Storm hit just like i thought

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I did well too. Didn't get angry, or scream or yell. Didn't say anything ugly.

She spent most of the evening on her phone looking into all the details about a murder that happened locally. I finally got up and went to bed. She gets on the bed and basically fusses and complains about stuff for like an hour. I got tired and layed down.

So then she starts asking me questions about my brother in law, who has stage 4 colon cancer. She asks me all these details, which I don't know, and don't ask about either. So I finally said in a nice way, why do you keep asking me these questions? I don't like it, it makes me mad. I don't ask them all these questions because I don't care, all I care about is how is he doing.

Her response, you know I am all about the details. So I said, I am not, so if you need details, then you probably need to talk to my sister.

So its on now. She keeps fussing. I just roll over. After about 30 minutes of her baiting me, and me not taking the bait, she asks me, do you want me to go home? I said, if you are going to keep fussing, then yes I want you to go home.

So then I got to hear about how we need to settle arguments. I said I am not mad. I am not fussing I just want to go to sleep. This is about something that is not worth arguing about and I am not going to argue about it.

So she gets up, gets dressed, and then fusses more. I finally asked her if she was leaving. She finally left. I went and layed down in my sons room. She came in there and gave me the "really?" comment, and said you can go sleep in your bed. I said not with the lights on and you fussing.

Of course I suck because I asked her last night if she wanted me to leave her house and she said no it was late and cold. So now its all me. I was the one who was out of sorts yesterday. And still am today.

So of course now she is being punished. Because I don't want to sit here and argue with her about the merits of me finding out all the menusha about my BIL's cancer treatment. But she has all sorts of ways to justify her actions, and me trying to show her she is wrong, well that's just not effective.

Funny thing, i got a message from a guy who knows we are seeing each other tonight. Said I had been on his mind alot lately and wondered if we were still seeing each other. I just said I appreciated him thinking about me, and that we were struggling and appreciated his confindentiality

The thing with her is like the parable in the bible, about the person with a plank(LOG) in their eye complaining about the speck in their brothers eye. She has the log. But she can't see it. Only my speck.

So anyway. I did much better. No engaging. Said the boundary, didn't take the bait. And she is gone. And I am not unhappy about it.

[Lockjaw]

I did well too. Didn't get angry, or scream or yell. Didn't say anything ugly.

She spent most of the evening on her phone looking into all the details about a murder that happened locally. I finally got up and went to bed. She gets on the bed and basically fusses and complains about stuff for like an hour. I got tired and layed down.

So then she starts asking me questions about my brother in law, who has stage 4 colon cancer. She asks me all these details, which I don't know, and don't ask about either. So I finally said in a nice way, why do you keep asking me these questions? I don't like it, it makes me mad. I don't ask them all these questions because I don't care, all I care about is how is he doing.

Her response, you know I am all about the details. So I said, I am not, so if you need details, then you probably need to talk to my sister.

So its on now. She keeps fussing. I just roll over. After about 30 minutes of her baiting me, and me not taking the bait, she asks me, do you want me to go home? I said, if you are going to keep fussing, then yes I want you to go home.

So then I got to hear about how we need to settle arguments. I said I am not mad. I am not fussing I just want to go to sleep. This is about something that is not worth arguing about and I am not going to argue about it.

So she gets up, gets dressed, and then fusses more. I finally asked her if she was leaving. She finally left. I went and layed down in my sons room. She came in there and gave me the "really?" comment, and said you can go sleep in your bed. I said not with the lights on and you fussing.

Of course I suck because I asked her last night if she wanted me to leave her house and she said no it was late and cold. So now its all me. I was the one who was out of sorts yesterday. And still am today.

So of course now she is being punished. Because I don't want to sit here and argue with her about the merits of me finding out all the menusha about my BIL's cancer treatment. But she has all sorts of ways to justify her actions, and me trying to show her she is wrong, well that's just not effective.

Funny thing, i got a message from a guy who knows we are seeing each other tonight. Said I had been on his mind alot lately and wondered if we were still seeing each other. I just said I appreciated him thinking about me, and that we were struggling and appreciated his confindentiality

The thing with her is like the parable in the bible, about the person with a plank(LOG) in their eye complaining about the speck in their brothers eye. She has the log. But she can't see it. Only my speck.

