Introduction - I suspect my mother has BPD

[supergeek]

Greetings,

I have lurked around here in the past, in fact I may have even registered at one point, but this is the first time I've posted. I apologize for the rambling - apparently I had more to say than I realized.

Me: Only child, the all-good AND all-bad child, mid-thirties, happily married for 6 years, we have a rambunctious, daredevil toddler who I love to pieces. Raised by my dad who passed away ten years ago, when I was 25. I aim to not let my past define me, not be jaded by my experiences, and be the best person I can be to my husband, our son, family, and my friends.

My BPD - my mother. She and my dad had me (2nd marriage for both), then she was in and out of psychiatric facilities from the time I was an infant/toddler to present day.

My story:  My parents separated when I was a toddler, officially divorced when I was in elementary school. My dad worked very hard to support me, get me therapy early, and in general have the most positive outcome that he could, knowing my mom's issues. Her official diagnosis was/is "bipolar with psychotic tendencies", but my dad pegged per early on as having BPD, not bipolar.

Growing up, I visited my mom on weekends, or every other weekend. She was unfortunately sexually abused while she was growing up. Due to her abuse, I was subjected to many lectures on these kinds of things in non-age appropriate ways. There were also the times when we would go visit people and she would tell me, "Now don't tell anyone your mommy is manic-depressive" (I was probably 4 or 5). While in one of her psych hospitals, she met a woman who she had a relationship with from the time I was about 9 to the time I graduated high school, who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. My mother piled on and did not do anything to protect me. While I was at their house, I was made to do all of the chores that they did not tend to during the week. I was told that this was my responsibility because my dad apparently didn't give me any chores to do at home.

I was NC with my mother on and off between my teen years and around the time I was 18 or 19. Every few years there would be some kind of medical crisis that came up. I played into it. During that time I was also going through my own things, with one after another crappy boyfriend, then finally ending up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend and depression of my own between 21 and 24. Through three years of therapy during the crappy boyfriend, I discovered myself, pulled myself together, enrolled in community college, and got a good job. I of course also left the abusive jerk, lived on my own, got my life together, etc. Just in time for my dad to die when I was 25. That brought its own challenges, and of course during that time, my mother made it all about her.

Over the years, it's always been all about her... .failed jobs, failed relationships, many illnesses and surgeries - some no doubt legitimate but others probably imagined (even if they seemed real to her). Always a crisis, always needing money from me (even though she had was the beneficiary of a $30,000 life insurance policy from my dad - that money was gone within 3 or 4 years).

One of the most infuriating things that happened to me was partially my fault. My mother had gone on and on about a life-changing book she had read, and a bulletin board that she was now a part of, and all of the friends that she had made on there. Apparently some of those friends even sent her money! She had her version of the way that things had gone, including a quite elaborate story about my father, her evil sister (who has also given her thousands of $s over the years), and of course I, the no good but sometimes perfect daughter played a leading role in her stories.

When I was pregnant with my son, I offered to let her stay at our house when I went into labor (she lives 2 hours away). When I was about a week overdue, I read online that apparently I wasn't nice to her and that she was planning to just run herself into a tree and maybe I would care then. I ended up needing to be induced at 9 days past my due date and told her very clearly that my husband would call her and let her know when she could come to the hospital after the baby was born. She of course couldn't wait and I had a nurse show up WHILE I WAS PUSHING that my mom was there. I was furious and considered making her return to the house instead of meeting her grandchild.

Our relationship has been tenuous since my son was born, and I have been trying hard to set boundaries. I came up with a wonderful excuse and way to manage my time with her, which was to call her once a week on my 15-20 minute commute from work. If she is being appropriate, I will tell her that I will call her the next day or later in the week. My mother has months of good behavior and then when I finally think of seeing her more often, or opening myself to her more, she does something to throw it all away. I tried a set meeting schedule with her, where we see each other every other month, which rotates from my house (where she always ends up spending the night), for lunch at a midway point, and her house each time.

Without fail, no matter what I do, it is eventually never good enough. It's never close enough to my birthday (which I hate to celebrate because of her), or her birthday, or mother's day, Christmas, etc, etc. She always wants MORE.

What finally led me to post today was that over the weekend, she begged me for $400 for an "emergency" bill. She is on a fixed income. Last year, she purchased a new Apple computer and a new camera. I tried to dissuade her from both purchases. She always has more medical bills and other emergencies always arise. My husband and I both have good jobs and have worked hard to get where we are in life. In the past, I have helped her out. I just can't do it, and it is causing stress in my marriage. I'm considering going NC again, but I don't know if I can live with the guilt.

