Loving Ourselves Despite the Pain

[Andrea2]

Dear Group,

These past 6 months have been particularly challenging.  I am a family oriented person and when things are good with my extended family, I feel bliss.  I love people and the company of my brother and his family.  My SIL has all of the borderline traits and until I found this website, I was lost at sea as to how to respond to her.

The most challenging action I've needed to take is to remove myself from wanting to appease her all of the time.  Once I had children, she become especially hostile and competitive.  I imagine she suffers a lot but I don't deserve her punishment.  I also can't do anything about her suffering because we all know that we can't force someone to take care of their emotional health if they aren't willing to do it despite having financial resources.  I know what punishment feels like---from hostile treatment, to isolation to silent treatment, to withdrawing my access to my brother and niece and nephew through a series of high level manipulative efforts.  I stuck it through for a decade because I didn't think I could live through the pain of very limited contact. I have an enormous amount of empathy and can put others first when it can hurt me.

I write all of this because in the beginning of 2017, I wish to look for gratitude in what this extraordinarily difficult relationship has taught me.  It's taught me not to give all of myself away and it's taught me to identify people who have a BD faster, which has helped me immensely in my professional life.  I've learned to value my friends and value time spent with positive people.  While there is an inner voice that sometimes creeps in and makes me feel overwhelmed with guilt, I've learned to breathe through it and tell myself that the grief of limited contact will come and go but the lasting feeling of peace for checking in with myself before I jump to agree to do anything is worth it.

I know there are many of us who suffer and sometimes in silence and great detriment to ourselves.  For now, I wish to express gratitude for this incredible resource that I've found in this online community.  When my heart starts to pound faster, I turn to the words on this list serve and reach out to trusting friends. 

I thank our members who've reached out to me in the past with sage advice.  I hope I can be there for others as well.

Many blessings to all in 2017.

Warmly,
Andrea2

[Mister Watson]

With having gone through such a strange and troublesome day, this made me smile.

It is quite comforting to know that I still have much to learn, and that I am beginning to find peace.

Thank you, for this! And may your new year be a great one!

[Andrea2]

Dear Mister Watson,

I am happy that my post made you smile.  I hope many other posts and experiences make you smile.  You see, I think the BPD instills so much FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in all of us that we stop making plans for ourselves and stop believing that we are worthy of genuine affection that's not tied in with giving.

The more I make plans away from the BPD family member, the stronger I feel and the more freed up I am to experience joy.  The guilt creeps in from time to time, the delusion that things will be different also creeps in and then I have to remind myself that when things are good, they won't stay good so I just enjoy when they are.

May 2017 bring you many, many moments of joy.  We all have to actively seek these experiences... .they're out there to be had!

Warmly,
Andrea2