So anyway. I did much better. No engaging. Said the boundary, didn't take the bait. And she is gone. And I am not unhappy about it.

[Hisaccount]

You did great not arguing or taking the bait but I am a little worried that it might come back to bite you as her feelings are unresolved.

I know what it is like to sit and stare at the ceiling for hours listen to the other go on and on about stuff.
That is the only way to keep it from festering farther.

Not sure how you two get along but often that late at night if I could grab my wife and hold her she would calm down and fall asleep quickly or at least the topic would change.
Might be a better form of validation.

[isilme]

I've noticed for years H seems to ramp up in energy just before bed.  He becomes super talkative at times, and for some subjects that's totally fine, I can listen and then clearly send the "I'm going to sleep now message as I turn off my light and roll over.  I make sure to tell him good night, and if possible, put my hand on his shoulder, and usually, it works where he puts on headphones, stops talking, and lets me try to fall asleep.  But if he's hit a topic that triggers him, like his previous job, or some of his family, he can go for hours and hours.  I try to head it off as best as I can.  Getting him to acknowledge I need more sleep as it hurts me badly these days to not sleep seems to have helped.  I think, since I hate to compare it this way but it seems so apt, BPD makes a grown person a lot like a toddler.  Just like a toddler can't manage disappointment of blame well, a toddler also gets hyper when they are the most tired and in need of sleep.  BPD I think keeps the brain spiraling around, ramps up emotions and maybe even adrenaline, making the pwBPD need to talk, discuss, get attention, and just make you feel as sleepless as they do.  Essentially - whatever they feel - you MUST feel too. 

I have sleep maintenance insomnia.  I can usually fall asleep just fine, but then wake up at least once an hour or every little sound in the house.  I grew up hyper vigilant with my insane parents I think, and so I guess my brain just wired itself that way.  On a good night, if I can simply make note it's the neighbor's dogs barking, or the town train that woke me, I can fall back asleep and be okay.  Some nights, it can take 15 minutes every hour to fall back into any semblance of sleep.

H has "can't-fall-asleep" insomnia.  He is more likely to sit there for hours trying to doze off, only to start himself wide awake just as he was going to sleep, rinse, repeat.  Sometimes he can nod off, sometimes he's up for hours. 

I got a sleep tracking fitbit (and a Leaf after it died) so I could SHOW him my sleep efficiency.  Like, sure, I went to bed for 8 hours, but I only managed to be asleep for 4... .so yeah, I'm still tired, need a nap, or something in the room needs to change.  After about 2-3 years of showing him my pathetic amounts of sleep in a nice chart (in 2013-2014, I averaged 3-4 hours most weeknights.  We do not have kids - there is no reason I should not be sleeping unless something in the room is waking me that much, or preventing me from getting to bed in the first place, like endless talking), he seems to finally accept that maybe he needs to help me get to bed, and maybe be quieter.  I managed to get him to ditch the bedroom TV, which for years had me trying in vain to use headphones and eye masks to drown out the light and sound that kept waking me.  It would be on all night. 

I know for us establishing a sleep routine may have helped a little.  We both shower at night - doesn't matter too much who goes first, I clear away kitchen, check locks, make sure pets are not in danger from anything we left out, shower, do girly hair and face stuff, get to bed, try to read, roll over.  H does his thing, gets into bed, and turns on his iPad to watch videos/netflix till he hits himself in the face with it, and then if he can, goes to sleep.  I don't like to talk before bed that much.  It revs up the brain to have to listen, ingest, and form a response.  But night time/bed time dysregulations seems to be pretty common, and I still ahve to chalk it up to a sleepy but fussy toddler who really just needs a nap.

[Lockjaw]

I have sporadic sleep issues. They usually resolve in a few days because I will just fall asleep early and sleep for about 12 hours. I can get by fine on 6, but any less, and it will end up with me crashing after a few days. I am going to go deer hunting tomorrow, so I am sure I will catch up on my sleep in a tree stand.

Well she called me this am. Did what I said I didn't want to do, which is hash out an argument while I am at work. I called my dad on the way in and got the whole Xmas thing scheduled, and I told her some of that before she interrupted and says "I hope you have a nice time with your family".

I said, so you aren't coming? She says, I wasn't invited.  I said, really, so the whole conversation about all of this has been "WE", and you need an official invite? So after 18 months we have to play games and do a formal invite? I don't get it.

So then she changes topic what do you want me to do with these cards for your sons, take them to your house? I said no, just mail them. Well then she goes nuclear, and says, they have cash in them I am not mailing them. I was like, then do whatever you want with them. I don't want to argue and carry on about all this.

So then she starts in about me seeing her, her son and her parents on Xmas. So I said, why am I just now hearing about this? We have been talking about my kids and my parents and everything for 2 weeks or more. Well she was waiting for me to tell her what my plans were. I said, why didn't you say we need to sit down and figure this out? She says, why didn't you say something? Why weren't you concerned about my family? I said, you told me they aren't fussy about it date wise, and I have the crazy holiday visitation schedule. I said I won't see my kids but for about 2 hours over 3 weeks, but that is fine as long as they are happy. That's what is most important. I told her I even discussed with my dad about getting the kids back a day early so they could spend some time with her son. Well then how does she know if she will have him she says? This is her second Xmas with me, she knows what my visitation is. She hates it. One of the changes I made this year was one she said. But that isn't good enough.

So I said I need a break from all this. I need some time to just think and process. I said I am tired of being a people pleaser. I said all I have done in this whole process is try to make everyone happy to my detriment, and I have not been successful, so I guess I just need to be selfish and just do what I want and not worry about what anyone else wants, because I can't make everyone happy.

So then I had something blow up at work and I said, I have a crisis here I need to take care of, so I need to go. She just keeps right on talking (arguing). So I just was like "I HAVE TO GO, I AM AT WORK AND I HAVE A COMMITMENT TO MY EMPLOYER AND I NEED TO HONOR IT!"

So i am an A hole again. And this is my life. I seem to spend it trying to make everyone else happy. And it never works out. You can take her out of the picture, and its still my life. If I didn't have kids, I could let Xmas just pass on by.

[Lockjaw]

Oh and I tried to snuggle up next to her before this whole mess started, but she didn't seem interested in that. She didn't touch me all night. I touched her, she never touched me at all.

[Hisaccount]

She says, I wasn't invited. 

WOW I had to comment, I went through this all the time. Married for 10 years, help raised my son (her step son) for 13 years.

She wasn't going to the wedding because she did not get an invitation. Oh the drama.
Her parents didn't show for the same reason.
Didn't matter that I explained over and over that they are on a budget and since we are family we are already expected to be there.
Didn't matter at all.

Then stuck on the phone at work, yep been there. One time I was driving and witness a very horrific accident. I told her I need to call 911. She would not get off the phone, I had to hang up on her to call 911.

[Notwendy]

I think what you said here says a lot:

So I said I need a break from all this. I need some time to just think and process. I said I am tired of being a people pleaser. I said all I have done in this whole process is try to make everyone happy to my detriment, and I have not been successful, so I guess I just need to be selfish and just do what I want and not worry about what anyone else wants, because I can't make everyone happy.

So then I had something blow up at work and I said, I have a crisis here I need to take care of, so I need to go. She just keeps right on talking (arguing). So I just was like "I HAVE TO GO, I AM AT WORK AND I HAVE A COMMITMENT TO MY EMPLOYER AND I NEED TO HONOR IT!"

That's a boundary.  But what is so great is that you made this about you- not her. I need a break, I have to honor my job.

I think you should print this out and post it on the mirror. Really. It isn't blaming, talking about the relationship. It's yourself speaking. She may not like it, but the audience is you. You are speaking to you.

So she thinks you are an A-H***. Well guess what? People don't like being told no to what they want. She can think what she wants. Your part is that, just because she said it- doesn't make it true. Think about what you would think if someone said this to you-

"I need a break from the conflict" "I have a commitment to my job".

Is this the definition of an A-***? No, it sounds like a person who is tired, someone who is committed to their job.

Take care of yourself.

[Lockjaw]

Thank you both for commenting, it means a lot to me. More than you know. I am going deer hunting tomorrow. I just am. I need a break. I need time in the woods, close to nature and God. She will be hurt that I am not spending time with her, and will not see it as anything but me getting back at her.