I want my son to understand that we need to have compassion for others, especially those with mental illness, but also that it's okay to set boundaries. I would expect that if I treated him the same way that my mother treats me that he would do what is needed to take care of himself first.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings! I look forward to participating around here.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome SuperGeek:   

I'm so sorry about you situation with your mom.  Sounds like you have been through a lot.  It is understandable that your husband and child are your priorities. 

Is you mom currently on meds and/or in therapy?

I came up with a wonderful excuse and way to manage my time with her, which was to call her once a week on my 15-20 minute commute from work. If she is being appropriate, I will tell her that I will call her the next day or later in the week. My mother has months of good behavior and then when I finally think of seeing her more often, or opening myself to her more, she does something to throw it all away.
Without fail, no matter what I do, it is eventually never good enough.

I'm sorry.  It has to be heart breaking to think you have made progress and then see a reversal.  We can't change them.  We can only manager the way we interact with them and react to them.  It's great, when there are lapses in bad behaviors, but they generally resurface during times of stress.

What finally led me to post today was that over the weekend, she begged me for $400 for an "emergency" bill. She is on a fixed income. Last year, she purchased a new Apple computer and a new camera. I tried to dissuade her from both purchases. She always has more medical bills and other emergencies always arise. My husband and I both have good jobs and have worked hard to get where we are in life. In the past, I have helped her out. I just can't do it, and it is causing stress in my marriage. I'm considering going NC again, but I don't know if I can live with the guilt.

Finances can be a source of conflict in a marriage and things can get complicated.  You shouldn't be guilt-ed into bailing her out.   Sometimes, you have to say "no".  It might be helpful to read about FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)

I want my son to understand that we need to have compassion for others, especially those with mental illness, but also that it's okay to set boundaries. I would expect that if I treated him the same way that my mother treats me that he would do what is needed to take care of himself first.

It's good that you want you son to have compassion for those who are mentally ill.  You can share age appropriate appropriate information with him.  I believe there is a book on boundaries that are geared for children. 

There are some links to helpful information to the right of this post.  Everyone has to decide what is right for them regarding contact.  If you go back to NC, you can reverse that at some time in the future.  Sometimes, a break can be a good thing.

[thduda]

I have a bipolar mother too; although she does not have a personality disorder.  My father is very narcissistic.  Because of both of their problems I had a very challenging upbringing.  My mom too was in and out of psychiatric facilities in my late teens/early twenties with psychosis. 

However, because my mother is generally very sweet and loving; I have regular contact with her and have forgiven her because of her illness.  She knows she was not there when I needed her.  She is aware of her shortcomings.  She is sorry about it.

My father on the other hand; also has an illness; but it is a personality disorder and he is very narcissistic and toxic to be around.  He leads a very active life with many hobbies and interests.  He regularly includes my sisters but not me in his life and vacations with them etc. I have decided to go no contact with him because he will never change; admit wrongdoing; apologize, empathize, realize the harm he has done-and I am furious that he has been able to get away with abusing me.  No one stood up to him; not my sisters; not my mother; not my grandmother etc.

I know its a hard decision to make.  I think the personality disorder is harder to deal with then the mental illness/bipolar.

[supergeek]

Thanks everyone! I didn't mean to post and then drop out entirely!

The most recent crisis has been averted. Even though it was hard, I maintained my boundaries with her. I reminded her of the ways that I have helped her in the past and that I would not reply to any passive aggressive (or nasty) texts, emails, or phone calls from her. She surprised me by thanking me and saying that she was sorry.

Of course, I know that this will be short lived and that there will be another outburst or disaster in the next few months.

On the meds issue, yes, she is on medication. I think she is actually on 3 different psych meds and sees her therapist once a week. I have had permission to speak with her therapist on and off throughout the years. Her therapist doesn't think that she has BPD because she thinks that my mother would have quit seeing her years ago. I know my mother can be quite manipulative and I think that the therapist takes her completely at her word.

I will try to visit some other posts and give back what I've been given - thank you so much.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Supergeek:   

The most recent crisis has been averted. Even though it was hard, I maintained my boundaries with her. I reminded her of the ways that I have helped her in the past and that I would not reply to any passive aggressive (or nasty) texts, emails, or phone calls from her. She surprised me by thanking me and saying that she was sorry.   

That's good news!  You are right, however, with people with BPD, an event is around the corner.  It's nice to hope that the nasty events might be gone, but the reality is that something is around the corner.   It's good that she does take her meds and sees a therapist.   My thoughts are that I can accept the situations better if the person with BPD is at least trying to manage their condition.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are going.  There are always listening ears, when you have a need to vent.