Am I The Only One Who Went Crazy During The Breakup/Replacement Process?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So we had a terrible roller coaster of a 2 year rs. Lots of bad fighting. For the first 6-8 mos I would respond fairly calmy and basically ask her to be respectful most of the time. She pressured me often to get a ring and move forward but would also threaten to breakup during fights probably about once a week. Our typical fight pattern was that she would say something rude or disrespectful and I would try to get her to own or acknowledge her behavior or apologize. This was fruitless and ended up in many escalating text wars where she could say the nastiest things imaginable to me but I would say she was being rude, disrespectful, shallow, selfish, judgemental, etc. and she would start crying. Her family would see her crying on multiple occasions and then she would also badmouth me to them and I became the abusive Villain and her the faultless princess.

Anyway we were off and on all summer and she was basically lying to me and her family. Giving the  impression to them that we weren't together and to me obviously that we were. We broke up a total of 3 times in about 6 weeks and I know she still wanted to be with me in the end but she had demonized me so much to her family that she felt stuck and she is a complete coward and would never take a stand for us under any circumstances.

So we were broken up but texting and remaining in contact and agreeing not to see anyone else when out of the blue she texts that we are going to figure this out and make it work and be together forever and she would always be there for me, etc. After a few days of this the messages got colder and more distant and within a week after spending the night together and her telling me to "shut up" for no good reason she says we are done forever but she wouldn't be with anyone anytime soon because no one would ever compare to me. She must have said this at least 30 times this summer-that there wouldn't be another anytime soon. I was terribly addicted and the day she broke it off I texted hundreds of times and she was extremely callous even though she knew I was having a breakdown. Within a week or so I find out she already has my replacement and I went crazy, got drunk twice and sent flurries of angry and mean emails to her. She had her adult kids respond to tell me to leave her alone and the second time they said they would be contacting the police if I tried contacting her again.

It has been about 3 mos since all this happened and I cannot forgive myself for getting drunk and lashing out like I did. I am ashamed and after the second time I was so depressed that I slept for about 50 hours straight and missed two days of work. I still can't believe how she coldly cut me out of her life after all the love bombing and soul mate comments.

So my question is this: I cannot contact her to apologize as she may call the police or get her kids involved. I would like to do something actionable to show my remorse but can't. So how do I forgive myself for this? I am ashamed and feel like a terrible person for this part.

Thanks!

[Duped 1]

So we had a terrible roller coaster of a 2 year rs. Lots of bad fighting. For the first 6-8 mos I would respond fairly calmy and basically ask her to be respectful most of the time. She pressured me often to get a ring and move forward but would also threaten to breakup during fights probably about once a week. Our typical fight pattern was that she would say something rude or disrespectful and I would try to get her to own or acknowledge her behavior or apologize. This was fruitless and ended up in many escalating text wars where she could say the nastiest things imaginable to me but I would say she was being rude, disrespectful, shallow, selfish, judgemental, etc. and she would start crying. Her family would see her crying on multiple occasions and then she would also badmouth me to them and I became the abusive Villain and her the faultless princess.

Anyway we were off and on all summer and she was basically lying to me and her family. Giving the  impression to them that we weren't together and to me obviously that we were. We broke up a total of 3 times in about 6 weeks and I know she still wanted to be with me in the end but she had demonized me so much to her family that she felt stuck and she is a complete coward and would never take a stand for us under any circumstances.

So we were broken up but texting and remaining in contact and agreeing not to see anyone else when out of the blue she texts that we are going to figure this out and make it work and be together forever and she would always be there for me, etc. After a few days of this the messages got colder and more distant and within a week after spending the night together and her telling me to "shut up" for no good reason she says we are done forever but she wouldn't be with anyone anytime soon because no one would ever compare to me. She must have said this at least 30 times this summer-that there wouldn't be another anytime soon. I was terribly addicted and the day she broke it off I texted hundreds of times and she was extremely callous even though she knew I was having a breakdown. Within a week or so I find out she already has my replacement and I went crazy, got drunk twice and sent flurries of angry and mean emails to her. She had her adult kids respond to tell me to leave her alone and the second time they said they would be contacting the police if I tried contacting her again.

