False sexual assault claim

[madmoxxi]

Ok so my BPD roommate has posted on Reddit (a public forum) that my bf used to rape her.

Sigh. I cannot express how untrue this is.

She doesn't know I know her Reddit name and know it's her. She posted a picture of her dog so I 100% know it's her. Plus, she's told this story to everyone she's dated. And every time, it gets more dramatic and lasted longer in duration and more horrible. Literally, she said he was her lover of three years, raped her countless times, and she still lives with "the perpetrator" who is now her best friend. Guys. She's only lived with him for four years, two of those years with me, they only dated for like three months, and I've been with him every second of the day when she's home for two years. And he's had countless girlfriends before me and has NEVER had to work at getting girls as he is very attractive and charming. If that doesn't tell you enough.

Now, she's going on with, "should I tell his current woman?"(guys- I've dated my bf for 3 years. It's not a "current" thing. We basically live the married life already.)

People are goading her on because, you know, people are jerks and aren't in your best interest on the internet. I don't know if she's going to try to tell me, but I've told her I know everything before (but I didn't mention in specific, or that I knew she was lying.).

I commented using an alias saying not to do it. I said it would only come back on her, whether his new woman believes her or not, and it is not her place to get involved. Because tbh, I don't want to have this conversation because this is one thing she's done I could NEVER forgive. One of her exes called the police on my bf and she made him call them back and say he was wrong. This is unforgivable, right?  I don't think I could be nice to her about it. My bf though gave me a non-circular argument to use should she, though. He said to tell her that I already know, I don't want to talk about it bc it breaks boundaries and is history, and throw in, I've seen your Reddit if she continues. He says she meant for me to find it bc she mentioned she was on the self harm forums on Reddit then was on it in front of me. Which, I could believe. She's very sneaky.

She hasn't tried talking about it yet, though.

So I guess my questions are:

1. How should I address it, should she try to talk about this?

2. How can I get her to stop lying about this? It's a terrible thing. She's told everyone who will listen.

3. How do I drop it from my mind? Whenever I get reminded of it, and as I said, it's the one thing I could never forgive, I get so angry and dissociate. Who even does this?  

[Naughty Nibbler]

madmoxxi:

For pwBPD, feelings equal reality.  You might find the article at the link below informative:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?
www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Why-Do-Narcissists-and-Borderlines-Lie-So-Much-24

There is no value added for you to follow her on social media and interact with her. You can't change her. Interacting with her on social media, as someone other than who you are, (or even as who you are) will only serve to be a detriment to your PTSD.

The best thing you can do is to NOT follow her in any forum, NOT confront her regarding posts you have read.  Just don't go there.

Why are you doing it?  Is it possible that you might be drawn to the drama?  I read an article recently that indicates that we can get addicted to drama, just as we can to drugs, alcohol and other things.  It can be a hard question to ask yourself.  What are some healthy things you could be doing with your time? 

I believe you indicated you will move out in a couple of months.  The healthy thing to do is to stay out of what the roommate is doing.  :)on't stalk her on the Internet, don't discuss the fact that you know she is in various message boards.  Focus on your dogs, your boyfriend and managing your stress in a healthy way.  If your boyfriend wants to monitor her, for fear that she might identify him by his name, then he should be the one to do that.

[madmoxxi]

That's true. I just really didn't want the confrontation. People just kept telling her to do it. I just... I just can't deal with that right now. Trying to keep us out of a fight, which she's trying harder and harder to do everyday since we've been setting boundaries, like my therapist said she would.

I don't know why I did it. I was a little curious at the forums she was reading so intently and pointedly. They're terrible- filled with triggering SH pictures I can't even mention. I only came across hers by accident. I didn't realize it was a small forum, with apparently like 14 people active at a time. I actually have come to terms with the fact that as much as I'd like to stand up to her, I cave in at any conflict and have a panic attack. I had to tell her the other day she couldn't discipline my dog for wanting to play with her when she taught my dog that, and I got flustered, my voice wavered, and I messed up all my words... and she was obviously trying to get to me anyways. And it showed it did. That was all it took to shut me down for a good 30 minutes in fear of conflict, even if she needed to be told to cool it.

But what do I say if she tries to corner me about it? I've been coming home from work and hiding in our bedroom until my bf gets home. That is actually what I'm doing now. My therapist said I shouldn't hide in my room from her for any reason except if she's raging and I'm home alone with her. But it's getting increasingly hard bc every other thing she says to me is terrible and manipulative (I know- I read in the book this is not manipulating, it is her trying to make herself feel better but it still feels like it.). And then she is buying scapels and stuff on our amazon and the PTSD makes me go, wait. What if she's going to attack me with it. She's dangerous. Because she is, with her anger and being a good six inches and probably fifty pounds on me. I know I have my own issues, but I also know I'm not out of bounds to be scared of her.

I don't think he's concerned. He knows her better than I do and I have processing issues so not everything... processes right. Which may be why I am pretty sure I sound like a crazy brat.

We are moving out in a few months. But my therapist predicts I'll be instutionalized from the anxiety and PTSD. I'm not sure I'm on the right path away from that, but I am read that book, I am on these boards, I'm going to DBT therapy, I'm on PTSD medication. So, I'm trying. I'm not sure what more I can do.

