The ups and downs

[yeahtomyself]

Hello. My name is John and I believe that my wife of 20 years has BPD. I too suffer from mental illness and have traits of BiPolar2 and NPD although I have never been really diagnosed. I have made many mistakes in our relationship. I've abused alcohol and lied and hid things from her. I feel a tremendous amount of shame about what I have done and have been trying to better my life. I quit drinking and lying - abeit it has only been a short time - and am trying to clean up the many messes I have made in my life.
My wife is a wonderful, smart, caring, creative, and loving woman. We have two daughters together. For years I have been subjected to emotional outbursts and extreme anger from her and it has gotten steadily worse. I feel that she cannot let go of things that have happened in the past and brings them up again and again in anger. When she does its in the form of yelling, name calling, and blaming. Even though I feel that I have apologized to her many times for these things she often ends arguments with "and you will never apologize for these things." I also feel that many of these incidents have been blown way out of proportion or even skewed into a different reality. I have read about tactics for dealing with people with BPD but have difficulty implementing them. I'm so depressed and feel helpless to change things.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Yeahtomyself:   

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. 

I've abused alcohol and lied and hid things from her. I feel a tremendous amount of shame about what I have done and have been trying to better my life. I quit drinking and lying - abeit it has only been a short time - and am trying to clean up the many messes I have made in my life.

I'm glad that you quit drinking and that you are working on yourself.  Hang in there.  It isn't easy and sometimes the road isn't in a straight line.  Do you have support to help you?  (AA, friend, etc.)

I have read about tactics for dealing with people with BPD but have difficulty implementing them. I'm so depressed and feel helpless to change things.

What tactics have you tried?  It takes some practice. I don't think most people have instant success.

Some of the lessons below can be helpful:

BLAME

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

You might find the first two links most helpful for you right now.  Give it a try.  I will take some practice.  You have some of your own challenges to face, but you can do this.  Let us know how it goes.