It has been about 3 mos since all this happened and I cannot forgive myself for getting drunk and lashing out like I did. I am ashamed and after the second time I was so depressed that I slept for about 50 hours straight and missed two days of work. I still can't believe how she coldly cut me out of her life after all the love bombing and soul mate comments.

So my question is this: I cannot contact her to apologize as she may call the police or get her kids involved. I would like to do something actionable to show my remorse but can't. So how do I forgive myself for this? I am ashamed and feel like a terrible person for this part.

Thanks!

[Rayban]

Duped

Easy answer ... .remain no contact and work on you. I know the feeling of becoming the person they accused us being.

If anything you should proov to yourself that you're not that person.  You were grieving and made an error in judgement.  Forgive yourself. As you regain self esteem you'll come to see this as a blessing.  Trust me I know how difficultit the detachment process is, but you have to move forward knowing this is what's best for the both of you.

[SoMadSoSad]

Think of it like this: There are two ways that the situation could've gone. Either you expressed yourself to her the way you did and later regret it. But at the same time you said what you needed to say to her and got it all off your chest. Or you couldve been nice to her and later have it eat you alive inside and be filled with rage and anger at her and be mad that you were not able to express it when you had the chance. No need to feel bad, its not like you hurt her or ruined your chances with her. You were dealing with strong emotions and needed to vent to her how badly she hurt you. I think some pwBPD are known to push buttons and will keep pushing until they get a reaction. Most of us have been in your shoes with fighting fire with fire. Dont be too hard on yourself

[Duped 1]

Thanks for the responses. Somadsosad-

I think I did hurt her or she wouldn't have gotten the kids involved and I think there was a slight chance for a future recycle before she got the kids involved as well.

[vortex of confusion]

Working on yourself is the only way to go!

I have been down the crazy path and done things that I regret. Some of the stuff that I did was my attempt to prove that I wasn't crazy and in the process all I did was act crazy. Talk about a conundrum!

I still screw up from time to time. I am coming out of an 18 year relationship with 4 kids. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination especially when you feel like you are trying to communicate with somebody that is incapable of communicating in a productive manner.

Focus on you! If you find that your behavior was unacceptable, then figure out a way to change it. You can't undo the past no matter how much it hurts.

[SoMadSoSad]

Thanks for the responses. Somadsosad-

I think I did hurt her or she wouldn't have gotten the kids involved and I think there was a slight chance for a future recycle before she got the kids involved as well.

If you think about it she is fighting off an intense pain thats probably been with her since childhood. Couple that with the fact that she most likely has very intense coping skills. You lashing out at her might have hurt her, but not in the way you would be hurt if you were in her shoes.

[ynwa]

Hey duped,

Sorry to see you go through this.  Try to not be so hard on yourself.  Putting it simply, this is not so simple. I've posted a link below, with some reading you will see that a lot of this really isn't your fault, including how you were reacting.

If you need to communicate to her, perhaps post it here first. Let the board read it, and offer some insights. 


  https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

[ShadowA]

I Know how you feel bud.

I was trying to be friends with mine, and she detached from me.
Under the lines of me wanting more, despite the fact that in retrospect I can't find one single thing on that.

Anyways, Due to the scenario... .Many people think that I drove her away to where she needed space.
With me being emotional to what was going on, They tried to reel me back in with being friends with her after I told my side.

Supposedly it was all a misunderstanding, of some sort... Caught myself lying to myself and thinking perhaps it was... But in reality it was not, because she brought her new boyfriend that I didn't know much about into the picture and he basically became my replacement in everything we use to do.

So ultimately I ended up declining. As she disrespected me, and I deserved some self-respect to myself to not just fall into the mess. Even said that she did this to me once before, and she distorted the truth.  But, the fact that I changed my mind so suddenly with hours of span... . 
More likely they believe her story... They'll probably cater to them both, while I myself left the group and detached.

