BPD Mom, divorce, and cutting Contact?

[redfox17]

I always knew that there was something wrong with my mother, and I was told she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but as time goes by, she is straight-from-the-textbook BPD. Growing up, she was so hot-and-cold. She would buy me gifts, and then return them if I pissed her off too much. She told me that I was stupid, told me it was my fault when I was sexually assaulted, and more. Then she would tell me how smart I was and how amazing I was. I'm her only child, so I get the brunt of everything and always have. It was never physical, but the emotional and mental abuse has been going on for as long as I can remember.

After years of enduring emotional abuse, my father has finally filed for divorce. My dad is my best friend, and I'm glad that he left. Their marriage has never been happy in my eyes. He has been disabled since I was young and has always been dependent on her. After all the years of emotional abuse, her alcohol abuse, and manipulative and controlling ways, he FINALLY broke free.

Throughout this time, she has caused me so many problems. She calls me and talks badly about my dad, tells me that I don't call enough, says that she doesn't have to pay the money to pay the bills (after giving me money, and insinuating that it's my fault that she can't pay her bills which she did even when I was a kid) , told me our dog has cancer (without knowing for sure if she does, I late found out), drunk texts me while I'm in classes, and has called me awful names. She checks my phone records to see how often I call my dad, and said that I betrayed her for not talking to her enough and that she is cutting off her phone because she "does not have the money to pay for it, and no one calls her anyway." She claims that my dad has people spying on her. She tells me every time that she calls how alone she is (she has no friends and her family no longer speaks to her for several reasons.) She makes me feel responsible for being her only support system, while I'm also trying to get through college and support my father and have a job and maintain any shred of a personal life.

This has been going on for 3 months. She throws me into an anxiety attack every time she calls. I do feel bad for her because she is alone and going through a divorce is difficult, but if I cut off contact with her, then I become the terrible daughter. She makes me feel like everything is my fault. Talking to her causes me so much anguish, but trying to get away from her would give me an entirely new slew of difficulties. I wouldn't put it past her to cut off my health insurance and car insurance and everything else - and I only work a part time job while trying to make it through school.

Has anyone cut contact with their BPD mom? Was it worth it? How do you deal with the guilt?

What about BPD + Divorce? Divorce is bad enough but adding BPD into it has brought it to entirely differently level... .
Thanks in advance for any responses.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Redfox17:   
I'm sorry about your problems with your mom.  You have a lot on your plate and I can hear that you are stressed out.   You are a good daughter to help your father.  It has to be difficult to be stuck in the middle, between both parents. 

Talking to her causes me so much anguish, but trying to get away from her would give me an entirely new slew of difficulties. I wouldn't put it past her to cut off my health insurance and car insurance and everything else - and I only work a part time job while trying to make it through school.

Has anyone cut contact with their BPD mom? Was it worth it? How do you deal with the guilt?   

You might look at alternatives and what's possible, should you mom cut off both your medical and car insurance.  Getting your own phone plan should prevent further comment regarding how many times you talk to your father.  You may need to scale down the type of plan, to bring the cost down, but the peace of mind might be worth it.  If it is important to you to keep your phone number, you might need to transfer the phone number before you mom disconnects your service.

If you can weather the current storm, you might have a financial advantage to delay a no contact (NC) situation.  Only you can decide what is best for you.  Some people would rather get rid of the emotional turmoil and deal with the financial problems, others the reverse.

Some people bounce back and forth between no contact (NC) and low contact (LC).  Sometimes, circumstances prompt one decision versus the other.

What about BPD + Divorce? Divorce is bad enough but adding BPD into it has brought it to entirely differently level... .   

Your mom is probably dealing with abandonment issues.

Working through FOG - (Fear, Obligation and Guilt), and setting firm    BOUNDARIES can make a difference for you.  Boundaries are for your benefit and protection.  You have to be the one to consistently enforce them.  Your mom won't like your boundaries and won't likely honor them without your enforcement. 

The communication skills, at the links below, can also be helpful.

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

VALIDATION

Validation (or minimally not being invalidating), can be a productive tool to use.  It doesn't mean that you agree with your mom's position, just that you acknowledge her feelings.

The two threads below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama in regard to your parent's divorce.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Sorry if I may have given you too many links. Just take it a lesson at a time.  Some people like to post in their thread to help validate their understanding of a particular lesson and to practice some strategy.  Check out the lessons on boundaries.  What are a couple of boundaries you can set?  Perhaps there might be a couple regarding arguments you mom may start in regard to your father?

[juliodaughter]

Redfox, I cut off contact with my borderline father a few months ago. For years prior, I had enforced some strict boundaries in our relationship, which were very difficult for him to deal with. I don't know if I'll maintain no-contact forever, but for the time being, it has been really good for me. I got into therapy myself, and I am mourning the loss.

It definitely sounds like there are some obstacles you face that I did not face, in that you are still somewhat dependent on your mom for financial support. It makes sense that you would be afraid of losing that support, and that having that financial connection would make it difficult to cut off contact. I imagine that would really make this even more stressful, and I'm sorry that is a factor for you.

While only you can decide what to do, it might be helpful to keep in mind that, as Naughty Nibbler indicated, your choice doesn't have to be forever. It can just be for now.

And if it's helpful to know, here are some of things that have made cutting of contact difficult for me. First, while I feel safer having set this hard boundary, I have fears that he will find a way to penetrate it, like by showing up at my door unannounced (which he has threatened to do before). I imagine how I would get out of the house, and to my neighbor's house, without confronting him. The other biggest challenge for me has been imaging all the things in my future that I won't share with him (assuming I maintain no-contact). Like, my husband and I are considering having a child soon, and I get sad thinking about not even telling him that I'm pregnant. I get especially sad thinking that he'll find out from someone else, and how hurt he will be.

Ultimately, though, I maintain that he is the only person who can change him, and that I am doing what I feel is necessary right now to protect myself and heal myself. Maybe one day I'll be healed enough to see him again. Maybe I won't. But either way, I don't think he will ever be able to be a real parent to me, and I'm grieving that.