Looking for insight and opinions about non-diagnosed brother-in-law please

[Eagle44]

Hi everyone,

I found this site almost a year ago and find your comments very insightful.  This site has been very helpful in assisting my wife and I in working with her 19-year-old brother.  I am seeking your insight, recommendations, and opinions after years of hurt in forging a relationship with him.  The story is quite lengthy, but please stay with me.

First, her brother has never been diagnosed with BPD or any other mental health disorder.  I have learned that without a diagnosis, the situation is much worse.  While I fully understand that it can be quite dangerous informally diagnosing a close one without a professional, BPD is the closest thing we can find to match his symptoms.  In fact, he matches them perfectly.

Here's the story:

I met my wife many years ago when her little brother was just 11 years old.  He grew up on a farm, and being homeschooled, had very little social interaction through high school.  My wife's younger sister struggled with depression for many years and we feel like this might have something to do with her brother's behavior.

Thought the years, her brother and I formed a very close relationship.  As a positive adult role model, her brother turned to me for advice and support.  During his mid and late teenage years, I chalked up some of his concerning comments about constantly feeling alone and never understanding where he belongs in life to typical teenage behavior.  However, after a few short years, it turns out that he turned to me for everything.  I agonized for hours on the phone with him trying to keep him from his newest idea.  Even at this age, he was extremely impulsive.  But, what teenager isn't?  So I ignored his behavior and ideas for the most part.  From the ages of 11-17 I must have spent 100 hours talking to a crying kid about how he feels alone.

I am in the Army and deployed when he was 18 years old, around the same time he moved away for his first year in college.  This is when clear BPD symptoms surfaced for the first time.  He called my wife crying his eyes out when I left about how he missed me.  While this situation might be stressful, 18 year old guys don't normally act this way.  This event began what would be about a three month long emotional breakdown complete with impulses and erratic behavior.  While I would like to outline all the details, I don't think I have enough time.  But, it involves these things:

-extremely hurtful language directed to myself and my wife, blaming us for all his problems
-movement to quitting college and enlisting in the army
-an unplanned and dangerous trip to Europe
-"going dark" from the family, including my wife and I
-lies
-damaging relationships with girls
-deep thoughts of death; talked about having the feeling he was going to die young; says he has had this feeling his whole life
-his own parents were uninvolved and uninterested in helping the situation

This all culminated with me telling him that his behavior was too much to handle.  We stopped talking to him about a year ago because we couldn't take it anymore and it was effecting us and our kids.  In the meantime, he left the school he was at to join the military academy and has been there since the fall.

Since it's been a year, us not talking is causing stress for the rest of the family.  So I recently emailed him essentially saying that we could meet to discuss what happened.  I haven't heard back from him yet, but I'm nervous about what this is going to look like when my wife, he and I do meet up to discuss last years' events.  He appears to be very high functioning: he has excellent grades, is VERY interpersonal and makes friends very easily, and is doing just fine at the military academy, which is very hard to do.  I suppose this makes the situation even worse.  On the surface, where's the problem, right?

Here are some other notes:

-he is COMPLETELY okay not ever talking to the people closest to him
-he is VERY cocky and concerned with his image
-like I said, he's high functioning
-it's very difficult to communicate with him - walking on egg shells
-my wife talked to him on the phone yesterday and he talked about how much he missed me (flattering, I know, but I'm not falling for it).
-while my wife was talking to him, he still spoke of having a very short life and is going to die young

Anyway, I am curious to know what your thoughts are on the matter.  To get the conversation started, here are some questions:

1. How do you think being "locked up" at the military academy will effect him?  It's a highly structured environment, however, it will not allow for his impulsive behavior (although he's already taken many trips in just one semester)
2. How do you think I should address last year?
3. What are your thoughts about addressing BPD with someone who hasn't been diagnosed?
4. Should I try to get him to counseling?  Or just learn to deal with it?

Thanks for reading all this and I look forward to hearing from you.     

[Janneke]

How would you feel about detailing your concerns, why you and your wife cut off contact with him, etc. in a letter that you would send him BEFORE the three of you meet?

That would give him some time to process stuff.

It also seems important to meet in a semi-public place, I would think. Another option would be to tell him you'll meet only in a family therapy context (meaning you see if a counselor/therapist can mediate for one session).

That's my brainstorming.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Eagle44:
I'm sorry about the problems with your BIL.  Hopefully, my answers to your questions will be helpful.  You can't change someone else, only the way you interact and react to them.  I don't mean to overwhelm you with information, but the links within the answers to your questions will all be helpful.  You will find that the way you communicate with your BIL, can make a difference in how he reacts.

Be careful to not get in a drama triangle.  One of the links below will take you to some information that can coach you to only use a healthy triangle.

1. How do you think being "locked up" at the military academy will effect him?  It's a highly structured environment, however, it will not allow for his impulsive behavior (although he's already taken many trips in just one semester)

Time will tell.  If He bucks authority, or has a problem working as a team, he will likely be discharged.  Generally with people with BPD, it isn't a matter of if they will dysregulate, but more a matter of when.  Stress generally brings on bad behavior.

2. How do you think I should address last year?   

Some advice I received regarding my undiagnosed BPD sister (uBPD), was to pick a couple of main issues (not everything, because they are too sensitive, don't want to overwhelm a person with BPD), and use "I" Statements.

 The format is:  I feel _________When you _________Because ______

The links below have some examples and practice opportunities.

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

3. What are your thoughts about addressing BPD with someone who hasn't been diagnosed?   

High functioning people with BPD aren't likely to admit to having BPD.  It generally doesn't go well when someone tries to confront them on it.  Best to focus on behaviors and use these skills:

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

VALIDATION

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

4. Should I try to get him to counseling?  Or just learn to deal with it?   

It can be tough to get a pwBPD into counseling, especially high functioning BPDs.  If you try to go through the military for counseling, it won't likely go well.   Is it possible to get private counseling, not connected with the military? 