Sadly, I feel forced to do so, even tho I willingly left.  Could have gotten what I wanted which was friends, but after being disrespected... seemed like I would be admitting my own defeat.

Guess what I'm saying is; When your the emotional one in the situation... The victim... It's easy to feel like you became what they accuse you of.  Since I'm being emotional, They probably assume i'm irrational and thus really did do what she said.

Just gotta roll with the punches.

[Pretty Woman]

 Duped,
    :)o you really want to recycle with her?

From experience I will tell you it only gets worse and the more you take their crap the less they think of you. And they will continue to use you.

Please work on you and never mind her life which is self-destructive.

You owe her 0 apologies. She has treated you badly with 0 remorse. A healthy loving relationship involves compromise, not leaving you for someone else on a whim.

Don't be a backup plan or she will continue to use you as one.

[Indifferent28]

Duped 1, no you are not alone.

I went through the exact same crazy feeling. I would panic and send multiple texts. She was out partying with new people and she was not the party type. She would ignore me, send cold texts or just tell me to stop texting.

She knew i was already depressed generally and she knew i was going crazy. I even said id go back to being dead to her, after many ignored texts. She just ignored that one too.

Funny thing was, we worked together. So she'd ignore all my texts and contact out of work but talk to me at work when it was convenient for her. It was all mind games.

so to your question yes. i felt nuts. Almost 2 years after the break up and nearly a year of no contact at all, i still feel crazy. I don't get the bad feelings of waiting for a text because i know it wont come. I do feel anxiety and kicks to myself if i occasionally screw up and view her profile and see photos of her and the replacement.

Sadly, you get to a point where you don't even remember dating this person because the drastic amount they change, makes you realize you dated a stranger. Thats even a bit more sad than the panic/crazy stage after the break up.

[Duped 1]

Duped,
    :)o you really want to recycle with her?

From experience I will tell you it only gets worse and the more you take their crap the less they think of you. And they will continue to use you.

Please work on you and never mind her life which is self-destructive.

You owe her 0 apologies. She has treated you badly with 0 remorse. A healthy loving relationship involves compromise, not leaving you for someone else on a whim.

Don't be a backup plan or she will continue to use you as one.

I don't want to recycle but I do want to hear from her at some point so I can apologize and just to realize I was important. She used to constantly tell me I was her everything and she is all about the man in her life and her #1 goal is to be married. She was in constant contact with me and it is still strange not to hear from her but she used to brag about her honestly and integrity and I'm sure doesn't want to hear about the poor way in which she discarded and lied to me and just jumped to the next one. She used to brag that she went no contact on her last boyfriend of 6 years (not sure if that's true and she was still talking to him when we met-I have no idea how he lasted 6 years-must have been a complete doormat) so I really don't think I will ever hear from her again as there is no way we could have a rs being how she demonized me to the kids and her family as her kids rule and they walk all over her I believe because she fears them abandoning her the most.

The town we live in isn't that big and I've seen her in traffic a few times which triggers me terribly. I pretend I don't see her LOL

[stimpy]

Duped 1, I hear you.

Your last post - about her bragging about  her honesty and integrity, but then bragging about her going No Contact with her last boyfriend, oh yes, that rings bells.

Mine said to me that she was "loyal" and a "people person" and "tenacious".

And then told me that she just "upped and left" her last boyfriend of 7 years without any warning, and bragged that her first husband hated her so much that he wouldn't even say her name.

Hmmm, so who is the real person? I don't know and I never will.

All that you said about challenging her when she said something hurtful or disrespectful, all of that was me too. We could have been dating the same person LOL. And just like you, as soon as I challenged her, the argument just escalated and escalated. Why? Well because she never acknowledged that my feelings mattered and that she WAS being hurtful. She would immediately turn it around and make the argument about her and that I was being hurtful to her, by challenging her not to be hurtful to me. It is an impossible situation, and one that when in the middle of it, is very hard to understand.

