Update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all-- here's my update!

It's been 7 months since my dBPDex and I broke up. We've had limited contact since then, with periods of NC. We've recently been in more contact since my mom just died . She was going to come to the memorial but ended up not being able to-- probably for the best for us all.

Anyway, I'm up and down about it. I miss her and still love her but mostly I think that we needed to break up and when I start to doubt myself on that, I think that at the very least it would have been bad for my kids to see me in a difficult relationship and even if there was just a 50/50 chance of it being difficult-- those odds are too bad. In actuality, the odds were much worse, because she said that BPD had wrecked every relationship she had ever been in.

She has been in a really steady relationship since we broke up though (they got together a couple of weeks after our break-up, and moved in together a couple of months later) so that has been tough to witness. I read here that lots of people are in that same boat though-- the seeing their ex seemingly maintain a successful relationship after theirs had gone through the idealization-devaluation-discard pattern. It is confusing.

[kc sunshine]

Hi all-- here's my update!

It's been 7 months since my dBPDex and I broke up. We've had limited contact since then, with periods of NC. We've recently been in more contact since my mom just died . She was going to come to the memorial but ended up not being able to-- probably for the best for us all.

Anyway, I'm up and down about it. I miss her and still love her but mostly I think that we needed to break up and when I start to doubt myself on that, I think that at the very least it would have been bad for my kids to see me in a difficult relationship and even if there was just a 50/50 chance of it being difficult-- those odds are too bad. In actuality, the odds were much worse, because she said that BPD had wrecked every relationship she had ever been in.

She has been in a really steady relationship since we broke up though (they got together a couple of weeks after our break-up, and moved in together a couple of months later) so that has been tough to witness. I read here that lots of people are in that same boat though-- the seeing their ex seemingly maintain a successful relationship after theirs had gone through the idealization-devaluation-discard pattern. It is confusing.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, same here - my ex has been with my replacement for about 2 1/2 years. However, we were together for 8 years. The first few years were good. The rest were hell.

A lot of my journey has been trying to look clearly at my role in the demise of the r/s. What I did wrong; what I could have done better.

I have a list, to be sure. But I also know that there was nothing I could have done to change the progression of the disorder in our r/s. Her new partner will have to deal with the fallout from the disorder as well. Nothing has magically "changed" for my ex. Yours either:

She said that BPD had wrecked every relationship she had ever been in.

Indeed.

Also: I sense a little negative self-talk here; be careful:

She has been in a really steady relationship since we broke up though (they got together a couple of weeks after our break-up, and moved in together a couple of months later) so that has been tough to witness. I read here that lots of people are in that same boat though-- the seeing their ex seemingly maintain a successful relationship after theirs had gone through the idealization-devaluation-discard pattern. It is confusing.

You're telling yourself a little story here; that their relationship is "really" steady; that she's "maintaining a successful r/s." The real underlying thought to this is, "Wow, she's in this solid r/s that seems to be successful; maybe I'm wrong about everything; maybe she really loves him and everything's great and I was a lot of the problem."

This is the truth: you have no idea about the state of their r/s. You're telling yourself that ^ little story and it's making you feel terrible, most likely. Why are you doing that to yourself?

Tell yourself a different story:

My ex has BPD - she knows it; she knows it wrecks all of her r/s's; yet she doesn't do anything to get help and jumps from r/s to r/s instead. That's sad. Nothing will ever change for her, and I'm glad I and my kids don't have to live with a difficult, unstable woman any longer. I loved her but I love myself and my kids even more. I'm going to continue to heal from this r/s and build a future that includes happiness for myself and my kids - and hopefully  loving, stable r/s with someone who really loves me!

[Hisaccount]

My ex is high functioning. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, I and the kids are the only ones who really knew her.

Your ex is the same. She hasn't changed. Her life is a disaster. She is not happy. She will drag down and destroy every relationship.
I know we want to see it happen faster than it does, but it does happen.
Focus on being happy you are not stuck in it any longer.

[Grey Kitty]

seeing their ex seemingly maintain a successful relationship after theirs had gone through the idealization-devaluation-discard pattern. It is confusing.

As jhkbuzz said, this is a story that isn't a healthy one to tell yourself. The appearance of success at a distance from the outside doesn't tell the whole story. 99% of people post their happy and successful and funny moments on facebook, leaving off most of the failures, disappointments,  depression, and just mundane boring progress through life. You know all about your own low points and compare them to other's high points to your detriment.

Here's another recommendation for your story as well:

You and your ex couldn't have a successful relationship with each other. It doesn't have to be "her fault". It doesn't have to be "your fault". You could be incompatible in a way that doesn't place blame on either party. What matters is that any way you slice it, you couldn't be with her in any way that could be good for you and your kids.

Accept that, and move on from there. Your heart will catch up with your head and believe that it is over and had to be. Give that part time.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

jkhbuzz is right-- this is exactly the story I am telling myself:

You're telling yourself a little story here; that their relationship is "really" steady; that she's "maintaining a successful r/s." The real underlying thought to this is, "Wow, she's in this solid r/s that seems to be successful; maybe I'm wrong about everything; maybe she really loves him and everything's great and I was a lot of the problem."

What makes that story compelling I guess is the combo of my own negative self-talk, her story of blaming me for the relationship's demise, and then this picture of her life after me. It adds up like a 1-2-3 punch.

But like you all said, what I can take out of the equation is my own negative self talk. It's still 2-1, but that is better than 3-0. xoxo

[jhkbuzz]

What makes that story compelling I guess is the combo of my own negative self-talk, her story of blaming me for the relationship's demise, and then this picture of her life after me. It adds up like a 1-2-3 punch.

I experienced EXACTLY this for quite some time - the 1-2-3 punch.

But like you all said, what I can take out of the equation is my own negative self talk. It's still 2-1, but that is better than 3-0. xoxo

The interesting thing is that when you take your negative self-talk out of the equation, the other two "punches" begin to lose their power.

At least, that's what happened for me. Perhaps it was because when I really started to look at why I was beating myself down, I took the focus off her and put it on myself - where it belonged.

When I did that, the state of her r/s mattered less and less to me - and at the same time, I began to realize that my so called "negative" traits (that she so relentlessly pointed out) were, in many cases, her own negative qualities projected onto me.