Riding into the sunset

[67HD]

After 11 years of what was perceived as a pretty solid relationship and 7 month since the passing of my remaining parent, I'm feeling the combined effects of grief along with relationship infidelity and gas-lighting.

We have not spoken in over a month. Since November things became rocky and unstable. Instinctively, something had changed. She was involved in an automobile accident.  A total loss.  Interestingly, when her last car failed she was filled with anxiety as it was her lifeline to appointments. This time around she remarked, that she would find something suitable w/o asking for my assistance.  I'm guilty of being the Rescuer.

I wish I had seen this website many years earlier. When we parted I returned her apartment key and left. Yes, I was upset, feeling betrayal and anger. I did not yell, but frustration and resentment for the treatment were in my voice.

About 3 weeks earlier, we had had another spat, reunited and found a neutral spot to chat. I found myself doing most of the talking. She said something rather odd at the end that I did not challenge. It went something like this. "If you do this one more time, that is it." SO handed me an invitation for a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner. We had a really enjoyable weekend.

I know from a prior failed marriage and much work; the key to intimacy and long lasting relationship is honest open communication, trust and commitment to your partner.  Relationships built only on  enjoyment, excitement and sex never last.

As much as I love my SO deeply do I really intimately understand her?   Knowing that the thing to do is care for myself, do I ride off into the sunset?  The majority of posts on this topic say when a break-up occurs it is best to have no contact.

Lastly, I forgive my SO and pray each day that God protect her from harm and impulsive  influences.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi 67HD,
  What struck me about your post was this line:
"If you do this one more time, that is it".

That is a very controlling statement putting full blame on you.

Yes, I cheated on you but you... .

This is something BPD's love to do... .twist the whole situation back to you.

I don't know why I am giving you another chance, I must be an idiot

You always push my buttons. This is all your fault

I don't know why I love you
when you are such a jack-a _ _.

There is never a compromise. It is always blame. a healthy relationship is not built on blame or threats.

"If you do this one more time, that is it".

THAT is a threat. It is also an ultimatum. It's like she's "doing you a favor" by giving you a chance which is emotionally abusive.

NC is up to you. No one can tell you to do it or not do it. In my case, when my ex finally replaced me she ghosted me so NC was not on my part but I did not reach out or engage, knowing it would only hurt me.

What NC did was help ME heal. It gave me time to work through my own co-d issues and realize how toxic my relationship was. Personally, I think NC saved me.

I wish you the best on this journey. It isn't easy and we fall sometimes but know what she said to you was very telling on how she will be towards you if you continue a relationship with her. She's shown you who she is. Believe it.

 
PW

[67HD]

Hi PW,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and agree with your perspective. In the end, the key is to heal and move on. I've learned that loving another means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Walking around thinking about what was desired vs. what was occurring keeps me stuck.

Forgiving her is the beginning of healing. Holding on to anger, hurt and resentment keeps the poison within me.

Should she reach out to me, I would by nature be on guard and keep a healthy distance. The nature of this disorder from all that is posted here is to idealize, devalue, discard the nonBPD partner and repeat.

Truly, tragic and very very sad.

67HD