Like others have said, work on yourself, work on your boundaries, work on the type of people you want in your life. If someone is disrespectful to you and won't acknowledge it and apologise, then move on and find people who treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated.

[bus boy]

Hi Duped, I read your post, read the replys, there's not much more I can add. You got some pretty sound advice to your post from people who have been there done that. Your ex pressured you for a ring, mine pressured me to extract my family from my life. It seems they must focus on something to pressure us about. You will come out of this a better person.

[bus boy]

Hi again, I went very crazy. Living with xw was out of this world emotionally abusive crazy. I went into mental breakdown drunken stuper. Xw was a horrible person to be around, I was a zombie. I could not cope or function, I was full of anger and resentment, I held it all in thinking all I had to do was try harder and she would acknowledge my existence as a human being but that day never came, I just turned into a drunk. Xw treated me like a dog, it was no pic nic for her with me being drunk but the difference is it was trying to do something about our r/s, I was willing to look at me, begging her for help. Our son's first Xmas in begged xw to stay home, for us to spend xmas together as a family, I wasn't drinking for sometime, she looked at me and laughed at me " we are not a family" and left. I quit drinking 9 years ago, I was always a good hard working man, never raised my voice to xw always treated her good, showed her lots of love and affection. She left and for all those years I gave my self to her and a year 1/2 ago she discarded me for another man. One weekend we were together,  had sex and the next week she had another man. I went through pure hell. Those days are over, I have bad days but the craziness  is over for me, my life is much better with her gone. Our marriage was hell, I turned to liquor, I quit and gave my life again to xw only to be treated like a nothing again. My saviour was her finding a new man.

[Duped 1]

Thanks for all of the replies. Some very good info here. Still struggling to forgive myself for lashing out like I did. Did anyone else lash out like this when things fell apart at the end?

[Dutched]

So my question is this: I cannot contact her to apologize as she may call the police or get her kids involved. I would like to do something actionable to show my remorse but can't. So how do I forgive myself for this? I am ashamed and feel like a terrible person for this part.

Thanks!

Sorry for being a (little) blunt.

Starting with the last sentences you wrote.
That is you inner struggle speaking, for an action you are ashamed off.
Now for that part you admitted guilt. That means you have the self reflection to change yourself, to learn from mistakes. That is half the process already!

For showing her your remorse is entirely different of what the 2 of you went through.
That’s the reason you are here…  
I read the strong desire for contact (and I really understand that), the strong desire to make up, to be a kind of friends again, to be…

Reading your posts I see (and understand) your struggle, your many questions, how you keep wondering and wondering. And a big plus… also realising more and more how unhealthy the r/s  was.
 
You don’t want a recycle. You are expressing unbelief and anger (understandable!)
But you are searching for an excuse in order to establish contact, to… make it up, to excuse yourself, to be ‘accepted’ again.

Let me tell you this. Your efforts will be futile.
Why?

In the perception of pwBPD(traits) you are the persecutor.
You caused her pain, ultimate pain that forced her to act out of survival.
You activated her primary instinct and that is run! Away from that pain!
She was there before… she experienced it all… since her youngest years…
Desperately trying to be the good girl for her primary (unpredictable) caretaker… that caused her already so much pain!
Finally (again… for her) found the best ever happened to her… you.
Sadly (again… for her) the best failed her again, hurt her as she was hurt so many times before…
Now, the one that caused her so immense pain (you Duped) wants her to accept your remorse, apologize, care?

Being in such a position yourself, would you believe or even trust that one?
Would you? Considering how she processes emotions.
  
Duped, keep focussing on yourself,  keep posting for support.

[Duped 1]

Thanks Dutch. That makes sense. So you're basically saying regardless of how true my intentions are (which they are), there is no way she would accept my apology (even though she should be apologizing for all of the lying and lack of empathy at the end as well but I know she never would)? So she will always hate me and I will be painted black forever?

