Silent Treatment - Complete Shutdown for 2 Weeks Plus

[frustratedxvx]

Okay. First time out here. I rarely register on forums but probably like so many of you out here, I've been driven so over the edge that there's nothing else I can do.

I've been dating this BPD for 3 years +. Hell before I even got into it I had no idea what BPD was. I was just two years out of some long-term relationship that ended badly and looking for a fling. One thing led to another and she claims she was in love which I felt too soon (probably like 3 days in) but since I had no one, I felt hey, why not ride this relationship train to whatever station it's headed for, after all I had nothing to lose. It was even supposed to be a long distance relationship so I figured she'd get bored sooner or later and move on.

But boy was I wrong. I spotted some traits earlier on I later identified as BPD. I mean she would absolutely freak out if I told her I was out with a female friend. Called me every minute of the day to find out where I was. Wanted to control which pictures I had with who on Facebook, accusations of cheating or planning to leave her. etc etc. She'd visit and we'd be taking a walk and she would accuse me of ogling someone I didn't even see. Want to check my phone. Accused me of being involved with the ex, telling me about how men can't be friends with women, general controlling behavior. Always wanted to be seen as right. Any other way of thinking contrary to hers is the wrong way. Sensitive and cries at the slightest things. 

To be fair, she kept it faithful. Would insist on flying out miles to see me. Showered me with love and insisted I was the best thing in the whole world and I sure as hell felt like it. But she was also incredibly demanding, wanting me to always tell her I loved her, talked about babies and marriage and the whole fairy tale works. Expecting romantic text messages in the morning. Expecting them at night. You know, the sort of thing you do when you start a relationship she wanted it 24/7, 365. Like I was a "love me love me" machine.

We would have arguments over boundaries (stalking women on my social media page), following them and even threatening an ex-girlfriend or two (for supposedly having designs on me) and wanting me to take her side for harassing these people. We'd have arguments like every two weeks. 5 days silent treatment, maximum 2 weeks, until one of us would cave in and reach out. I don't think we ever had a month of peace, no fussing and understanding.

2 years in she was talking about marriage (still on this LDR thing) and I considered it because I was so into her. She made a huge fuss about me not being serious and planning to leave her eventually,  and I let her know marriage was the sort of things that I needed to put in perspective considering my financial state. Finally, I caved in because I loved her and thought with engagement and later marriage she would calm down and we would get all the good without the insecurity and the bad. I mean she even went down to insisting the proposal happen on a specific date. It had to happen before her friends had theirs. (she's very keen on following the crowd, seen to be doing as her friends are doing or better etc.)

Seeing as it wasn't a surprise anymore a year later I got the engagement ring and without pomp or pageantry tried to place it on. She turned into a crying mess about how I didn't get down on one knee or ask her the question? Which i found odd because she knew an engagement was already in the offing and not a surprise anymore so why was the staged scene necessary? We went past the crying and she finally accepted and I thought that would be that. But boy was I wrong.

Immediately she left back to base, she started questioning the ring itself (whether it was authentically an engagement ring), the process (not kneeling down and asking) and whether I had just given her the ring to waste her time with no intent of  marriagecommitment. She went as far as inboxing some exes to let them know we had finally sealed the deal (just in case they weren't aware and I was keeping them in the shadows) turned that into a fight and I had to intervene and be blamed for not taking her side. I was so angry I kept quiet for week before I cooled off.

Every day it would get worse, she'd send me questions about the nature of my love, talk about how she wanted to have babies immediately, question the honesty of my intentions until I would lose it. She talked about how the engagement ring wasn't big and bright enough for what she really wanted (which was to show off to her friends as she has a huge need for their validation) and even went as far as saying she took it to an appraiser that called it a costume ring, just to  (I lost my mind for another week or so while she pleaded for forgiveness and asked to be let back in). She even went as far as deleting her engagement off her social media (4 weeks into it.)

It didn't end there. After ruminating for another week or two, she started again about how I was being insincere about the whole process and I wasn't really committed and how I was not interested in talking about the marriage proper or babies and a bunch of other stuff. How I never really proposed and how she had to insist on everything.  In turn I flipped and it turned into a full-fledged shouting match. A day later I tried to apologize and she came at me again with the same irrational accusations and I having had my fill of being emotionally sucked dry, let loose. It ended it blocking off instant message platforms for about a week.

True to type I tried to reach back out to her after a week with messages and even flowers delivered to her. Complete silent treatment. Tried getting people to talk her out of it but she told them in very hurt tones how I was responsible for hurting and frustrating her etc etc (clearly very angry). She deleted my pictures, blocked me off her social media pages and has refused to have anything to do with me for two weeks plus and currently puts up pictures without her ring and flaunting her new found freedom (18 days or so).

Right now I'm in a confused place, between loving her and trying to work out how best to get back into this and heal the relationship or wondering whether this is the final and complete shutdown/silent treatment, because we've never been apart without communication this long. I know it's unhealthy but I don't want to be saved from it.  How do I fix this and make it a healthier more trusting relationship and/or is this the end?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[frustratedxvx]

P.S Sorry for the long post! I had to let it out.

[Meili]

There's certainly no need to apologize! Many of us, myself included, could have written almost that exact story.

Sadly, there is no easy answer to "how to get her back." The good news is that with the long, not so easy answer, it might be possible!

You can use this time that she's silent to your advantage. Taking care of yourself, repairing the damage, and learning about pwBPD and their relationships will all give you a boost if/when she reaches out to you.

During this time, you should be focusing on you. I know that it will be hard, but what she is or is not doing should not be your concern. By becoming stronger, you'll make yourself more attractive. Plus, no matter the outcome, you benefit from this.

It helps many people here to read the posts of others. We get to see that we are not alone, crazy, or the only people who have experienced these types of behaviors. It also allows us to reach out to others and share our experiences. Many of us find the offering support and suggestions is very therapeutic. So, reading and posting can help you if you choose to do so (and I hope that you do!).

I realize that all of that might sound trite, but it's all true.

So, what are you doing for you?

[kahlersj]

Meili,  you've been helpful on one of my posts as well, but I have to probe further on something you've posted here.  You wrote, "The good news is that with the long, not so easy answer, it might be possible!"  How? 

[Meili]

In a nutshell, the "how" is the non focusing on his/herself, being strong and confident, enjoying his/her own interests. These things are attractive. Being clingy, needy, unsure, and not having "a life" are unattractive traits.

As discussed in the article "What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship", the non has to be strong and emotionally stable to survive a relationship with a pwBPD. Not only must the non do it for his/her own protection, but many have also found that the pwBPD feels safer with a strong and confident partner. Because fear is at the heart of BPD, feeling safer is necessary.

Strength and confidence also help us maintain our boundaries. Our boundaries are what keep us safe. They help protect the non's mental health, finances, property, and even the pwBPD. While the pwBPD may have what we call an extinction burst when first encountering a boundary, many have learned that the pwBPD actually appreciates the boundaries. Again, they help the pwBPD feel safer. Not only that, but they keep the non from being a doormat... .doormats are not attractive.

Being attractive, combined with learning to communicate in a healthy and effective manner give the non the best chance at saving the relationship.