Post Divorce Recycling

[rosesarered777]

In a separate thread of mine, someone warned me that my separated wife will likely recycle me before the divorce is finalized. However, she has been official with a new guy since early November and probably dating for weeks before then. I know this is a horrible time of the year to start a relationship with someone who is still so fragile and technically still married.*

I haven't seen many posts talking about ex-wives recycling very often here. Some people mention that they hear from an ex-wife after a year, but that was the only time I recall seeing it. I recall hearing that ex-husbands usually refuse to communicate or involve themselves.

Are you more likely to hear back from a BPD post-marriage than if they were a casual boyfriend/girlfriend or less?

* In my opinion -- holidays bring on tremendous pressure from relatives in her case and family with the pending divorce from her on all of their minds at the very least. Her family is extremely judgmental and clustered -- some members won't talk or associate with others, problems within the family is kept in shadows and shared only with some, etc. It sounds terrible to me and very counter-productive.

[ForeverDad]

You'll get a variety of responses.  In my case, a was permanently blacklisted with stalking, harassment and child abuse allegations.  Needless to say, not only unsubstantiated but also unfounded.  She was trying to make me look worse than her to all the agencies.

Your case may be different.  I recall my lawyer warning me.  Didn't happen as it turned out.

My lawyer warned me to avoid a trap a prior client had fallen for.  His client was divorcing his wife and the reports had come out well for him, his wife's behaviors were that concerning, he was going to have custody of his children, all that was needed was for him to sign.  One last signature. That's all.  No response to his letter to come in and sign, so he called (probably his secretary) and guess who answered?  The wife.  Yes, they were back together again.   The husband dropped the divorce.  (Yes, he was being recycled.)  Six months passed.  Then the husband came in wanting a divorce yet again, his wife really hadn't changed after all.  This time around his wife knew which behaviors the court and evaluators scrutinized and which she should avoid during the custody evaluation (or it might have been the court's cheaper parenting investigation) and the second time around the reports recommended the children stay with her.  You see, the second report had little or nothing to do with the first one, dropping the first case and starting over in court had triggered a Full Reset.

My lawyer wanted me to avoid a similar mistake.  He told me that even if she came and danced on my lawn naked, I should think with my big head and not my little one.

[rosesarered777]

She is trying to claim I'm harassing her when I was attempting to reconcile. Big difference. Even the police said they knew what I was trying to do but she doesn't want any contact. So obviously I'm split black for the foreseeable future.

I know she must have rented a new place so financially, she must be struggling. It will get worse once my lawyer asks for her share of our finishing lease. It kind of scares me to think she could be desperate enough to marry this new guy for his money, if they last any amount of time.

She was demanding things that did not belong to her. I cannot wait to move away and get distance but bet she will return eventually.

[ForeverDad]

Unless and until she gets into meaningful therapy and diligently applies it in her life long term, then you can't expect to ever have a healthy relationship with her.  Can you accept that?  That includes not trying to reconcile, well, unless she has evidenced substantive recovery.

Be forewarned, the old saying, ":)istance makes the heart grow fonder" may apply.  Distance often does reduce the emotions and poor behaviors.  So if she does later seek you out, don't be fooled into thinking she's better when it's mostly just the result of time and distance.

[rosesarered777]

That's what I misinterpreted before -- it had been 3-4 months since I had last seen her a few times and thought she genuinely missed me. I know I missed having her around but she seemed to only half-paint me white... She wanted my company there but there was no genuine affection when we got serious again. She claimed it was no strings attached, which she never did before with me and never did since.

Due to her raging, I have not seen her in 149 days. I cannot reach-out because she got some sort of protection order after almost handicapping me in public.

Now it seems like she misses the lack of responsibilities, and is now facing the reality of living alone with (unshared) full costs, etc. She keeps on putting profile pictures of herself as her Facebook profile when she was 19-23 before she lived in my hometown. She was in moderately good shape back then but has chosen to self-medicate for years and is now at least overweight, if not heading towards obesity. It is very sad but probably because she can never resolve anything. Her solution is TV, pizza and loads of alcohol (wine).

I know she is dating someone new but to me, it seems like the worst time to start a relationship when you are a) at the beginning of a divorce that hasn't gone anywhere b) when you are close to bankrupt/broke and have your bills piling up.

Really, it isn't my problem anymore but part of me still wants the best for her, despite her crappy behaviour.

[ForeverDad]

she got some sort of protection order

You were served it, right?  Then you should know its terms and consequences.  Did you try to clear your name in court?  I had my then-stbEx file a stalking/harassment case against me.  It was scary while it lasted but at least the terms were that I wasn't "found guilty" of anything, in effect we just agreed to stay apart.  That way there was no lasting legal or employment impact.

A protection or restraining order is serious business.  Don't ever risk breaking the terms.

Has she tried to reach out to you?  Understand that if she does, continuing a conversation with her could be called a violation.  She would have to go and cancel the order before you could let her continue.

Some people with a PO/RO over their heads  - or worried about a history of an order impacting their future employment, etc - have made sure to not trigger their Ex in case the Ex may be inclined to drop the order, however unlikely that may be.  I mention this because you trying to force her to pay her portion of the lease may ensure she doesn't ask the court to drop the order.  It's your call how you proceed.  She may claim she had to leave you and so could not stay to share the lease.  I don't know if you could win seeking half the lease value if she's got a protection order against you.

[Turkish]

The PO is serious business.  Don't violate it in any way.  We've had members here end up in jail for doing so. 

