Sweeet one minute and a monster the next?

[Confused108]

I would like to know if anyone else has seen this with their ex BPD person. Mine at times would be the sweetest person with me. Explaining how she has issues, she does not want to hurt me etc. . Then other times she was a total monster. Screaming blaming everything on me. There is nothing wrong with her it's everyone else. Now I know they do project on others. That's not what I'm asking. What I'm asking is has anyone seen their ex be very sweet when they were either trying to break  it off with you or explaining they have issues one day and then the next time they mention the above they are a total monster?

[VitaminC]

What I'm asking is has anyone seen their ex be very sweet when they were either trying to break  it off with you or explaining they have issues one day and then the next time they mention the above they are a total monster?

Yes, Confused108, all the time. This was so frequent and completely baffling. Now that I understand the disorder, it makes sense.  Moods that change quickly and a sense of reality that is dependent upon those moods. The truth is in the moment and the understanding of 'the bigger picture' or some kind of consistency or in-between grey areas is not really possible.

So, yes, either you are a monster, or they are.

You've quite a lot of posts, but I'm sorry I don't know your back-story. Have you read about the disorder here? Scroll down to Lesson 4 here and read about BPD Behaviours: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331265#msg1331265

I hope that helps.

[Stripey77]

The short answer to your question is yes. Almost 6 months ago my ex locked me in a toilet with him on a night out to have a huge heart to heart with me,  after 6 months of condemning me to silent treatment and ghosting, one of the bleakest periods of my life. During that conversation my ex suddenly blurted out that I had made him so very happy and he had enjoyed every minute with me, that the problem was him because the 'darkness in his brain' had taken over but it wasn't my fault.

Lots of things have happened since that particular night including another 4 months+ of ST. But just to take us to the present day, he is now once again acknowledging me and almost even treating me as a friend - almost. He suddenly turned up to and invited himself into my house last weekend, again after seeing me on a night out. During a completely different heart to heart, at 5.30 in the morning no less, he reiterated over and over how we can't be together because 'we don't have a connection' because... .wait for it... .of the great crime I apparently committed in having an argument with him over year ago which triggered him deciding to dump me from a great height. One very minor disagreement. I am now being told that this is why we can't be together (or one of the reasons) and this was apparently so pressing to tell me at 5 in the morning, despite so many other things happening since the day in question.

He doesn't scream and shout at me, he never has. But this is the SAME PERSON who not so long ago told me I'd made him so happy and that he was the problem... .now telling me pretty much that it's my fault we don't work, and do I remember what happened that day. Conveniently forgetting that a)  we since got back together  (and broke again) and that he's been back to me several times since.

It is of course, an excuse. So much easier, except in very lucid moments, to point the finger and accuse, than to face themselves and their fears.

[Stripey77]

Oh I should also say, he began this entire conversation last weekend with telling me that he's realised what he's got in me and that he doesn't want to lose me from his life, that he really, really appreciates me having been here for him and that he's realised that I am important to him.  But not 'like that' and he doesn't love me, apparently. This was what was so important to tell me in the small hours after chatting to me earlier in a bar and after months of silent treatment - to turn up at my house and tell me that he doesn't love me


Ok.

[ortac77]

This I think is common, Black/White no Grey. My Partner has some very sweet, caring moments but in the blink of an eye those can change to ignoring me, blaming me and everyone else. The more I have thought about it he exists mainly in child mode, clingy and dependent one minute and having a tantrum the next.

It seems to be a central feature of the illness and of course however much one understands it that does not make it easy to live with, after all I am a human being too - BPD does not allow for that, we are expected to maintain consistency, forgiveness whatever! I am sure my partner loves me - but it is not a normal adult love, it is childlike.
 

[lovenature]

Sure, all depends on their current emotion of the moment and the reality they create to fit it.