Can a relationship with someone with BPD be salvaged?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have read a lot on mood disorders over the past few months after having found myself in a relationship with someone that has all of the traits of the disorder (but never diagnosed). I suspect there is also more at play in his head (but I am not a psychologist). After being idealised, I am now demonised and he has blocked off all form of communication with me - no matter how hard I try I cannot get through to him (and we've been here before a few times). This time it seems he doesn't want to relent and the silent 'punishment' (?) continues. And I keep wondering whether it is worth trying, can a relationship with someone with BPD be salvaged? And can it ever flourish or will it always be about tip-toeing around egg-shells (never mind walking on top of them!)?

His behaviour was unusual to me from the beginning. He is a a low functioning individual with a lot of talent and also a high regard for himself. He placed the blame for his inability to progress squarely on other people or circumstances beyond his own control. I suppose the low functioning part doesn't really bother me, because he has a high level of intelligence and the good parts of the relationship were very good. But from the beginning he would anger easily; I saw this as a character flaw rather than anything to do with his mental health. But one day near the beginning of the relationship he completely lost it and I could see him trying to regain his head but he could not. When he loses his composure, he paces frantically and has such outburst that can be so frightening. The outbursts seem to come out of nowhere - and yet I am to blame as "I don't know how to communicate with him". Once relaxed, he might apologise or not.

Another aspect of his character is the constant demand for things. If I bring a muffin, I should have bought 4, if I buy 4, I should have bought 8, etc. Demands also included money (he would sometimes proclaim this as a form of punishment for disrespecting him, or payment for being with him, or in his good phase, simply as way of helping him out).  I wondered if this is a big part of the disorder and what other people's experience are? The demands however are linked to low moods, and I learnt to ignore him when he reached that level and the demand would go away.

After having said all of the above, I feel a huge sense of sadness over the end of the relationship. I want to talk to him but he has cut off after one of his angry outbursts. There is nothing I can do and I am trying to rationalise things in a way so as to say this is for the best. I don't really feel like I have a question for others to respond, but just that it is so hard at this stage to get my head in order after this relationship and to make sense of things. Thanks for reading!    

[K.G.]

I have read a lot on mood disorders over the past few months after having found myself in a relationship with someone that has all of the traits of the disorder (but never diagnosed). I suspect there is also more at play in his head (but I am not a psychologist). After being idealised, I am now demonised and he has blocked off all form of communication with me - no matter how hard I try I cannot get through to him (and we've been here before a few times). This time it seems he doesn't want to relent and the silent 'punishment' (?) continues. And I keep wondering whether it is worth trying, can a relationship with someone with BPD be salvaged? And can it ever flourish or will it always be about tip-toeing around egg-shells (never mind walking on top of them!)?

His behaviour was unusual to me from the beginning. He is a a low functioning individual with a lot of talent and also a high regard for himself. He placed the blame for his inability to progress squarely on other people or circumstances beyond his own control. I suppose the low functioning part doesn't really bother me, because he has a high level of intelligence and the good parts of the relationship were very good. But from the beginning he would anger easily; I saw this as a character flaw rather than anything to do with his mental health. But one day near the beginning of the relationship he completely lost it and I could see him trying to regain his head but he could not. When he loses his composure, he paces frantically and has such outburst that can be so frightening. The outbursts seem to come out of nowhere - and yet I am to blame as "I don't know how to communicate with him". Once relaxed, he might apologise or not.

Another aspect of his character is the constant demand for things. If I bring a muffin, I should have bought 4, if I buy 4, I should have bought 8, etc. Demands also included money (he would sometimes proclaim this as a form of punishment for disrespecting him, or payment for being with him, or in his good phase, simply as way of helping him out).  I wondered if this is a big part of the disorder and what other people's experience are? The demands however are linked to low moods, and I learnt to ignore him when he reached that level and the demand would go away.