[Dutched]

Duped,
Please let go of what you think, you point of view.

It is about her, what she perceives, what she feels when confronted with you.

For her you are the one that caused her pain and made her doing what she did.
So, it doesn’t matter how sincere your intentions are.
You are compared with the bad primary caretaker, everything in you reminds her about that one.

With that in mind, try to understand and then accept the concept that the (emotional) actions of pwBPD are caused by an insecure attachment style.
It is an attachment disorder.
In front of you there was a beautiful woman you loved, within there was a very insecure person that, when emotionally triggered(!) acted like a 4 yr. old.

Still you say and expect,  ‘she should be apologizing for all…’  and ‘lack of empathy’.
Why?
Why, knowing what you know? ‘You are the cause of my pain, I had to do it’…

Your conclusion that she will always hate you and being painted black forever is of course not true.
She is a human too, like you.
Like you,  she is in deep pain
Don’t think she isn’t aware of all, she in deep shame.
But an emotional 4 yr old doesn’t have the capabilities to act as a grown up can.
 
Unlike you, her coping is to suppress that pain as her pain causes her so much more pain.
You, on the other hand, you feel your pain, need to talk about it, etc.

In the end, (most of) your pain will be gone and move forward again. Of course memories stay.
She, her pain won’t go away, but will be less intense. 
She will continue to suppress for life all her pain, ‘expressing’ it to all ‘the best ever happened to me’.
That is why ‘they’ pop up even years later again, as in a way ‘they’ hit rock bottom (again).
Reaching out again, testing the waters as a 4 yr. old would do…

(maybe… maybe… he sees me a the good girl again… I tried to be a good girl… )   
A 4 yr. old…


However don’t expect too much of it then…
If, keep it on arms length, for your sake, as you most likely have a good life then. 

[Duped 1]

Thanks Dutched. I certainly don't expect an apogy from her. If she were a normal person I certainly would but she almost never apologized for lots of horrible behavior over a 2 year period and when she did the apologies were extremely shallow.

So you don't feel they paint you black forever?

[Dutched]

Every person is different. In fact we just don’t know.

Given that, keep in mind it is a spectrum disorder.
For the simplicity of understanding: from low functioning (substance abuse, cutting, many partners, etc.) up to high functioning  (holding jobs, long term r/s, very appreciated in the community – think also of some celebrities).

Some analyses of members are that the ex fall back and back again, have had since multiple partners and or almost straight married.
Then initiate contact again, even when in a new r/s, as that r/s seems not that fulfilling too. 

Some analyses of members are that when the ex. shows more narcissistic traits (read more high functioning), contact would be out of the question.
Stories on this board speak of 3-6-12 months, others after a 6-8 yrs, and a few years back a member was contacted after a 25 yrs.
 

Their past predicts their future, might seem the most appropriate.

[michel71]

Duped. I feel your pain. So many of the responses here are saying "focus on yourself". I am told this all the time by my therapist and well-intentioned friends. Easier said than done. We just want to figure our BPDs out, to make sense of it all when it never made any sense. It does serve a purpose, shifting the focus on them instead of us. The purpose is that as painful as it is to look at their behavior towards us, if we focus on them, then we don't have to look at ourselves and deal with the grim reality of how and why we let this happen and put up with bad treatment for so long. But I know that is the "next step" for many of us.
The advice to stop focusing on them is sound. Most of us our co-dependent. Wondering and worrying what they are doing just keeps us enmeshed; after all, isn't that what we did during the entire relationship... .focus on them and not us?

It is time to shift the power balance. We need to take back the power to focus on ourselves and what WE NEED. IT is all about US now. Their wants and desires and needs are not in the forefront anymore.

Find your personal power Duped. That may involve telling yourself you are going to stop thinking about her and trying to figure HER out, even if its for certain hours of the day, like 6-8 pm, when it is all about you. I get your desire to ruminate. I do it too. Know that you have a choice.