[rosesarered777]

I wasn't particularly happy with the officer. He called me at work asking for me to call him back. So I excused myself since it was quiet and phoned him.

I told him I hadn't seen or spoken to her, but he told me that she cannot talk to me and I cannot talk to her.  I haven't been given any paperwork which strikes me as strange. That was in August and apparently it is still in effect. I was told that if it happened again, we would both be arrested and go to jail... Have not been given any documentation and nothing suggests a court date will be in order as it sounded like a warning.

What kind of order would that be? A restraining order would involve paperwork...

I have consulted my lawyer about being reimbursed for her sudden abandonment of the lease. She is gone until the start of January which has nicely slowed down any proceedings with her lawyer about the divorce she filed.

[kentavr3]

Unfortunately, very late for me your useful information appeared here. In 2014 exbpfw initiated PO against me and my Mom. We both were kicked off the house. On the first pre-hearing she obtained a temporary PO for my daughter also for the next 2 weeks of the main hearing. Commissioner even didn't let my attorney to open a mouth. On the main hearing female judge denied PO against me and my mother. Next day after, exBPDw wife signed divorce papers. She postponed delivering those papers  to me. I wrongly thought on that moment that she wanted save a family. With my big wish and happiness I was involved in the second circle of the relationship. The second circle was more brutal. One year ago , I was discarded. I found that she had a man all this time. in 2014 , since she filed protection order in May until December 2014, we den't sleep with each other and I rented apartment ( more than 6 months). I thought that we worked on our relationship. After she left in 2015, I cleaned up papers and found a file with her handwriting that she made during the time when we didn't live together, but "working on our relationship" ( we attended family therapy sessions). These handwriting said that she needed to change locks at the house and found witnesses that our daughter afraid of me. So, she never ever wanted to go back to me. She just needed time. Now I understand why. If I would file a divorce right after failed PO, she could loose a custody of our daughter. Now after the second circle, it was a new story.
Now, whoever read this! Do not make my mistakes. If your former partner did PO against you, there is no way back. If PO against you denied, use it against them right away! Do not make my mistakes! You will be discarded anyway, but custody of your kinds is the main!

[ForeverDad]

If you haven't been served then very likely there is no order.  However, don't assume so, find out one way or the other.  It shouldn't be that hard to determine.

Perhaps she just made a complaint and the police decided an unofficial verbal warning (heads up) would be enough.  It may be that the officer wanted you two to conclude it best to avoid each other and that if there was another incident then they'd just haul you two in (or just you since men are often defaulted to being the aggressor despite the evidence or lack thereof).

I will never know for sure but I believe I narrowly avoided being carted away when I was told to hand over son to his mother and "step away".  My sobbing preschooler was in my arms and not hers, son refused to go to his mother and so the stymied officers just left.  If you resume contact with her outside approved channels you may not be so lucky.

[rosesarered777]

If you haven't been served then very likely there is no order.  However, don't assume so, find out one way or the other.  It shouldn't be that hard to determine.

Perhaps she just made a complaint and the police decided an unofficial verbal warning (heads up) would be enough.  It may be that the officer wanted you two to conclude it best to avoid each other and that if there was another incident then they'd just haul you two in (or just you since men are often defaulted to being the aggressor despite the evidence or lack thereof).

I will never know for sure but I believe I narrowly avoided being carted away when I was told to hand over son to his mother and "step away".  My sobbing preschooler was in my arms and not hers, son refused to go to his mother and so the stymied officers just left.  If you resume contact with her outside approved channels you may not be so lucky.

I have read for Protective Orders they don't have to give any paperwork but I am not going to push it. I am almost gone from here so trying my best to knuckle-down and remain focused on getting out of potential harm's way.

[rosesarered777]

Since she is dating someone new many, many months before our divorce is completed (they became official in November, divorce isn't possible until July at the earliest), I am curious to know why you guys think she will recycle me instead of finishing divorce proceedings?

Much thanks in advance!

[bestintentions]

Since she is dating someone new many, many months before our divorce is completed (they became official in November, divorce isn't possible until July at the earliest), I am curious to know why you guys think she will recycle me instead of finishing divorce proceedings?

Much thanks in advance!

Why?  Because of fear of abandonment of an attachment.  The bigger question is do you want it to happen and what will you do about it if it does?

bi

[kentavr3]

exBPDw started dating long time before she left. I needed to file a divorce. all stories are the same. +-.

[rosesarered777]

exBPDw started dating long time before she left. I needed to file a divorce. all stories are the same. +-.

Well, I am moving back to my hometown so she would have to visit me once the restraining order gets lifted... whenever that is.

[rosesarered777]

Why?  Because of fear of abandonment of an attachment.  The bigger question is do you want it to happen and what will you do about it if it does?

bi

Found out today that I have been given a Warning for a Harassment charge. Apparently they never charged her back in August with anything either so that explains how she was able to sneak back into the house and grab her stuff without any repercussions! I really dislike their idea that it's okay for her to return without a police escort as long as I am not there... .

So I feel like it's end-game. I don't want to be charged in the future so I am moving out and seeing what other women are out there. It really sucks that the police are being used by her like this.

[ForeverDad]

Accepting the reality, letting go and moving on.  Not what you wanted out of life but that's the way it is.  What with the police involvement and ambiguous protection and harassment complaints, good that thus far nothing seems to be officially negative going onto your permanent legal history.

Remember, don't expect closure from a person disordered with acting-out behaviors.  Best to exit her life completely and never seek her out.  Distance both emotional and physical is a protection.  Gift yourself whatever closure you need.