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm crazy. I don't know if I'm coming across right.

[Naughty Nibbler]

madmoxxi:

Let's put the website thing behind you.  Clear your history, if there is any chance she can get onto your electronic devices.  :)on't go back to follow her on those websites.  If she tries to confront you on it, just refuse to engage in an argument about it.  Just indicate you weren't stalking her on the Internet and indicate you won't continue any discussion about it.  Then, leave the room, or the house if necessary.

You and your boyfriend need to take steps to change your password on your Amazon account.  Need to make it a secure password that she can't guess.  I't not safe to share your passwords with anyone or to use passwords with common words/phrases that others can figure out.

The link below has information about a Safety Plan.  You might feel more comfortable if you think through something, in regard to your roommate.  Plan in advance what you would do if you feel physically threatened by her.  Many times, we can feel more secure if we plan for the worst, but hope for the best.

bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Is the weather such where you live, that you can take the dogs for a walk, until your boyfriend comes home?  How about putting on some headphones and occupying your mind with an audio book or some podcasts?  Best to do something to occupy your mind, until your boyfriend comes home.

Perhaps, you might want to bring some conversation specifics to a therapy session.  You could practice how to respond to certain dialog.  This could be in hindsight, after an uncomfortable situation, or in anticipation of a future one.

Does your roommate's dysfunctional behavior run in cycles?

Don't beat yourself up about going to your room, when you get home from work.  Perhaps, aim to stay outside of your room for short periods of time and then work your way up to being exposed to the roommate for longer periods of time.  :)on't stress yourself out too much.  If you need to go to your room to feel safe, then just do it.  Take as many of your pets as you can.  They should bring you comfort.  If you need to stay away from the roommate to stay safe, then do what you need to do to feel safe for right now.  Once you move, you will have new opportunities to practice dealing with confrontation and being more assertive around other people.  Hopefully, you will be in better situations, without people with BPD.

[madmoxxi]

Weather is ok now where we live, however, she's home with me a good 2-3 hours before he gets home. I'm usually surfing the Internet if I'm in the bedroom. I help run a psychology site so I basically just do all the administration then.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm hoping to do that. I haven't seen her in three weeks due to the holidays. It's been really stressful.

It does, I suppose. Lately, it's been insecurity, self harm, attention seeking behaviors, self harm, aggression, self harm, apologetic behavior. She told us last night she watched a video of a 12 year old killing herself. That was messed up. I heard her watching a video in her room really loud that sounded like crying but wasn't her, but I didn't think about it until she mentioned that. I can see she's on spiral downward. She refuses to see a psych or therapist ("You're schizophrenic and bipolar! You're more crazy than I am and you're only on one medication! I don't need anything." Also her: "So, your psych symptoms were mostly environmental and now that you're out, you're getting better? Maybe me too!" and she's abusing klonopin(said to us the other day- "I'm thinking about buying street drugs". Leaving used razor blades in MY couch cushions.

I think she may be playing it up a bit to get our attention, because my therapist said she would if we start to set boundaries. I don't know what my therapist would think now, it's been three weeks and she's still doing it. But my therapist said we need to set the boundary that we are no longer her support system due to her actions and hold it there and not feel guilty. Because I definitely have tried to get her help. About six months ago, I took her and got her checked into an institution because she said she was extremely suicidal and pill popping. Little known to me, she was lying about the suicidal and intrusive thoughts(she later told us) and left AMA. But literally, up until a few months ago, I played into the whole "I need your help to get through this please help me" thing pretty well. I didn't realize that she was using mental illness as an excuse to act poorly and didn't want help. Now, she doesn't try to hide that fact. She no longer has "up" days. Just down and more down. She refuses help. She not just BPD, she's also bipolar 2. She tries to make me look crazier than her because I occasionally hallucinate, but tries to make her anxiety look worse than mine. (I actually have a pretty severe anxiety disorder that I have been instutionalized for before but otherwise, I'm pretty clear headed most of the time)

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I obviously can't cut her off like anyone else would do right now. I live with her. She knows how to poke my buttons and does frequently, but not when my bf is around, and never to him. I have done all the research in the world, and I've put so much into therapy with dealing with her. I just don't understand. My therapist said I won't. I dissociate with pretty much anything with her now, and all possible coping skills will cause dissociation for me. That's why I'm on this site. I was hoping for understanding, for some clarity. I was hoping to find people who've been there and can help. I don't know. I feel like I've been rambling but it's all so necessary to say. I feel like I am trying to paint a seemingly impossible picture with no paint. I feel like a lot of background is needed to understand. I'm sorry if I've been vague and not clear with my posts.

[Naughty Nibbler]

madmoxxi:

Glad to hear you have a therapy appt. tomorrow.  Perhaps you might want to make a list of what you want to talk about and prioritize the issues, so you will talk about the most stressful issues first.

You can't change your roommate.  If the situation indicates, call for emergency services (if she seems suicidal).  Hand her info. with the phone number, websites, etc. of crisis support resources. Let others guide her when she is distressed.  You have tried.  It didn't work in the past, so take a few steps back.

She is likely projecting onto you.  I know it's hard, but don't take what she says personally.  :)on't react, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Try reading about THE BIFF RESPONSE.  (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm)