Hello

[rose.madder]

 
I found this site when googling "forum borderline", as I'm looking for help with how to deal with my situation. I'm a newbie here, so I'm trying to learn the ins and outs of this board, which might take some time (to read through all the information).
I live in Europe. My daughter (21 years old) has borderline. She lives with me. I'm a single mother, as my husband died when my kids were toddlers. When reading through the info on this board, I came to the conclusion that probably my mother and I also had borderline or something similar (all three of us - my daughter, myself and my mother had traumas in our lives). I had therapy before the children were born.
I'm at a loss of how to deal with my daughter. She had traumas in her life and afterwards cut herself, tried to throw herself in front of passing cars or says she does not want to live anymore. She has been in a psychiatric ward several times. She now got fired (she was training to be a nurse). She does not want therapy. She blames me for all her problems, says she hates me and will make my life a hell (because I called the fire department last week when she said she wanted to commit suicide). As she lives with me, this makes things very difficult for all of us (I also have a son, he is 22 years old and studying at university but still living at home with me). I don't know how much information I should post here ... .I contacted the social psychiatric service/council of our town, but they cannot help me very much with advice. So I started looking online for help and found this website. My main issue is how to deal with the situation. I have read through the thread  "supporting versus enabling" and see that I have to stop enabling, but would still need help in this department. I will start reading through all the material on this site, but since that does not always cover all issues, was hoping to receive tips/advice in specific situations.
I wish everybody a happy weekend.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hello Rose

A big welcome to you. I'm very sorry to hear what has brought you here but I'm glad you've found us.

My BPD in my life is my adult son who is 26 (BPDs26).  He returned home to us at 24 just following diagnosis and, whilst the diagnosis finally explained so much, I found myself at a complete loss at how to proceed.  He'd moved out and was in a downward spiral and I asked him back home after a crisis.  I've been on the forum ever since and it's literally been my life saver.  We live in the UK.

I read as much as I could about BPD here on the website and also some recommended books.  The more I read, the more I understood the his daily challenges and limitations.  Information is power and I really encourage you to look at the tools at the top right hand of this page.  I found I didn't react to his behaviours as I used to as I finally could make sense of his behaviours.

Communication and validation skills are key to helping your relationship with your daughter.  I can't believe how much my relationship with my son has improved since I started to change my approach.  I'd tried everything I could to change him and I realised on this forum that there was another way - I could change myself and how I interact with him; he started to respond positively very slowly.  Baby steps as there's a lot to learn.

It can get quite overwhelming so I posted a lot.  I'd ask for feedback on conversations, ask for advice on absolutely everything over time.  There's no limit to what you can post about and it's a safe environment to vent because, boy oh boy, there's times I've been hopping mad or just full of despair.  There's hope and you can have a better relationship with your daughter.

You've mentioned that you'd like some practical advice - what can we help you with specifically?

There's a few of us here in Europe and some in NHS treatment so there's good advice to be found here.

Hugs to you because I'm guessing you've been through the mill and back again!  

L

[rose.madder]

Hello Lollypop,

Thanks so much for answering! It was such a relief to read your post.

I copied and pasted all the tips and tools and infos on the right hand side and made it into a document so that I can read everything at my leisure in the evening, when things get quiet over here :-).

Kudos to you and your husband that you took your son back. I returned to my parents when I was around 24 also, after a crisis in my life.

My daughter is living with me and I'm torn between kicking her out and being frustrated and angry, loving her, but being upset with her and her behavior ... .Well, guess you know what it's like. I find it difficult to empathize whilst drawing boundaries at the same time - to know the difference. For example: She does not pay her bills, does not go to a therapist, does not go to the employment exchange in order to get unemployment benefit. Her room is such a mess and her bed piled high with clothes, so that she cannot sleep in her own bed and is sleeping in my bed (at the moment, I'm sleeping in the living room, as I had an operation and cannot climb the ladder to my loft bed). She stays in bed the whole day, fiddles around with her cellphone, does not help with household chores (I work part time in order to make ends meet (I had cancer several times and cannot work full time - and have to clean and tidy up after her. If I don't do it, nobody will do it and if I tell her to pick up things she dropped or things she left all over the place, she does not respond). Then she takes a shower and goes out with her friends in the evening  (her friends all know what to do when she starts hyperventilating and rushing out in order to throw herself in front of a car). In the past, I could not sleep, as she often landed in hospital since her friends/the police/the driver called an ambulance (she never got hurt) and I never knew if she would come home or in what condition ... .Now, I just go to bed and sleep since I've come to realize that I cannot change her or the events ... .  At the moment, she just ignores me and does not speak to me and frankly, I'm at a stage where I don't want to be the first one again to start a conversation. In the past, I have offered her help, ie driving her to the doctor, to the employment agency, to the bank so she can pay her bills, filling in forms, but she refuses help.

Just the fact that I can "vent" my frustrations here feels so good, knowing that others have been through the same ordeal and know what it's like and can give tips, since I've had the feeling of being completely alone with my problems (my friend's children don't have BPD).

Thanks so much, Lollypop! My sister lives in the UK, I live in Germany.
Have to go to work, it would be very nice to hear from you again.

 

[tristesse]

Hello Sallyrose
I also think it's fantastic that you have found each other. nothing beats moral support in a time of distress and/or despair.
I want to point out something that we often forget about our BPD children... .they do not really hate us, in fact we are in all actuality the most trusted person in their lives. They are often the most brutal and mean to their parents because we love them unconditionally, it's a relationship that doesn't end, they don't lose us.
A BPD will often time convince themselves and us, that they hate us, they will tear us apart, bit by bit, blame us for everything wrong in their sad lives, and believe it while they are doing it. It hurts and makes us feel helpless and hated. It is not your fault! It is the nature of the illness. I had to learn this from a therapist years and years ago, and I often have to remind myself of this fact. There is a book titled " I Hate you, Don't leave me" I read it several years ago, and can not remember the author, but it sheds some light on why our BPD kids treat us as they do.
Just remember for all of the pain and heart ache your BPD is causing you, it is fueled with self loathing and insecurities, heart ache and torment of their own. They suffer every day of their lives, they feel lost and scared and anxious and hated every second of every minute of every hour of every day.
I know this did not take away the pain, but hopefully it gave somebody some insight and understanding. Do not give up hope, and remember to take care of and love yourself.

[Lollypop]

I find it difficult to empathize whilst drawing boundaries at the same time - to know the difference. For example: She does not pay her bills, does not go to a therapist, does not go to the employment exchange in order to get unemployment benefit. Her room is such a mess and her bed piled high with clothes, so that she cannot sleep in her own bed and is sleeping in my bed... .She stays in bed the whole day, fiddles around with her cellphone, does not help with household chores (I work part time in order to make ends meet... .if I tell her to pick up things she dropped or things she left all over the place, she does not respond)... .In the past, I have offered her help, ie driving her to the doctor, to the employment agency, to the bank so she can pay her bills, filling in forms, but she refuses help.

Hi there Rose
You aren't alone with your problems as each and every one of us here are going through or have experienced very similar problems.  I completely relate to what you've said and literally this could be me 12 months ago  .   I found my friends just didn't know what to say to me anymore and socialising with them was really difficult listening to their "normal and successful" lives.

My BPDs26 just didn't want to grow up and I found myself doing things for him that he should be doing for himself.  He resisted.  For him to behave like an adult, then he needed to be treated like one.  But the disorder obviously throws challenges because I needed to be realistic as he wasn't just going to suddenly take on the responsibility for himself overnight.  

I got myself a long term(ish) plan that I could work towards.  This helped me keep focussed on the bigger picture and not get drawn into the small stuff e.g. it took me a while to not get involved with the state of his room.

Boundaries are the big personal stuff that relate to you and your own morals and values.  "You will not hit me" kind of thing.  They need to be 6 feet thick rock solid concrete and, no matter what, there will always be a consequence. They need to be carefully considered.

Limitations are the daily lifestyle stuff.  "We keep shared areas clean and tidy" or "you'll text me when you're not coming home"  kind of thing.  Limitations are realistic and flexible.  

My BPDs26 doesn't rage and internalises so I don't need many boundaries. The only one set so far has been no smoking drugs at home.  I could have insisted on him entering treatment but I personally feel that this would be wasted energy because, until he is fully committed to it and ready, it may just possibly fail.  He has a repeated problem with medical professionals.  Some on the forum believe that treatment is the number one priority and I do understand that. We all have different lives and situations and must find our own way forwards.

My limits are him making a financial contribution towards his living costs at home, he does his own washing, he's responsible for his own money and health.  I do not give him money.

I defined a clear line about what is my responsibility and what is his.  I now let my BPDs26 learn by his own mistakes.  That's how we all learn.  I discovered it takes him about 5-6 times for things to stick (like paying his rent without resistance).  I just wasn't assertive and loving enough in my approach to him, I learnt though!  These are things we can help you with too.

You are both sharing your home and I'm sure you'd both benefit from your shared areas being more pleasant to be in.  The mutual benefit is that you'd get along better.  It's easy to slip into a resentful mode.

I'm so glad you're here and learning all you can. We're here to help and support each other.  Feel free to ask for advice and guidance on anything.  There's all of us here with wide experiences and much to share.  You can cherry pick what feels comfortable for you and your situation.

I'm very sorry to learn about your health problems, it can't be easy for you.  Our BPDs push us to our very limits if we let them.  Take care of yourself Rose.

L

[rose.madder]

Bonjour Tristesse, Hello Lollypop,

Thank you both so much for replying.
I have ordered the book "I hate you, don't leave me" and some more books, so when they arrive, I'll have plenty to read.
I often feel guilty. I'm not the perfect mom, have made mistakes in the past and said hurtful things. I apologized to my daughter, said that I'm very sorry about that and tried to explain my situation at that time (feeling overwhelmed with the death of my husband, being a single mom, having cancer and not knowing if I would survive). I also tend to say hurtful things when my nerves are frayed. And afterwards I feel really sorry about that. I know I have to work on that. I do take responsibility for what I've done wrong, but don't want to be blamed for things that did not turn out well in her life because of her choices and decisions. As it is, I am blamed for everything. I cannot reason with her. Because it's my fault. period. I talked to my therapist about it, and she also said that I am not to be blamed, but still, my wrongdoings hurt me and I just wish I could undo what I did/said in the past ... .
What you said, Tristesse, is very helpful. Deep inside me, I know that my daughter is very unhappy. Now, I need to learn to remain calm when she gets one of her temper tantrums, which is not so easy :-).
Thank you also, Lollypop for your advice and lovely message.
I am slowly getting the feeling that a person with BPD behaves a lot like an addict, albeit without the substance abuse ... .Childish behavior, hating oneself, blaming others, not taking responsibilities, lying, untrustworthy - (A long time ago, before I had the children, I was an addict myself, the daughter of an addict and the enabling partner of an addict) and the enabling part/co-dependency part is very similar. From my own experience, I know that I had to hit rock bottom till I finally managed, with the help of therapy, to turn my life radically around. And it pains me that my daughter, who knows about my past, is going the same way, making all those wrong decisions, not seeking help, has wrong relationships that hurt her, etc... .The boundary thing still has me flummoxed. She blocks me on her mobile phone, she does not talk to me, does not answer when I say something. I don't clean or tidy up her room. If she puts clothes into the laundry basket, I wash them. But when I tell her to stop littering the living room, she does not react. I do not pay her bills, since I told her that that was her responsibility. As she does not take steps to ensure her unemployment benefits, she will be out of money soon, but I will not give her any, as I don't have a lot and need every cent in order to pay the bills here. It is helpful to know that your BPDs26 has learned from his mistakes and has made progress.

Feel overwhelmed at the moment. Thank you both so much for reaching out to me. It feels do good just "talking" to you  

[rose.madder]

Sorry for typo - I meant, it feels so good  just "talking" to you
   rose.madder

[abcdef1]

Hello Rose I too have a BPD/NPD daughter 29 divorced with children. she exhibits all these behaviors and more and i also ordered lots of books. she refses to get therapy bc I am the problem. She is angry, rages and refuses to live within my boundaries when she is here. right now we are in NC and only talk thru pm on fb or once weekly short phone calls she is tearing us down and apart. I will not allow her to destroy us though so for now we have chosen to remain NC. She is also irresponsible with everyhting. Money, kids, etc and makes all the mistakes you describe. We have always saved her and bailed her out but now we are no longer doing this. We have chosen US not her. We are very very broken over our grandchildren but ehrer is nothing we can do about it, and we will not allow her to use them as a pawn anymore. Wishing you success and sending hugs.

[rose.madder]

Hello abcdef1,

Thank you for your message.
Kicking her out would be a last resort, my BPDd21 is only 21, has no other place to go to and she (and I) don't have the funds to pay for her own apartment.
I will try to talk to different therapists, social workers, lawyers and get information what to do when worst comes to worst. I still hope that she will start therapy when her funds dry out ... .maybe wishful thinking, but one never knows ... .
Hope that your BPDd will start therapy. Hope that for all of us one day things will get better.