INTRODUCTION: Mom is likely uBPD -- boy the holidays are fun

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been lurking here for a while and absorbing the wisdom herein. With a day off work, I thought I'd take the time to post an introduction.

I'm 51, female, married, no children.  My mom is 77, divorced from my father since 1980 and widowed from the loss of my stepfather since 2002.  She has always been emotionally fragile, and has described herself in the past as being manic-depressive.  I don't know if there has ever been an official diagnosis, but my reading tends to indicate BPD is much more likely.  When reading here about the common traits and behaviors of those with BPD, it all just clicked.  It feels good to be able to put a (probable) dx with the situation.  Given some caustic communications around Christmas this year, it helped me very much when I found the item below as an example in an older thread discussing projection:

* I do not like another person. But I have a value that says I should like everyone. So I project onto them that they do not like me. This allows me to avoid them and also to handle my own feelings of dislike.

This summed up in a few short sentences where I believe my mom is with me at present. If it's truly as simple as her not liking me, I can live with that.  Thank you all for the insight.

[risingtide]

I've been lurking here for a while and absorbing the wisdom herein. With a day off work, I thought I'd take the time to post an introduction.

I'm 51, female, married, no children.  My mom is 77, divorced from my father since 1980 and widowed from the loss of my stepfather since 2002.  She has always been emotionally fragile, and has described herself in the past as being manic-depressive.  I don't know if there has ever been an official diagnosis, but my reading tends to indicate BPD is much more likely.  When reading here about the common traits and behaviors of those with BPD, it all just clicked.  It feels good to be able to put a (probable) dx with the situation.  Given some caustic communications around Christmas this year, it helped me very much when I found the item below as an example in an older thread discussing projection:

* I do not like another person. But I have a value that says I should like everyone. So I project onto them that they do not like me. This allows me to avoid them and also to handle my own feelings of dislike.

This summed up in a few short sentences where I believe my mom is with me at present. If it's truly as simple as her not liking me, I can live with that.  Thank you all for the insight.

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, risingtide! Thanks for your post.

That's a neat insight you've had about your relationship with your mother and projection. I like how succinct it is and am glad it's helpful for you.

I've experienced a lot of projection from my mother, too. Sometimes it runs the other way, in that it's not that she doesn't like me, but that she doesn't like herself and needs someone to absorb that. Holidays were always high-stress for her... .much more difficult than usual for her to maintain a regulated emotional state. That's pretty common with BPD. How are you handling things with your mom right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[risingtide]

Thanks, P.F.

There was a blow-up this summer over, of all things, a shelf she had bought and wanted assembled.  My husband scraped his leg pretty badly when it sort of fell apart as he was assembling it and I asked her if she didn't just want us to take it back, and see about getting something custom built in the space-- something with drawers, useful storage, etc.  She apparently was very hurt by this, seeing it as me attacking her for buying something "cheap and tacky" (I will cop to saying "well, this is what you get for $115", so I'm not innocent).  Lots of scathing emails, including one with a big "Thank you!" for freeing her from having to deal with my terrible criticism and anger, etc.  I gave her her space all summer/fall and never heard from her.  She's prone to magical thinking ("If only I had this new condo/new car/move to Texas/new cat/new dog/new whatever everything will be perfect" and it seemed my absence was the latest "new thing" that would bring her happiness.  I really do just want her to be happy, so I stayed away.

I reached out for Thanksgiving/her birthday and invited her to eat out with us (husband and me).  She (as it seems many BP do) acted as though nothing had ever happened and spent the time talking about herself, plans for a trip she wanted to take to pamper herself ("and I'll need you to go, too, because of the flight changes and getting me around", etc.)  Anyway, no conversation after T-giving.  I sent her an email on Christmas that I would be dropping off her gift. She sent me an email later on Christmas:

"Thank you---it's beautiful. Certainly doesn't look cheap or tacky. I didn't buy anything for anybody, so you weren't overlooked. Today is like every other day, and every day hereafter. I'm in very sad shape and there's no where to run. Sorry, I hadn't meant to complain, but there is no joy."

OK.  That's typical of what she sends when she's not in a mood.  Then today, apparently, she's in a mood:

"This is probably the 10th time I have attempted to send a note to you. Perhaps I will finally send one.

I simply don't know what to say. Any type of explaining I do about why I think we are at this point will anger you. All I can say is that I'm sorry you got stuck with me for a mother. I did the best I knew how, but ended up with feeling I need to stay out of your life because everything about me offends you in some way. I aggravate the Hell out of both you and [my husband], and in most cases I have no idea why. I mean, how could I know that what I buy for my house will set you off? I was raised poor and had to "make do" most of my life. How could I foresee that at this point in my life I'd be called to task for being cheap and tacky. What does it matter to you? You have your own home where you can put all the expensive things you want---why do I have to do the same? Nobody even comes here to judge my tastes. I just want things I'm comfortable with, but you cannot help yourself---always pointing out what is not right about this and that, criticizing what I purchase or create, what I say, my opinions, everything. You're just better off without me, and I'm better off without the stress of fearing your displeasure and anger.

This is not how I pictured my last years. Someday I'll tell you the fantasy I had about the move to [the city we used to live in] and having to deal with what was reality. Somehow I believed you'd become softer and more caring as time went on. I was wrong.

So, that's about it. I hope you are happy with your life, and I'll plan to give you the peace of not having to deal with me and my problems. I'm sure you're livid by now, but PLEASE don't tell me about it---I'm headed back to bed. Naps help."

(sigh)

I responded in a non-emotional way and again suggested she and I should look at getting a counselor to help us out with our communication.  I'm not optimistic.

I'm sad that I don't have a "normal" relationship with my mom, and I'm sad that I'm the chosen one for the lashing out (my younger brother doesn't get the same treatment).  But I no longer get upset, really.  Just sad and disappointed.  I think that's where many of us probably are in these situations.

Thanks for listening.

[MoreGuilt]

Hello RisingTide,

I can relate to many of the things you mentioned with your mom.  Just wanted to pop in and let you know you are not alone.  My mother is also 77 and has been described to me by my dad as being emotionally fragile. I agree.  Your quote sums up my mother's view perfectly.  Victim complex. 

Thank you.

[P.F.Change]

Hey, risingtide,

Your mother's messages to you show us some clear examples of classic BPD behaviors. I see the dramatic shift in her mood. I feel sad for your mother in the way I feel sad for mine; to me it is heartbreaking when someone has such a low self-worth that any comment can be taken as a personal attack, and they can't see it any other way. Your mother's fixation on the words "cheap and tacky" is the kind of behavior I see in my mother often, too. For example, I made a comment once as a young teenager while looking at an old photo of our family about all the eyeshadow people wore in the 80s, and it she took it as if I called her personally a clown prostitute. At the time it felt very confusing, but now I understand she interprets events through her own lens, and hears the words she expects to hear (whether or not they were ever actually spoken). It's good that you have emotional detachment so you are not upset by her disordered behavior. I agree that we're probably all sad about the toll BPD takes on relationships, and we've all wished we could have a more "normal" relationship with our family members who have the disorder.

Are there any ways you compensate for the lack of that relationship? Any self-care or positive relationships that have helped you?