I'm going through an extreme heartbreak

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for a year. We both live in different countries. We saw each other 4-5 times a year. I have a degree and a job and I work hard so we can make the trips happen. We flew over, escaping away from reality and fell in love. When we're not together physically we used to keep in touch via Skype and messages all the time, so much that we didn't give each other space for individuality. I used to always multitask though, I'm good at handling conversations with her and finishing my work. I'm focus driven on my career, on the other hand she's very bad at real life stresses, multi tasking and deadlines. She is 30+ and still in school. She also suffers from adhd. Gradually, I started noticing that she has really bad self-esteem and was always looking for reassurance from me, I always used to give her the reassurance but sooner or later my words or actions didn't work. I guess she became bored of it. She did say mention the word 'routine' towards the end.

Before her exams, she asked for a break and she said we can write to each other in letters. I wrote her 3 letters, which she only replied to one, After 10 days of break, she called me and said she missed me a lot, I thought she was going through a lot of stress so I sent her a care package. I was patient and calm but I was losing a lot of weight. I didn't message her though because I thought she was stressing over exams. After 30 days passed, I called her and asked if everything is okay and she said it is and she said she might need help with her exams and I was happy to help and I did help. She then said, she doesn't know what's wrong with her and she missed 4 of her exams and won't be graduating. We said we love each other and acted normal. Next day, she started pushing me away saying I deserve better and to let her go, I fought so hard but she wouldn't let me in so I let her go. Next day, she called to ask how i'm doing and I said I feel broken. I asked "are you in love with someone else?" she cried and confessed, she thought she was and slept with him couple of times. I asked, "why" she kept bringing negative bundles and said "things were building up" — I didn't believe in her at all. She also said her relationship with him will last till end of the month. "It's not about me anymore, it's about him but we know it's gonna last till end of the month" — I really don't understand how can she date with someone while she's with me. After the confession, she became vulnerable to me even more. After end of the month, she ended with him but looks like is still friends. She called me and said she wants to work on "herself" and I still said I still wouldn't let her go.

Some points:
0. She has abandonment issues from her father, emotional abuse from her mother, so seeks love outside.
1. She always projected that I will find someone better than her
2. She constantly used to ask for reassurance and if I didn't give her the reassurance she would get mad and act distant
3. The person who she cheated on has no ambition or career or family, he drinks and writes poetry. He is also lonely. He hasn't been in a relationship for years so she 'saved' him?  
5. She started writing poetry with this guy so she missed her exam dates, failed horrible and didn't graduate
6. She made me feel like so down for her cheating action
7. She wants to be my friend and still talk from time to time but not in a relationship and at the same time she wants to work on herself.
8. She was very vulnerable to me and we had long term plans

After all of this, I didn't show hate towards her and get angry. She was surprised. She has deep rooted issues I know but why did she destroy our home in order to build someone elses? I don't understand the 'savior' act she's doing. Is she being selfish?

What are your thoughts on this situation? I don't know if she was a BPD sufferer or not but from what it looks like I had a lot of push/pull effect. I'm going through an extreme heartbreak and she knows this. I'm doing NC right now.

[dylancole101]

I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for a year. We both live in different countries. We saw each other 4-5 times a year. I have a degree and a job and I work hard so we can make the trips happen. We flew over, escaping away from reality and fell in love. When we're not together physically we used to keep in touch via Skype and messages all the time, so much that we didn't give each other space for individuality. I used to always multitask though, I'm good at handling conversations with her and finishing my work. I'm focus driven on my career, on the other hand she's very bad at real life stresses, multi tasking and deadlines. She is 30+ and still in school. She also suffers from adhd. Gradually, I started noticing that she has really bad self-esteem and was always looking for reassurance from me, I always used to give her the reassurance but sooner or later my words or actions didn't work. I guess she became bored of it. She did say mention the word 'routine' towards the end.

Before her exams, she asked for a break and she said we can write to each other in letters. I wrote her 3 letters, which she only replied to one, After 10 days of break, she called me and said she missed me a lot, I thought she was going through a lot of stress so I sent her a care package. I was patient and calm but I was losing a lot of weight. I didn't message her though because I thought she was stressing over exams. After 30 days passed, I called her and asked if everything is okay and she said it is and she said she might need help with her exams and I was happy to help and I did help. She then said, she doesn't know what's wrong with her and she missed 4 of her exams and won't be graduating. We said we love each other and acted normal. Next day, she started pushing me away saying I deserve better and to let her go, I fought so hard but she wouldn't let me in so I let her go. Next day, she called to ask how i'm doing and I said I feel broken. I asked "are you in love with someone else?" she cried and confessed, she thought she was and slept with him couple of times. I asked, "why" she kept bringing negative bundles and said "things were building up" — I didn't believe in her at all. She also said her relationship with him will last till end of the month. "It's not about me anymore, it's about him but we know it's gonna last till end of the month" — I really don't understand how can she date with someone while she's with me. After the confession, she became vulnerable to me even more. After end of the month, she ended with him but looks like is still friends. She called me and said she wants to work on "herself" and I still said I still wouldn't let her go.