[Duped 1]

Thanks Michel. You are absolutely right. She does have Narcissistic traits Dutch and bragged how she went NC on her boyfriend of 6 years so I highly doubt I will ever hear from her.

[lovenature]

It has been about 3 mos since all this happened and I cannot forgive myself for getting drunk and lashing out like I did. I am ashamed and after the second time I was so depressed that I slept for about 50 hours straight and missed two days of work. I still can't believe how she coldly cut me out of her life after all the love bombing and soul mate comments.

So my question is this: I cannot contact her to apologize as she may call the police or get her kids involved. I would like to do something actionable to show my remorse but can't. So how do I forgive myself for this? I am ashamed and feel like a terrible person for this part.

You forgive yourself by being realistic; think about the entire relationship, how did you both treat each other overall? How long did you accept her behaviour before pushing back? I also acted in ways I am not proud of when pushed to my limits and beyond, remember that our ex.'s have a serious mental illness and we are only human, doing the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time.

[Pretty Woman]

Apologizing to her will only set her off and reinforce you are the bad guy.

You have to understand... .they don't think or rationalize like we do. The only time you might get an apology is when she's lonely and doesn't have someone around to crap on. But they never take full responsibility for anything.

I know you want closure but don't expect it from her. You will have to give it to yourself.

Take the calling the cops threats seriously and let her be. I know it's hard but with time things do get better. You need to forgive yourself. Her opinion shouldn't matter. She's disordered. Her way of thinking is again, not "normal".

[talks to angels]

duped 1. I have to say the one thing that stood out to me is how you have a deep need to apologize. I too am like you and if I did or said something that I felt was too harsh I live with that guilt of how I should have handled it. Last contact with my ex I stood my ground and would not take any of his lies, and story twisting anymore. I tried to do it in a factual diplomatic way. Needless to say, he still managed to make me feel like I am crazy. one of his favorite lines is "I refuse to believe I am an awful boyfriend" Odd cuz the very beginning of the conversation he stated that he was an awful boyfriend. Go figure.  Its just a catch 22 with them, you stand up for your boundaries and they act like you have offended them, you dont they loose respect.
The one thing though it seems is a common thread is it is the Nons that are always doing the apologizing. Did you find that with yours?
He had (and obviously still since I am here getting help) me so confused, I actually apologized for getting upset with him because he had another girl sleeping in his bed with him! In his mind he said I never told him I wouldnt be ok with that so I needed to apologize. Not my proudest story to post outloud.

[vortex of confusion]

You forgive yourself by being realistic; think about the entire relationship, how did you both treat each other overall? How long did you accept her behaviour before pushing back? I also acted in ways I am not proud of when pushed to my limits and beyond, remember that our ex.'s have a serious mental illness and we are only human, doing the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time.

I don't think this can be emphasized enough!

I took a whole lot of crap for a whole lot of years before I started pushing back. When I finally had enough and started pushing back, I definitely acted a bit crazy. I still feel bad for some of the things that I said and did. I had to really look at the situation and see that I put up with a lot. I had dismissed so much stuff that I shouldn't have.

Over time, all of those little things add up and you end up doing things that leave you thinking, "What the heck? This is NOT who I am and this is NOT behavior that I find acceptable for myself or anyone else." At that point, it is time to exit the relationship and figure out how the heck to NOT do that ever again. Part of not doing it again is making sure that you aren't around people that push your buttons. If you have a need to apologize, write a letter. Write a post here. Talk to friends. Do anything other than talking to her!

There were times through out our 18 years together when I would push back and he would back down and be good for a while. Of course, I would feel guilty for pushing back and would apologize and assume responsibility because I had behaved in ways that I did't think were okay. He might apologize but it was shallow because he would go right back to doing the same stuff without making an effort to actually change. And then we would be right back on the roller coaster again.

[Duped 1]

Thanks for all of the replies. I'm still feeling guilty about getting drunk twice after the breakup and unloading on her with flurries of nasty emails and then her getting her kids involved. I wish it wouldn't have ended so destructively and I just feel awful about my part in that.

[Duped 1]

Talks To Angels-

Yes I did all of the apologizing. I even apologized for stuff that was her fault just to try to end some of the circular arguments!

[Confused#9999]

I apologized to her for reacting negatively that she didn't tell her exbf that she was with someone, now they are friends. Her excuse "it didn't come up"? Wtf, so of course I felt hurt and upset. Having lunch with someone, I'm pretty sure there was a question in there somewhere about what's new with you, or something similar that was asked.
So after she gave me her "rational" reason why, in a very creepy calm demeanor, I ended up apologizing for it. Now I'm like What the heck.
Mine is a WAIF, such a victim mentality and so meek and gentle,so of course you're gonna feel bad for her.

[talks to angels]

Duped 1, yep can relate. Sorry you went through that too. I have a long list of apologies I did just to end the circle arguments too. It is comforting to know that I wasnt the only one.

Confussed#9999 mine was 100% waif too. Always working the victim/pity. He liked me to rub his head to make him feel better. One night while I was rubbing his head I was thinking to myself that this was more like I was in a relationship with a dog, always trying to keep it from peeing on the carpet.

[vortex of confusion]

Confussed#9999 mine was 100% waif too. Always working the victim/pity. He liked me to rub his head to make him feel better. One night while I was rubbing his head I was thinking to myself that this was more like I was in a relationship with a dog, always trying to keep it from peeing on the carpet.

I laughed out loud when I read this because it is so similar to my experience. I used to have to rub ex's back to help him sleep.

One of our kids (clearly his favorite) pets him on the head and treats him like she treats the dog and cats. He absolutely loves it. As long as we baby him, he is happy. He is very much a waif/hermit/victim.

[Confused#9999]

Holy crap vortex and talks to angels. Mine had me massage her shoulders and neck every time we were together. Of course I didn't mind, but I thought it was strange that the neck pain was constant. She even went to get professional manages for it.

[Weary1402]

I am sorry that you're suffering. I understand. Just know being involved with a pwBPD makes us into people we aren't or weren't before. I don't even know the angry person I have become. Have grace for yourself. She has probable acted out in rage many times so eventually she will see your behavior on that one bad day as understandable. An apology is an open door. Keep the door closed and locked. You need time to recover.

[Pretty Woman]

You aren't crazy. Give yourself some credit.

These relationships are insane and you get sucked into the drama, almost addicted to the push pull. It's like Pavlov's dog. You know the story, he trained his dog to salivate by ringing a bell. The bell, told the dog he would get a reward, food. He became conditioned.

We became so used to our ex coming back that once we are finally replaced it's a game changer. We become depressed, despondent. We lose weight, we don't care about anything other than "hearing that bell ring" again. We crave it.

This is an addiction and why I am a advocate for NC. NC isn't to make them come back, it's to ween ourselves off them and work on ourselves. It's to break the co-dependency.

Two years ago I almost killed myself. My ex left me for another days before Christmas. Not only did she leave, she threatened an RO on me, changed her number, and right before that told me what a horrible person I was.

I lay in bed for two weeks staring at a ring I purchased. I hadn't showered, I hadn't shaved. I was barely existing. If it weren't for my cats I wouldn't have left my bed at all.

It was a very dark time for me. My work was suffering and I almost lost my job.

I almost lost my job, my life over someone with less potential than I have to be successful. I have all my shyt together in life, a great job, home and now relationship. It would have been a horrible loss had I killed myself. I have so much to offer and so much life to live yet.

And you do too!

But these relationships play with your head. I call it a "momentary lapse in my life". Don't beat yourself up over it. Grow from the experience.

YOU are not crazy. You became addicted to the crazy behaviors. A victim of proximity.

I applaud you sharing your story and working these things out through writing. Writing is very cathartic.

Know we all have your back here and are here to listen and help. You are a good person that got into a "situation". It happens to the best of us. The important thing is you are here now working it out!