Does my mother have borderline personality disorder?

[Squeek123]

Hello everyone
Im here to gather some advice and information as I believe my mother could possibly have one of three things. Borderline personality, paranoid personality or narcissism.

Controlling
Holds grudges
Manipulative especially noticed in a rage
Revengeful
Cant handle criticism

Doesn't boast about achievements or make any up.

She claims she was diagnosed with OCD which im sure she probably has as she cleans etc, wont let anyone wash dishes other than her fussy with food. Etc.

She doesn't seem to lie but in rage can twist things and does projection gas light. The rages dont happen very often and usually occur within stressful situation and when someone confronts her. In the rage you can just stand there and suddenly youll be accused if raging, yet it is her.

She hasn't any friends although she claims she is extroverted, but is home often. She is glued to my dad and doesn't like me getting to close i feel.

She did briefly go on a dating site, met men and got money from them and also blackmailed them as they were cheating on their wife's snd demanded money to be quiet. Apparently the wifes thanked her as my mom caught him lieing from social media.

So these are somethings. I can go into more detail if needed. Please advise.

[Turkish]

Hi Squeek123,

I'm glad you've joined our community searching for answers and support.



To begin,  I'd believe the OCD Dx. For the layperson,  OCD is understood as manifesting as you describe.  My ex would often awake on a Saturday morning and obsessively clean the kitchen (after we had cleaned it the previous night), and angrily,  too. My mother self diagnoses as OCD, which means she is obsessively neat,  or juxtaposedly filthy and hoarding.  My insight into this is that it's about controlling ones environment to soothe emotions she may not be able to deal with otherwise.  

Beyond this,  OCD can be hell on relationships as well,  with sufferers getting locked into ruminating,  "do they love me or not?" As for BPD, we have info here which can help:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

The first step is making sense of all of this.  The next might be determining what you can do, which in most cases means for you,  rather than the sufferer in our lives.  

Beyond trying to make sense of all of this,  not a small task by any means,  what are your feelings on what you need to do after? We can certainly help support you with establishing healthy boundaries and the like.  I hope to hear more on how we can help support you  

Turkish

[Squeek123]

Thanks for your reply.
Yes, there are many elements to her OCD such as checking locks and doors, ultra-picky with food etc. She claims she'd like to be on her own alone, but when my dad goes to work she doesn't like it I believe. I did quickly discuss some things with an online psychiatrist, he seemed to think it could be paranoid personality disorder or borderline personality disorder combined with OCD? I'm not sure. Since the strong manipulation and rage I have seen, could this be part of OCD?

Obviously, I have many of my own issues from some of the experiences I had or genetics.

Here comes the hard bit. I like to see my family (her sister specifically) who is my aunt. She, with my uncle, took me on holidays had me over, and basically made my life a little easier growing up. I loved to stay with them, and sometimes didn't want to come home! But to them, the aunt and uncle, they never had any children, and for them It was a good opportunity to see my as one.

My mom blames others in general. She blames that her sister and mother are at the root of most of her problems. I have no idea if this has substance or not. She doesn't see them anymore and makes it quite difficult for me to go after the recent death of her brother (who died as a result of alcohol abuse), but hasn't stopped me totally. Anyway, I am nearly 30! I live at home because it is very difficult to get a place with my wage and the country I live. Also, I would possibly feel lonely since I myself don't have many friends (just one that is close) - my mom doesn't have any.

Because I've seen my mother be manipulative in a rage, I don't want her to convince me that the sister and mother are so bad when they might not be. She might be right, her brother became an alcoholic, so something must have been wrong? Or coincidence? Her and the brother are totally different to the aunt of mine, the aunt is extroverted and more of a show off.

Hope I haven't rambled on too much :D But would appriciate any suggestions. Thanks

[Janneke]

The blaming others / victimization is a characteristic of BPD. My loved one with BPD does that too, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Is your mom's sister the aunt you spent holidays with? Are you able to reach out to them over email, phone, etc. so you have some contact and support?

