Want to try to seperate the BPD from just plain abuse. Divorce or not?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife of 2 years had strong BPD traits (pretty much every one described) and I believe that it has come to a point where I can't go on with her in a relationship. She endlessly criticizes, blames and twists everything to the point where she is a victim and I am a monster, but the verbal abuse is over the top. She wishes me dead, curses my mother (who loves her like her own child) and screams every hateful, disgusting word she can think of at me for hours and sometimes days on end when she doesn't completely get her way and/or distorts reality to the point where she is a victim of some imagined hate directed toward her. I'm pretty certain a lot of this is rooted in BPD and I truly have tried all I know and can stand to work with her in a productive way to find a healthy balance in our relationship. I've read online information for months, just finished a book for family with BPD and I'm to the point where I am losing my sanity trying to figure out and find the right answers to this situation. We tried marriage counseling and on our third visit she accused our therapist (a female) at the Dept. of Veterans Affairs of trying to separate us so she could get with me because the psychologist told me that if my wife wasn't in her own therapy and on medication she honestly doesn't think it would work. My wife has been in personal therapy for a year now and on medications for mood regulation and anti psychotics. No matter how loving and passionate I am with her she still sees me as a monster out to hurt her even when no such incidents occur to even to remotely be misunderstood for her to think that. She slams doors constantly, throws objects (once at me and left a purple bruise on my forearm), screams profanities, wishes me dead (which is awfully painful to me), criticizes and blames me for everything from bad energy in the room to wanting her dead (which never happens), then just pain denies she did any of it after the fact, let alone apologize. It's a serious whirlwind of love/hate/abuse and I'm about 2 seconds from calling my attorney and divorcing her. Every day is a crisis with her. She slapped me in the face about 8 months ago. I called the police and they made her leave. I didn't press charges and she wasn't arrested. She apologized a couple days later and we reconciled. BUT now she even denies that she hit me. What the heck? I feel like I fell in to the twilight zone with her. I think over time things got so bad I've pushed my personal boundaries back so far because of her disorder that they are merely a yield sign (if that) now and have no meaning what so ever. My dilemma is this... .my sanity says she is a seriously damaged person with deep psychological problems and an accomplished abuser who needs to be placed as far away from me as earthly possible. The little voice in the back of my head says she has BPD and giving up on her is the same thing that happened when she was a foster child before and after being raped twice. Once pistol whipped and left for dead. The second time drugged and raped by two of her male friends at the time. I'm torn in two. Should I eject her from my life and leave her to her own delusions or try to hang on and completely lose my identity and standards of acceptable behavior. Lord this seems like a no brainer but I don't know why I feel like BPD is the root of it and she might actually not be able to control herself and I have a duty as a husband and family member to understand best I can and search for answers and tools to help us have a better relationship. I just finished reading "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger and there were so many answers I needed to be able to find my direction in this relationship. BUT some of the info to me was ambiguous and I've been searching online and everywhere else I can find to try to separate her BPD from just straight up abusive disregard for me as a human. If I didn't love her I wouldn't even care. Unfortunately that's not the case. I do. But I want to know what some other people with BPD spouses think. Is this normal? Do I owe anybody on this planet the ability to shred my soul because they can't help it? Or to what degree is it the BPD and what's just ridiculous to even put up with and work with. Man I can't even believe I'm to the point where all of this is even a question but it's been so intense and I've been so immersed in it I really can't figure it out. Please tell me what you think. Also, she knows I'm in the living room on my desktop making this post and constantly keeps asking questions and slamming her brush on the bathroom sink counter top, I think as an intimidation tactic. I smell a screaming crisis coming tonight.

[caa3869]

