Support for adult children of mom's with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new to this online community but I have been fairly certain fir the past 4 years that my mom has BPD.  Her raging outbursts are never physical, but she lashes out so horrendously verbally, spewing insults, attacking my character and doing everything in her power to build walls against me and refuse to trust that I have goid intentions where she is concerned.  I am turning 40 this year and am just strugg lung with the idea that, despitell how happy I am with my own life, husband, and children, I will always be able to be emotionally hurt by her. She uses the fact that I care against me.  It is both infuriating and fepressing.  I feel having a mom with BPD lends a particular need for support.  I am at a crossroad in my relationship with my mom now, as I am finally accepting any role I have played in all of it (avoidance, kissing her a $$ to diffuse anger, etc, and am desperate to move forward without closing doors.  Would so much appreciate insight from other adult children of mom's with BPD

[Daughterofbpd]

I am new to this online community but I have been fairly certain fir the past 4 years that my mom has BPD.  Her raging outbursts are never physical, but she lashes out so horrendously verbally, spewing insults, attacking my character and doing everything in her power to build walls against me and refuse to trust that I have goid intentions where she is concerned.  I am turning 40 this year and am just strugg lung with the idea that, despitell how happy I am with my own life, husband, and children, I will always be able to be emotionally hurt by her. She uses the fact that I care against me.  It is both infuriating and fepressing.  I feel having a mom with BPD lends a particular need for support.  I am at a crossroad in my relationship with my mom now, as I am finally accepting any role I have played in all of it (avoidance, kissing her a $$ to diffuse anger, etc, and am desperate to move forward without closing doors.  Would so much appreciate insight from other adult children of mom's with BPD

[Kwamina]

Hi DaughterofBPD

I can relate to your struggles, I too have an undiagnosed BPD mother and have also found it very difficult dealing with her.

You are now accepting the role you might have played in the dynamics between the two of you which by itself is a very important step forward. Whether our  BPD family-members change or not, is ultimately up to them, but what we can change is our own behavior and how we respond to them. By changing our own part in all of this, we will change the dynamics of the relationship with our BPD family-members, even if they themselves don't fundamentally change.

To help you examine your own role, I encourage you to take a look at the so-called Karpman Drama Triangle:

The drama triangle was originally conceived (1968-1972) by Karpman as a way of graphically displaying the complex interaction that occurs between people embroiled in pathological conflict.
... .
Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. The drama obscures the real issues. Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.

Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of drama.

In your interactions with your mother, do you perhaps often feel like you are playing the role of or are being cast as the persecutor, rescuer and/or victim?

You can read more here: Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

To help you communicate with your mother, it can be very helpful to explore the structured commonication techniques described on this site such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N... You have been fairly certain your mom has BPD for the past 4 years so you might already know some of these techniques. Were you already familiar with them? Here are some links:

Validation

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

What I like about these structured communication techniques is that they help minimzie the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to our BPD family-member. Following these communication patterns can also help us stay more calm ourselves.

Having a parent with BPD definitely isn't easy and I am glad to see you reaching out here for advice and support. Many of our members have a BPD parent too and know how very hard this can be.

Welcome to  bpdfamily

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