After having said all of the above, I feel a huge sense of sadness over the end of the relationship. I want to talk to him but he has cut off after one of his angry outbursts. There is nothing I can do and I am trying to rationalise things in a way so as to say this is for the best. I don't really feel like I have a question for others to respond, but just that it is so hard at this stage to get my head in order after this relationship and to make sense of things. Thanks for reading!    

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi K.G.-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you've found yourself in that place and ended up here, a relationship with someone who exhibits traits of a personality disorder can be very hurtful and confusing, although not unique here, we've been there and we understand.

And I keep wondering whether it is worth trying, can a relationship with someone with BPD be salvaged?

Yes, just like any relationship, as long as both partners are willing to commit to it.  So it depends on what the goal is.  You mention he's not speaking to you now after an angry outburst, but that kind of thing may not be final with a borderline, as you mention, his demands are linked to his low moods, and in a larger sense, feelings are facts to borderlines, so once the feelings change, the facts, and goals, might too. 

I don't want to give you false hope, and again it goes back to what's the goal for you?  You're on the Detaching board, which means the relationship is over and you're here to learn how to go through the grieving and processing, as we all heal together, although there are also Saving, Conflicted and Improving boards, all helpful resources depending where you are and what you've decided.  No need to decide yet, but just something to think about; a big part of being in or detaching from a relationship with a borderline is taking our power back, deciding what we want, whether we're going to get our needs met by our partner, and what we're going to do about that.  I encourage you to read a lot, post as much as you need to, and take good care as we navigate these relationships together.  For starters, lots of members have gotten value from this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
Take care of you!

[bus boy]

Hi, sorry to hear of your r/s troubles. All of us on here have been through the sorrow of dealing with and trying to save our abusive unstable r/s's. If you love your partner and he or she is willing to put the effort in to making the r/s work than it is worth it. What could nicer than blossoming with the person you love. I don't want to be negative but these boards are full of good people who poured there soul into something that would never work. Xw left me 9 years ago, I dedicated my self to her, to try and prove I am a good man, when she found a new source to exploit I was kicked to the curb. 9 years gone and pain I can't even begin to explain. Now I know about this disorder and I am working on detaching and getting my life back in order. I don't blame xw for everything I played a part in all of this as well. Today I feel much better, I learned through my T and these boards how to grow, detach, love myself, I had to go through the pain. Love your self and think hard how much more of your life you want to give to something with little to no benefit to you or the r/s.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi there!
  This is going to seem horribly blunt. Please take it as written.

Why in the world would you want to salvage a relationship with someone who:

1) isn't grateful or receptive to your kindness (you bringing him a muffin and he wants 4).

2) cuts you out coldly and refuses to hear you or listen to how YOU feel (yes. Your feelings DO matter!)

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It's done as a means to control the other person by keeping you craving a response from them.  

There is a huge difference between No Contact and Silent Treatment. No Contact is self preservation, silent treatment is used as a weapon by individuals unable to communicate normally, those who don't want to hear your side.

People who do this are emotional tertorists.

You mention he's done this before. I can guarantee he will keep doing it because... .well it works. He knows he can come back when he wants and you will be there waiting.

Is this what you want for yourself?

I've been there. I went through three recycles and 13 breakups in a four year period. I became addicted to the push pull drama. That's really what this is: a toxic dance. Drama to the max.

People told me I was nuts for staying or going back... .and I was. It took me two years NC (mainly because I was finally ghosted for another) to get my head on straight. They will use you until your very last drop of compassion is gone and you feel like the Walking Dead.

You really need to focus on you.  This isn't about your ex. We know how he is and what he does, as he's done it again and again. This is about finding out why you want to keep jumping back in the fire.

I am not perfect. This took me years to figure out. I lost friends and almost my job over this. I have had co workers connected to my ex try to get me fired.

I almost killed myself at one point. And for what? This damaged person who will never be the person I "created" in my mind during the idealization phase. That was a facade.

The reality is all this crap and how they treat us. We want yo get back to the good times and that never happens... .they were mirroring us in that stage.