Some points:
0. She has abandonment issues from her father, emotional abuse from her mother, so seeks love outside.
1. She always projected that I will find someone better than her
2. She constantly used to ask for reassurance and if I didn't give her the reassurance she would get mad and act distant
3. The person who she cheated on has no ambition or career or family, he drinks and writes poetry. He is also lonely. He hasn't been in a relationship for years so she 'saved' him?  
5. She started writing poetry with this guy so she missed her exam dates, failed horrible and didn't graduate
6. She made me feel like so down for her cheating action
7. She wants to be my friend and still talk from time to time but not in a relationship and at the same time she wants to work on herself.
8. She was very vulnerable to me and we had long term plans

After all of this, I didn't show hate towards her and get angry. She was surprised. She has deep rooted issues I know but why did she destroy our home in order to build someone elses? I don't understand the 'savior' act she's doing. Is she being selfish?

What are your thoughts on this situation? I don't know if she was a BPD sufferer or not but from what it looks like I had a lot of push/pull effect. I'm going through an extreme heartbreak and she knows this. I'm doing NC right now.

[Mutt]

Hi dylancole101, 



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry about your break-up. You're in the right place for that, many of us can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. I don't if she's has BPD or not, some people fear intimacy and abandonment and will push / pull.

Why are you in NC? Is she saying hurtful things?

[dylancole101]

She doesn't want a relationship so she can work on herself but also she is still with him.

[dylancole101]

P.S — She messaged me few days ago asking how I'm doing and hope that I'm ok. She knew that was sick for 2 months. She knew she hurt me. I didn't reply to her though. It hurts so much. What should I do? I believe she wants to be friends or she wants me to absolve her for her sins?

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am very sorry that you are going through this turmoil.  The good thing is that you are able to reach out and look for a "reality check" from others who have had dealings with similar behaviours.  You are not in denial, you are not fully "gaslit", you are not completely engulfed in "FOG" (Fear/Obligation/Guilt).

You are an altruistic person, and this wonderful attribute of yours is in danger of being misplaced and misused.  I say this because while the desire to help is ethical and moral, in this case your desire to "save" her from herself will most definitely not produce the end result simply because:-

1) You are not a trained clinician-your relationship is not that of a doctor-patient.
2) You are not a priest-the relationship  is not that of a priest-penitent
3) You are not her parent-the relationship is not that of a parent-child

Right now it may be that you are inadvertently assigning yourself the role of  a mental health expert who is treating her as a patient.
Or inadvertently assigning yourself the role of a parent--teaching her how to grow up and be a fully functional and well adjusted adult.
Or inadvertently assigning yourself the role of a priest-who forgives her for her "transgressions" and your forgiveness makes her feel better for a little while... .and then she pushes the boundary further still and needs forgiveness for a bigger "transgression"... .and you do so... .and then the boundary is pushed further still and she needs forgiveness for yet bigger "transgression"... .

An imaginary scenario would be like... ."I had a brief sexual relationship with someone in a very bad shape to help him... .please forgive me for my motives and intentions were good.  I want you to have similar relationship with me... .save me just as I was trying to save this person I had sex with... ."

Then you forgive her because you "understand" her and because you are an empathetic, altruistic person.

Continuing with the imaginary but plausible scenario... .

Then she calls pleading for help and forgiveness because she accidently got pregnant... .you understand and forgive her.
Then she calls pleading for help because now she has an STD... .and you are mad at the person she tried to save for breaking her trust and doing it to her... .

By the end of this, you are could possibly have assigned yourself a lifetime role of being a rescuer, with no progression in site... .just a repetition of the cycle.

So at this time, it is important to use precise words and precise definition:  What role do you want to assign yourself?

We (the collective "We", that comprises of this entire board) value your personal integrity and are not critical of any role that you assign yourself.  We will only recommend that you make your selection with an open mind and with clarity of the issues involved.

So my more specific recommendation is for you to read all the different message boards on this site, the Staying board, the Leaving board at either ends of the spectrum and the boards in between.  Absorb the information... .your intuition will guide you the right way.  The big danger is for you to talk yourself out of what you feel intuitively.  Please do not let your reason turn into rationalization resulting in a conflict within yourself.

Further, some counseling can always help (counseling is not the same as therapy... .I think of counseling for what it is, a way of getting a different perspective, an opportunity to talk to trained clinicians and get their feedback... .it's like a sounding board... .).

Thank you for sharing your deepest concerns with us.  It takes courage indeed to open up.