... .What the heck! It's flabbergasting, unbelievable... .there is nothing I can say to make any of this go away... .I will ask you, however, are you gonna let this sink your ship? Or are you gonna use this 'opportunity' to realize that you have strength beyond anything you thought possible? It sucks, and it's not something any of us thought we'd ever have to deal with... .but that doesn't make it go away... .so face it head on and LEAN INTO IT, brace yourself for the emotional exhaustion, but never give up on yourself or the love you have in your heart... .I feel crushed sometimes, but I'm not gonna let it pull me down! Good luck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi talking rose,

That's awful for you.  If it has happened to me I'm blissfully unaware, although I do know he talked enough about me when we were together to give some very skewed views about me - either I'm a hell hound or a poor victim of domestic abuse.  Neither very attractive.  Luckily I don't know the people he spoke to, just that he talked about our relationship A LOT - to anyone who would listen (giving his sob stories to no doubt line up new supplies) although it was enough to mean I found it hard to go about my business in public at first.  Now I hold my head up and SMILE at everyone.  I don't know if they have heard his tales or not, but I realised at some point that the only opinion of me that matters is my own.  I'd urge you to find that in yourself. 

Who did he smear you to?  Anyone who can have a direct effect on your life? 

Love and light x

[jonmnemonic]

What do you think the purpose was in your partner assassinating your character?  From their point of view, what were they trying to accomplish?

Is it part of their power play to control you by controlling what other people think about you?
Is it about attention seeking?
Is it to boost their own ego?
Is it to deflect attention from their own weaknesses/failures?
Is it projection of their own behavior?
Do you think they truly believe what they said about you?

From what I can tell from my own situation, it was never about actual problem solving.  My exBPD would go around crying foul to anyone who would listen and would drop them like nuclear isotopes once they told her there was nothing more they could do to help if she didn't listen to them.  Sometimes it was simple cutting remarks about me to or in front of friends/family.  I think for the most part it was desperately seeking out people that would listen to her sob story about me and how bad I was.

I'm not entirely sure what she gets out of it but I know she has to be the victim in every story she tells and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with manipulation and control.  Funny enough those are the 2 main things she accused me of doing to her.

[Emotions]

From my understanding, if rose was the bad guy, then her ex was the victim... .being a victim, the ex then gets attention and validation (false validation) that they are in fact a victim, it can be their own defense mechanisms, and or the persons listening to the smear campaign, can save the victim from the horrible things rose did... .just my two cents

[talking rose]

Emotions got it spot on: he wants to be portrayed as the victim.
I am such a horrible person, look what he had to put up with all these years... .
Also, I believe he did this smear campaign as part of a process to take away all credibility from me before he escalated his abuse.  Once I am the bad guy and he is the victim, no one will believe anything I say.  I already encountered this at the beginning of our separation, when I started to talk about what he did, and I was met with, "well, I know you guys have been having problems, it takes two to tango... ."
He never counted on me going to court to get legal protection from him.
He never counted on the courts not caring about what my part was in the dynamics that led to him assaulting me.
Ironically, his character assassination worked against him, because without community support, I had no choice but to get a TRO to protect myself.
True, some people think I'm making it up or exaggerating the abuse (he admits he has a temper problem but that it's not as bad as I make it seem.)  But others say, if the court granted you a TRO they know you need it.  I lean on them.
 A close friend called me tonight and said that if he comes in and I am not able to call 911, to tell him I have to text her because she is on her way over to pick up lemons, and that if she gets a text from me saying," sorry, I didn't realize I am out of lemons too," she will call 911 for me.  That's a good plan but even more so, she showed me that she cares about my safety more than his story.  She gave me strength more than she can ever imagine.
Back to your question, I believe a smear campaign is always about discrediting the victim.  It is about setting the stage for further abuse because no one will believe a discredited victim.

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Talking Rose (and everyone else)

I'm not entirely sure what she gets out of it but I know she has to be the victim in every story she tells and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with manipulation and control.  Funny enough those are the 2 main things she accused me of doing to her.

This sounds eerily similar to my situation. She HAS to be the victim... the perfect girlfriend who was mistreated, manipulated, and fooled into believing things. She invested so much energy into controlling and manipulating me but then turned around every chance she got and told me how I did nothing but manipulate her the entire time.  It also helps her get my replacements to feel bad for her. Suckered into the "woe is me" stories and showering them with the same "love and adoration" she showed me in the beginning... .I also got the sob story of her ex. How much of an awful despicable human being they were... .It made me feel bad for her especially when accompanied with how sweet, caring, and overall amazing she presented herself as.

She sucked me in completely and then SWITCH. It all flipped and I never saw it comin. Couldnt believe it was actually happening because shes too sweet, too loving, too kind... .right. 

The smear campaign my ex waged (and is still waging, I'm sure) on me was vicious. I'm pretty sure she attacked me in every single way possible. According to her campaign I'm:   Manipulative, obsessive, crazy, an alcoholic (which of course she furthered by claiming an abusive/angry drunk), erratic, etc etc.

In my case, she took every single thing SHE actually is/does and projected it right onto me.  Her friends and family all seem to believe it, she is quite convincing, but even they must be at a point where they question it... .I mean, at some point they must stop and think to themselves "How come every single one of your exes is XY&Z?"  -- Then again, her "support system" likes to pacify her. Let her live in this world where shes the smartest, prettiest, overall most loving/caring... .Not sure if theyre too afraid to actually point out she may be the one who needs help... .or if ignorance really is bliss.

Then again, aside from her mom and grandparents (who enable her to the FULLEST), she keeps enough distance from her friends to be able to hide it quite well. Just the right amount of spending time together/texting -- In our relationship, we saw her friends MAX a handful of times. They each have their own issues, deeply rooted, but if they actually spent more time around her I think she knows they'd see "the mask off"

[once removed]

like Emotions touched on, it is really surreal to experience a loved one become an enemy. it can really throw a wrench in the middle of grief.

im sorry youre hearing some invalidating responses from friends. id care, too. it would be disconcerting even if your connection was not what it was.

recognizing what drives his motivations can, over time, help depersonalize the behavior, but right now, its likely a cold comfort - probably just even more surreal.

A close friend called me tonight and said that if he comes in and I am not able to call 911, to tell him I have to text her because she is on her way over to pick up lemons, and that if she gets a text from me saying," sorry, I didn't realize I am out of lemons too," she will call 911 for me. 

this is a good plan. im glad you have that support.