[Squeek123]

Yes, I am normally able to phone the sister, I also visit regularly. But the sister has nothing to do with my mom, same as her mother. When a rage does happen it can lead to her demanding I leave the house, and if so, she wants me to never return. It is my dad that trys to change her views on this and eventually does. But in the back of my mind I wonder if she would do that; just discard me?
In this situation it would be me having to appologise, usually for something I hadn't done or was meaningless. And I could be having to stay with the sister for a week in the past.
I am full of worry at the moment too and it makes me feel crazy and I am unable to socalise easily. Also, me and the sister have had an exchange of words  - My mom isn't keen on me seeing her mother (my nan) and I think my aunt is angry at me for not going recently, although I have spoken on the phone.

[Squeek123]

Can anyone relate to this:

- Name calling: "You silly little man" - to my father. - Be-belittling, bullying.
- Talking in a child-like voice, patronizing. etc when angry.
- Strange eye contact, glaring.
- Threats such as "I will kill my enemies if I get ill".
- Hates my dad to speak with me alone.
- Father can't spend time with me.
- Mother is ALWAYS is in the right.
- Can't handle criticism.
- Very manipulative
- Remembers past events like yesterday
- Cannot let things go
- When I need support it comes back to her every time.
- Both of my parents turn everything into some-kind of game where they have to be right - looking over every detail.
- I am now allowed to have my own opinion on things they disagree with.

What is worse is when my mother gets like this I am shoved aside and not cared for (when growing up or otherwise). My dad tells me to leave and hasn't spoken to me about this.

Does this all sound like BPD or something else?

[Fie]

It definitely sounds a bit like my mum   :-)   

[Rock Chick]

I'm no doctor but I would say it's possibly BPD or at very least one of the other cluster Bs (or even other two clusters). Some of what you have described reminds me of my bf's severely BPD (possibly npd, hpd, dpd) mother.

[Squeek123]

Thanks for the reply. I worry that it is NPD, but have no idea sounds much like BPD. Any way to tell the difference?

[Turkish]

There's a lot of info here, but it's a good place to start. The DSM definitions are at the bottom...

https://bpdfamily.com/content/traits-personality-disorder

[Pilpel]

I worry that it is NPD, but have no idea sounds much like BPD. Any way to tell the difference?

I refer to my SIL as BPD even though I don't think she's ever been diagnosed.  But I do so mainly because when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, it was the closest thing I had ever read that described our situation.  She may not fit perfectly in any one label.  But we walk on eggshells around her.  And she puts a lot of stress and upset on people around her. 

[Squeek123]

Thanks for your replies. I can relate to that, the walking on egg shells.
Today was bad. Because I have social anxiety I want to try and treat it with CBT, so I mentioned it to my father and mother. My dad showed some interest and my mother hardly any. Then quickly the topic was 'her' - SHE wants to move, blah blah - no interest in me.
Then my dad quickly gets on her side - It is OUR house, etc. It made me upset today. She has tried to turn my against her sister and mother. But I know now again that it can't be them. She said "It always seems to be ME at fault" - I thought, hmmm, funny isn't it - wouldn't she not realise that she criticizes everyone else but is never at fault.

She seems impossible to realise she has a problem outside of OCD. But rages, etc aren't to do with OCD but something more, such as BPD. I have no idea if it is BPD, PPD or even narcissism. But I'd really appreciate finding out since some get better with age and others worse.

Sadly, I lack confidence due to social anxiety (just stepping out the door is sometimes very very hard), so whilst moving out will be ideal, it feels impossible. I do have the rest of my family and could visit my parents - but my dad would be funding this as I don't have the available finances. Also, going to CBT would be possibly useful, but the lack of encouragement is really off-putting (she was saying I bet they'll blame me, and you need to be careful with that they say, etc). Her again. It was Her, Her Her. Anger of course - she was putting pressure on me about moving, just at the perfect time that you talk about the CBT.

Please help !