Please take the time to explore why this person is worth all the pain you are putting yourself through. Read these boards. You will be hard pressed to find any BPD relationship being successful in the long run. What you will find is a lot of broken and bruised people slowly pulling their lives back together after a cruel discard.

I wish you much luck in your journey. You deserve the best and I truly hope you see that someday.  

[bus boy]

Good stuff pretty woman. You nailed it.

[GlennT]

Freud was under the impression Cluster B Type BPD people could not change. Modern psychology believes otherwise. The short answer is they are bad! They are very bad! They are bad because they are "suffering" from this disorder. They are going to be "bad" people for the rest of their lives. It's just how their brains developed from early childhood through young adulthood. This is who they are and nothing is going to cure that. They are not someone you should want in your life in any capacity BEFORE they have spent years doing intense therapy. YOU CANNOT BE THEIR THERAPIST AND SUCCEED! But... .with a qualified BPD therapist, with a lot of patience, and with a lot of money, this disorder can be controlled by them. FACT: There is really no miracle cure, but with a long-term willingness on their part to want to change their personality, to be able to think clearly, make better decisions, learn empathy, behave positively, long-term, in a group setting, then this disorder can be controlled. But as many people with a psychopathology have proven in the past, this is no magic bullet that they will become permanently cured. My best wishes for your integrity, perseverance, compassion, and humanity. Be proud of yourself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Youl will be person of steel after this. 

[cosmonaut]

The end of these relationships are usually incredibly sad, with more than enough heartbreak to go around.  I was simply shattered when my ex left me, and I think I can understand something of what you are experiencing.  I'm sorry that you are now also dealing with such a painful and confusing breakup.  My own breakup was, by far, the worst experience of my life.  Maybe you feel similarly.  If so, know that you are not alone.

I am highly pessimistic about the chances that a relationship involving BPD can succeed in anything resembling a loving, healthy relationship.  It does seem that some couples can remain together, but only in a very different sort of relationship.  A very one sided relationship.  A caretaker relationship.  A relationship where one partner's emotional needs always come first.  Whether we want to commit to remaining in such a relationship is an inherently personal decision.  But these are relationships that will never be easy, will often be hard, and there is always the possibility that our partner will pull the plug anyway, no matter how hard we try.

It's a difficult task to realize that our partner is mentally ill, and that they are experiencing the relationship in a radically different way than we are.  We are not reading from the same book as they are, let alone the same page.  Until we can understand this, we can't understand our partner's behaviors.  Learning about the disorder will give you increasing context as to why your bf does the things he does, but even more importantly it will allow you to begin to depersonalize these behaviors.  That is a very important process, because most of us are overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and inadequacy about the failure of the relationship.  We often believe that if we had only done this or hadn't done that then the outcome would have been different.  Chances are, however, that this isn't the case.  The disorder isn't rational and it can't be loved away.  It was destined to sabotage the relationship from the start.

The very best advice at this point is to begin to focus on yourself.  You are enduring an extremely painful experience.  Be sure to take good care of yourself.  Try to get enough to eat, get some sleep and some exercise, and seek out the support of your friends and family.  And, of course, everyone here is also here for you.

[kentavr3]

I'm pessimistic about it. First of all, ask this question to yourself. Why do you need to stay in the neurotic relationship that brings you pain only? Just for short positive moments? Then you are codependent. You can't change them. I don't thrust therapy for them. Otto Kenberg in his book describes problems with devaluation of  the therapy by BPD/NPD patients. Take care of yourself. I see only one way to stay with relationship with them - recreate their abusive childhood. But, you can't do it.

[K.G.]

I want to thank everyone for their insightful replies. I have been trying to look for rationality in this break up and certainly that is not the best approach. It is the first hurdle of the recovery process to recognise there is no sense in trying to make sense of things. It certainly has been an eye-opener being in such a relationship and in the future I shall learn not to ignore my gut instincts. Thank you all for sharing your personal stories - it is so helpful.