I am trying very hard not to say "you" statements to her. It doesn't work. She doesn't hear. She just defends, justify's and turns it around and makes it my fault.

I am also leary of saying "I" to much, since I tend to think that comes across self centered.

Here is a funny one too. We got in an argument a few weeks ago about getting my sister a squirrel ornament. It's a long story, but suffice to say, it was her idea, I jumped on it and ordered one for my sis as a joke. She was mad because I didn't include her. So I cancelled the order. What does she do yesterday? Buys a squirrel ornament for my sister. She had to make an "executive decision" she said.

[Lockjaw]

Then stuck on the phone at work, yep been there. One time I was driving and witness a very horrific accident. I told her I need to call 911. She would not get off the phone, I had to hang up on her to call 911.

And I bet you got in trouble for hanging up on her too!

[Hisaccount]

And I bet you got in trouble for hanging up on her too!

Oh you know it.

[Lockjaw]

Well it got better. She sent me message last night that she is done, she needed to come by and get her stuff. I sent her one back, ok, come get it, your Xmas stuff for you and your son is wrapped and by the front door.

So then it goes to how she bought stuff for my boys but needed to ask me questions, and couldn't call me, because I was at work.

This is how it works. A call to ask me a couple questions is off limits. She can't separate arguing from just asking questions.

So then she starts sending me pictures. Are we throwing this away, all this, over being stubborn. As in, hey you stubborn A hole, you are throwing this away.

So I asked her, what did do right yesterday? She of course didn't answer that question. Then I asked her to tell me one nice thing she said about any person while she was with me yesterday. No answer. I asked her to answer my questions. She comes back with she was a B. I said, I want a humble answer to my questions,please.

After hemming and hawwing around, I asked her this. I said, is a person who cannot humble themself and answer simple questions or admit they did something wrong a suitable role model for my children? I said I am accountable for how they are raised, I am judged on that, so this is a big deal.

She comes back and says she has some good qualities and bad qualities. So I asked her, if my children refused to admit fault, or humbly admit it when they are, would that be acceptable?

No answer. I get, you are just stubborn.

Oh i sent her an email yesterday and told her I had 2 rules i wanted us to agree to.

1. If one of us can/can't do something, neither can the other.
2. Hashing out arguments while working is off limits.

But hey... .

[storagecold]

There's just something about this time of year, isn't it?

It's good that you are able to sense when the "storm" is coming. It took me the better part of a decade to figure that out, and stop taking things so personally.

There is no winning of battles -- you have to focus on the war. I have spent many years working to slowly change her behavior through positive reinforcement -- e.g., 1. "You cannot call me and rage at me while I'm at work. If you text me one of your rages (thank you, technology), I will ignore it. We will discuss face-to-face when I get home."

My problem, like yours, is I get baited far too easily. uBPDw LOOKS for ways to bait me. Whatever genius said the secret of a happy marriage is to never to go to bed mad never spent time with a BPD spouse. I go to bed mad almost every night, but I have learned to do that in order to let the anger and confusion fade overnight.

Being with a BPD is like a game of Whack-A-Mole -- as soon as you address and diffuse one issue, another pops up. Or, like you expressed earlier, a nonchalant conversation (like your discussion about your sick relative) can set off an argument.

[Lockjaw]

Mine is a master "baiter" !

So more of today. She sent me message saying she was doing Xmas with her family tomorrow. That's it.

So i sent one back that said Ok I guess we aren't seeing each other, please respect me enough to tell your mom the reason I am not there. Because she will ask.

That got me a what?

So I said, no invite for me, so we aren't doing anything together and you didn't accept my invite either.

So that leads to a phone call.

I did pin her down and make her admit that if one of us has a problem with something, in this case, being on their phone looking at stuff and ignoring the other, then they to should respect the person they fuss at about it, and not do the same thing.  She tried to say she doesn't do it that much, and I said, don't you think its just a matter of respect? If you fuss at me for doing it, shouldn't I get enough respect from you that you don't do it to me.

She finally agreed with that. HEY I WON!

She tried to say, if you were upset about it, you should have said something and given me chance to change the behavior. I said I wasn't mad about you doing it, what makes me mad about it is its ok for you to do it, but not ok for me.