My wife of 2 years had strong BPD traits (pretty much every one described) and I believe that it has come to a point where I can't go on with her in a relationship. She endlessly criticizes, blames and twists everything to the point where she is a victim and I am a monster, but the verbal abuse is over the top. She wishes me dead, curses my mother (who loves her like her own child) and screams every hateful, disgusting word she can think of at me for hours and sometimes days on end when she doesn't completely get her way and/or distorts reality to the point where she is a victim of some imagined hate directed toward her. I'm pretty certain a lot of this is rooted in BPD and I truly have tried all I know and can stand to work with her in a productive way to find a healthy balance in our relationship. I've read online information for months, just finished a book for family with BPD and I'm to the point where I am losing my sanity trying to figure out and find the right answers to this situation. We tried marriage counseling and on our third visit she accused our therapist (a female) at the Dept. of Veterans Affairs of trying to separate us so she could get with me because the psychologist told me that if my wife wasn't in her own therapy and on medication she honestly doesn't think it would work. My wife has been in personal therapy for a year now and on medications for mood regulation and anti psychotics. No matter how loving and passionate I am with her she still sees me as a monster out to hurt her even when no such incidents occur to even to remotely be misunderstood for her to think that. She slams doors constantly, throws objects (once at me and left a purple bruise on my forearm), screams profanities, wishes me dead (which is awfully painful to me), criticizes and blames me for everything from bad energy in the room to wanting her dead (which never happens), then just pain denies she did any of it after the fact, let alone apologize. It's a serious whirlwind of love/hate/abuse and I'm about 2 seconds from calling my attorney and divorcing her. Every day is a crisis with her. She slapped me in the face about 8 months ago. I called the police and they made her leave. I didn't press charges and she wasn't arrested. She apologized a couple days later and we reconciled. BUT now she even denies that she hit me. What the heck? I feel like I fell in to the twilight zone with her. I think over time things got so bad I've pushed my personal boundaries back so far because of her disorder that they are merely a yield sign (if that) now and have no meaning what so ever. My dilemma is this... .my sanity says she is a seriously damaged person with deep psychological problems and an accomplished abuser who needs to be placed as far away from me as earthly possible. The little voice in the back of my head says she has BPD and giving up on her is the same thing that happened when she was a foster child before and after being raped twice. Once pistol whipped and left for dead. The second time drugged and raped by two of her male friends at the time. I'm torn in two. Should I eject her from my life and leave her to her own delusions or try to hang on and completely lose my identity and standards of acceptable behavior. Lord this seems like a no brainer but I don't know why I feel like BPD is the root of it and she might actually not be able to control herself and I have a duty as a husband and family member to understand best I can and search for answers and tools to help us have a better relationship. I just finished reading "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger and there were so many answers I needed to be able to find my direction in this relationship. BUT some of the info to me was ambiguous and I've been searching online and everywhere else I can find to try to separate her BPD from just straight up abusive disregard for me as a human. If I didn't love her I wouldn't even care. Unfortunately that's not the case. I do. But I want to know what some other people with BPD spouses think. Is this normal? Do I owe anybody on this planet the ability to shred my soul because they can't help it? Or to what degree is it the BPD and what's just ridiculous to even put up with and work with. Man I can't even believe I'm to the point where all of this is even a question but it's been so intense and I've been so immersed in it I really can't figure it out. Please tell me what you think. Also, she knows I'm in the living room on my desktop making this post and constantly keeps asking questions and slamming her brush on the bathroom sink counter top, I think as an intimidation tactic. I smell a screaming crisis coming tonight.

[Mutt]

Hi ca3869,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. You have the right to be happy. You didn't cause the disorder and you can't fix it, your wife has to want to help herself and if she's mentally ill, she has an obligation to take care of her mental health. I didn't get married to get divorced I was in an erratic r/s, my wife would blame and accuse me with everything but didn't want to work on trying to mend the marriage, she was destroying the r/s.

You're not obligated to lose your sense of self in a r/s, you could have strong boundaries and sometimes a pwBPD will still roll over you. My advice is don't blame yourself and please don't feel guilty because guilt is a toxic feeling.

Many members can relate with your situation and offer you guidance and support, we'll walk with through this.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I feel for you.  I know it's tough figuring out what to do. I know the feeling of responsibility you feel.  I do think that some people might actually put up with more abuse from a spouse when they think it is from BPD, or childhood trauma.  But why?
What does the origin of her problems mean to your reality?
Try reading your post above out loud, but, replace your name with your dad's name, or your brother's name, or imagine your son said what you did.  What would you feel? What would you want him to do?

[once removed]

hi caa3869, id like to join my fellow family members and say

you do sound exhausted. its an impossible place to be in and my heart goes out to you.

its also very difficult to make such a decision in the midst of chaos, and im glad you reached out to us for support, we will walk with you every step of the way.

you dont have to make any decisions or change anything today or over night; you can inform yourself, and take steps to make a grounded decision. i highly recommend you explore the lessons on the Improving board, in particular start here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

get a feel for what you realistically believe can improve for you over time. explore the lessons directly to the right ------>. stopping the bleeding sounds like it would take a lot of the pressure of off you right now.

also crucial is taking good care of yourself. are you able to take time to do the things you like to do?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I re-read this thread and I want to join in and say that you do not need to decide to divorce or not at this moment.  There are lots of baby steps to getting healthy, centered, and ready for the bigger questions and problems.  I do know that as you work on the small improvements, the bigger problems get smaller each day.  Like climbing a mountain. 
First get safe, then get healthy and happy.