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[hopeandfaith]

I have an adult daughter who as been diagnosed with BPD.  It started 8 years ago as depression and anxiety when she was in high school, but through many therapists and psychiatrists she was eventually diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago.  She spent a year going to a great therapist and also a group using DBT.  She has been on many medications, too numerous to name. All of this really helped but then she moved to a different city and unfortunately has not been able to find a therapist that has had any openings so she hasn't been in treatment.

She has gone back to nursing school and is doing well but it is very stressful for her.  She has recently had some setbacks and has been cutting again and also has had some emotion dysregulation.  As her mother I have always been the one she comes to when she is feeling unsafe (she has had 4 suicide attempts). But I am also the one she takes things out on when she is in a high state of emotion.  This can be very exhausting and I feel she takes advantage of me at times.  When all of this started my husband and I had no idea what to do or how to handle this so we just did the best we could.  Unfortunately I fear we enabled her because we were just so scared of losing her.

Through the years as she has matured and also learned coping strategies, things have gotten much better and the volatile emotional outbursts are fewer and farther between, but they still happen at times.  This happened just recently.  We have another daughter who lives in the same city as the daughter with BPD.  And the incident involved her. This daughter and I sometimes vent to each other about our concerns and frustrations with the D w/ BPD because we need to talk to someone. We had been texting back and forth and we said some things in frustration that the D w/ BPD read when I accidentally left my ipad at her house.  I feel very guilty about this but never intended for her to read it.  In my frustration I had made the comment that she can be exhausting and that sometimes I don't like my own child.  Of course I didn't mean that I didn't like her... .I love her!  I really meant that there are times it is hard to like the way she is acting towards me. 

Well long story short... .she is not speaking to me or her sister.  When I tried to explain what I truly meant she wouldn't listen.  When I try to explain that this is all very difficult for the whole family she accuses me of trying to make everything about myself.  She doesn't understand that even though she is the one with the illness it effects all of us.  She says she doesn't trust us any more and doesn't want us in her life if we can't be supportive.  I have apologized over and over.  How can I talk to her and help her to understand that her illness does effect us all?  I just don't know how to communicate with her any more.  I try to validate her feelings and then wait until she is calm to talk about our feelings but she just doesn't want to hear about we feel!  Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi hopeandfaith,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult time that you're going through with your daughter, we all need to talk to someone else sometimes. I'm glad that you decided to join the group, many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Are you going to a T? ( Therapist )

She has gone back to nursing school and is doing well but it is very stressful for her.  She has recently had some setbacks and has been cutting again and also has had some emotion dysregulation.

You probably already know this but BPD traits are more apparent when a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) are under stress. That's sad news that she can't find a new T in the new city that she moved to. I'm guessing that she's still open to the idea of finding a T?

Well long story short... .she is not speaking to me or her sister.  When I tried to explain what I truly meant she wouldn't listen

I completely understand this behavior, it's pretty confusing and hurtful when you don't know what the source of the problem is. I also understand how the behavior can be emotionally exhausting, self care is really important when we have a pwBPD in our lives, what do you do for self care?

I suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, it helps with normalizing the behavior and also depersonalizing the behavior, there's a reason why she behaves the way that she behaves, it's not personal. That being said, obviously you can still have your feelings about the behaviors, I'd suggest to share with us here to validate those feelings.

A pwBPD have difficulties seeing people as an integrated whole with both good and bad qualities at the same time, a good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities, you're either all good or all bad. From what you shared here, I think that you're split black, splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects the ego against anxiety and stress. Your D can't control splitting people all good or all bad, it's something that happens it own, the best thing to do is to weather the storm for now, you don't want to risk getting split black for longer than you want.

Have you seen her split family members, friends of the family or her friends in the past? How long did were they split black?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[hopeandfaith]

Thank you for your reply.  I can tell this board will be helpful to me.  It really helps being able to talk about it with someone who understands.  

In answer to your questions, no I am not in therapy frankly because it is very expensive and we have spent so much money on her therapy and hospital bills (that we are still paying on) that we don't have any extra.  When she was in the group DBT therapy there was a class for families that we attended where we learned about DBT and what she was learning so we could reinforce it but it didn't really go too in depth. Then they cancelled it because sadly they didn't have much participation.  I try to read and learn as much as I can about BPD and DBT.

She has just recently found a therapist that does DBT and has seen her a few times but I think they are still in the early stages of getting to know one another and learning to trust. I am hoping she will connect with this counselor and stick with her.

I have read only a little about splitting and have seen her do this to a couple of friends.  One has been more recent and the other has been about a year.  Usually when she gets mad it blows over in a day or two but this is different.  She feels personally attacked because of what we said and I am so worried she won't be able to forgive us.  She thinks we have been talking behind her back for 8 years.  When I told her we just sometimes need to vent and talk about our frustrations she wanted to know why we didn't just talk to her about it on one of her good days.  I told her it was hard for us to say what we were really feeling because we never know what her reaction is going to be and we don't want to upset her.

That seems to be another problem.  She gets angry with us if we tell her no or she doesn't get her way "right this instant".  As a matter of fact that was what the argument was that started this.  She was at a restaurant and had a few drinks and asked her sister to pick her up. (She has already hd one DUI) Her sister had been working all day and then went to workout and was on her way home to eat dinner.  She told her she would come get her but it would be 30-45 minutes.  She also told her she didn't want her to make a habit of it. It infuriated her that her sister wouldn't drop everything and come get her.  She called me to vent about how she does so much for her sister and her sister can't do this one thing for her.  (Her sister does a lot for her by the way). Then she got in her car and drove home and said it would be her sisters fault if she would have gotten a DUI. Her sister was frustrated because D w/BPD said some mean things.  I tried to validate her feelings but my other daughter needed to vent about it too. We did have that conversation via text that D w/ BPD read that caused her not to speak to us.

I have a very hard time figuring out how to talk to my D w/BPD about my feelings when she demands that we be there for her and do what she wants.  And she's very impatient and wants it RIGHT NOW! Especially when some of those demands are unreasonable and she can't see that they are unreasonable.  I get caught between feeling angry and feeling guilty.  I know it's not her fault and I hate that she has this illness, but doesn't she need to take some responsibility for her actions?  I feel like I'm walking a fine line and don't know when to excuse the behavior or hold her accountable. 


I

[Gorges]

My daughter is younger, but similar. Her entire life, including a few months ago, she throws major tantrums if she feels she deserves something and I say "no" in a nice way.  My daughter is also currently not speaking to me.

It makes me sad.  But, I am here when she wants and is ready.  I advise you to do the same.  Don't beat yourself up.  What you did was completely understandable.  Your daughter seems like she is on the right path.  Give her time.  This might be a good lesson for her and a chance for her to develop some empathy.  I would not apologize too much. This would be "validating the invalid".   I believe that the conversation that you and your other daughter had is a natural consequence to her behavior.  There is something called a "cab" that you can call when you have had too much to drink.  Also, if you had a DUI you might want to refrain from drinking altogether.  It was nice for your other daughter to even offer to pick her up. 

[incadove]

Yes - agree with above - I think the key to 'not her fault' is not to take it personally, offer empathy for the feelings, but still insist on responsible, kind and considerate behavior.   She can choose to behave that way even if its hard and not in line with her emotions.  So validating the emotions but pushing for correct behavior I think can go together.

The 'dielectic' part of DBT really helped me, to both accept AND work on change at the same time.