Check out the lessons and practice how you might have a conversation with your BIL that isn't threatening or overwhelming.  Some people have the experience of a pwBPD  picking up with things, as if nothing ever happened.  Should that be the case, you might want to decide how deep of a conversation you want to have. Is it the right time to get deep into heavy discussions, or is it best to set boundaries and go heavy with communication skills.

[Eagle44]

Thank you everyone for your insight.  It seems that I have MUCH to learn.  Your responses have been very helpful.

[Eagle44]

Thank you for your insight.  I especially like your approach to how to communicate and the validation piece.  As I said before, he is undiagnosed and VERY high functioning, so this is a very difficult situation.  Really, the reason I'm so convinced that he is in fact suffering with BPD is because all of the techniques work very well with him (I read up on validating about a year ago and it works well with him).  It's just so very hard to apply these techniques day in and day out, constantly walking on egg shells.

You are exactly right about stress bringing on bad behavior.  This past Sunday my wife talked to him and they both had a very reasonable conversation, which ended with him agreeing to work with us to repair family relationships.  She sent him a VERY nice follow up message on Monday (it was on Facebook, so we could see that he read it), but he never replied.  I sent him a VERY nice message a day later, but again, he read it but didn't reply.  I thought that maybe I wasn't clear in asking for an acknowledgment of his desire to work to fix relationships, so I sent him another really nice message.  Again, he read it but never replied.  Turns out he has exams this week (we just learned this).  If I hadn't talked to my sister and close brother-in-law in over a year, then they both reached out to me, I would take the time to write a 3 minute response.  I think the stress of exams is causing this poor behavior. 

I have a few other questions that I was hoping you could help me with.  You had mentioned that usually it's a matter of when they dysregulate.  I tried looking that word up, but still don't know exactly what it means.  Can you elaborate here?  And does this still hold true with high functioning pwBPD?

Secondly, his other relationships seem to be just fine.  It's really my wife, me, and the rest of the family.  This makes us second guess our approach all the time - are WE the problem?  After a full assessment of the situation, we come to the same conclusion - no, it's not normal in the least bit to be behaving this way.  In any case, have you see this to be the case before?  That really, it's only a few strained relationships?

Again, I REALLY appreciate you taking the time to answer my original questions.  You have given my wife and I some new methods to try.  If you don't have time to answer these additional questions, that is just fine.  You have already done more than I expected.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Eagle44:  
I'm glad you found the previous information helpful.  

I read up on validating about a year ago and it works well with him).  It's just so very hard to apply these techniques day in and day out, constantly walking on egg shells.    

The link below might give you some more ideas regarding validation.  It discusses 6 levels of validation.  Minimally, don't do anything to invalidate (by words or expressions).  From there, you can use some lower level validation at times.  If you are face to face, first level validation of expressions could work in some situations.

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html

Sometimes, a BIFF Response (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) can prevent problems.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

 You had mentioned that usually it's a matter of when they dysregulate.  I tried looking that word up, but still don't know exactly what it means.  Can you elaborate here?  And does this still hold true with high functioning pwBPD?    

dys·reg·u·la·tion = Abnormality or impairment in the regulation of a metabolic, physiological, or psychological process.

People with BPD (both high and low functioning), hit points in time when they lose control of their emotions, and many go into rages.  One member has described it as if, "they throw up on you with words".  Generally, the events last a few hours or a few days.  
The research article at the link below indicates that the brains of people with BPD (pwBPD) tend to have a problem, in that "the brain steps on the gas yet does not as effectively brake emotion"
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/01/160113103314.htm

This past Sunday my wife talked to him and they both had a very reasonable conversation, which ended with him agreeing to work with us to repair family relationships.  She sent him a VERY nice follow up message on Monday (it was on Facebook, so we could see that he read it), but he never replied.  I sent him a VERY nice message a day later, but again, he read it but didn't reply.  I thought that maybe I wasn't clear in asking for an acknowledgment of his desire to work to fix relationships, so I sent him another really nice message.  Again, he read it but never replied.  Turns out he has exams this week (we just learned this).    

People with BPD, or BPD traits, tend to think in terms of "all or nothing", "black or white".  It's possible that since your BIL was stressed with exams, he just couldn't deal with answering you.  It seems logical that a normal person would just shoot back a quick reply, but he isn't thinking like a normal person.  He may have chosen to just ignore all social media while studying or he just couldn't deal with the specific issue with you and your wife, at that time.

A word of caution with social media.  It can be the root of a lot of fights and drama, when a BPD is in the mix.  :)on't ever argue or disagree (never worth the grief).  If you can't say something nice, just don't comment.  Facebook can set the stage for a bad drama triangle.

His other relationships seem to be just fine.  It's really my wife, me, and the rest of the family.    

It seems to be typical that most pwBPD save up their emotions, and dump them somewhere familiar, where they feel safe (usually with certain family members).  It is likely that your BIL "split you black", when he stopped contact with you and your wife.  Either just you, or both you and your wife.  They can split back and forth, from all good (split white), or all bad bad (split black).  :)on't be surprised, if things smooth over for a period of time, only to reverse course at some time in the future. The link below leads to information on splitting.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

[Eagle44]

My wife and I appreciate your insight. We were both practically in tears at some answers. Your answers to my questions are dead on. We both care deeply about my BIL, but this thing is SO HARD to work through. I seem to be the one he likes to "push and pull" with so knowing how I can better communicate with will surely help in the long run. Thanks again.

PS - TOTALLY agree with you about social media.