It happened - The replacement dumped her

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've posted my story on here before.  Dated a woman who I believe was uBPD for 2-1/2 months, broke up with her at the end of November.  She then reached out in mid-December and had 2 of her friends reach out to me to check in on her.  She and I messaged a bit at the end of December, and I had wanted to meet up and talk about our relationship and how to address the issues we each had.  She put me off until January, only for me to find out she was in a Facebook official relationship with a new guy the first week of January - roughly 5 weeks after I broke up with her, and she had a major surgery during that 5-week time period. 

I really second guessed my decision to end things, as I couldn't reconcile whether her bizarre behavior was situational - major home remodel and an upcoming major surgery - or whether it was systemic of who she is - a nearly 40yr old woman who has never been married or had children, and who really hadn't been in a long relationship.  When I saw she jumped into a new relationship so quickly and saw the new guy getting showered in the adoration of the idolization period, I was devastated and thought for sure I had made a mistake, and that he was reaping the fruits of the labor I had put in  with her. 

Last Friday, a friend of mine was with a friend of hers catching up on life.  They talked about business, personal life, etc.  Eventually, my friend asked this friend how her ex-husband was doing.  Turns out, the ex-husband of my friend's friend is my replacement with my exGF.  His ex-wife told my friend how this guy fell head over heals during the first 3 weeks, and then my uBPDexGF started shouting at him all the time, talking over him and not letting him get a word in, and even throwing things at him.  Apparently, they fought all the time, and he eventually had enough and ended the relationship.  I checked his Facebook account, and instead of saying "In a relationship with GTS22's crazy ex-GF", it now says "single".  He deleted the previous few profile pics of the two of them.  I checked her Facebook page, and her privacy settings never showed she was in a relationship, but there are still previous profile pics of the two of them, which is odd, since she deleted all the photos of me as soon as I broke up with her.

I find myself feeling a few different feelings:
1.  Part of me feels vindicated that this went down the way it did, as it validates that I was correct in my decision to end things.
2.  Part of me feels bad that I take even the smallest pleasure in this situation.  I'm better than that - I don't wish ill will on anyone.
3.  Part of me misses her and hopes she will reach back out to me, even though I think it would be a mistake to re-engage with her.
4.  I'm fairly certain that if she did ask to re-engage, I would probably be open to the idea.  Why?
5.  Part of me is curious what her next move will be.  Recycle or new supply?
6.  Part of me feels like I misjudged the replacement.  I thought after he was so quick to post "In a relationship", he would put up with her abuse and propose either by Valentine's Day or by her birthday next month.
7.  Part of me wishes I could simply move on and forget about her, but as my T says: "If you did cocaine for only 2-1/2 months, it would take you a really long time to recover.  Think of your relationship with her as being addicted to cocaine - sure it was only 2-1/2 months, and yes it's been another 2-1/2 months since you broke up with her, but it can take longer to break the addiction."
8.  Part of me wants to be the guy who can be there for her - yes, I've read the 10 myths, but I truly cared about her and didn't want to break up with her.  If I'm being honest, I really want another shot to see what would happen.
9.  Part of me is mad at myself for being so weak that I would want another shot with someone who I'm now even more certain has MAJOR relationship issues, even if she's not BPD. 
10. Part of me wishes I could just meet a normal woman who I'm attracted to physically, intellectually, and emotionally.  And a woman who is capable of reciprocating these feelings.
11.  Part of me wants to know that I meant something to her.
12.  Part of me wishes I had a crystal ball so I could peek into the future and see which direction to go. 

I've promised myself that I won't reach out to her, but I don't know what I will do should she reach out to me. 

Thoughts?

[GTS22]

I've posted my story on here before.  Dated a woman who I believe was uBPD for 2-1/2 months, broke up with her at the end of November.  She then reached out in mid-December and had 2 of her friends reach out to me to check in on her.  She and I messaged a bit at the end of December, and I had wanted to meet up and talk about our relationship and how to address the issues we each had.  She put me off until January, only for me to find out she was in a Facebook official relationship with a new guy the first week of January - roughly 5 weeks after I broke up with her, and she had a major surgery during that 5-week time period. 

I really second guessed my decision to end things, as I couldn't reconcile whether her bizarre behavior was situational - major home remodel and an upcoming major surgery - or whether it was systemic of who she is - a nearly 40yr old woman who has never been married or had children, and who really hadn't been in a long relationship.  When I saw she jumped into a new relationship so quickly and saw the new guy getting showered in the adoration of the idolization period, I was devastated and thought for sure I had made a mistake, and that he was reaping the fruits of the labor I had put in  with her. 

Last Friday, a friend of mine was with a friend of hers catching up on life.  They talked about business, personal life, etc.  Eventually, my friend asked this friend how her ex-husband was doing.  Turns out, the ex-husband of my friend's friend is my replacement with my exGF.  His ex-wife told my friend how this guy fell head over heals during the first 3 weeks, and then my uBPDexGF started shouting at him all the time, talking over him and not letting him get a word in, and even throwing things at him.  Apparently, they fought all the time, and he eventually had enough and ended the relationship.  I checked his Facebook account, and instead of saying "In a relationship with GTS22's crazy ex-GF", it now says "single".  He deleted the previous few profile pics of the two of them.  I checked her Facebook page, and her privacy settings never showed she was in a relationship, but there are still previous profile pics of the two of them, which is odd, since she deleted all the photos of me as soon as I broke up with her.

I find myself feeling a few different feelings:
1.  Part of me feels vindicated that this went down the way it did, as it validates that I was correct in my decision to end things.
2.  Part of me feels bad that I take even the smallest pleasure in this situation.  I'm better than that - I don't wish ill will on anyone.
3.  Part of me misses her and hopes she will reach back out to me, even though I think it would be a mistake to re-engage with her.
4.  I'm fairly certain that if she did ask to re-engage, I would probably be open to the idea.  Why?
5.  Part of me is curious what her next move will be.  Recycle or new supply?
6.  Part of me feels like I misjudged the replacement.  I thought after he was so quick to post "In a relationship", he would put up with her abuse and propose either by Valentine's Day or by her birthday next month.
7.  Part of me wishes I could simply move on and forget about her, but as my T says: "If you did cocaine for only 2-1/2 months, it would take you a really long time to recover.  Think of your relationship with her as being addicted to cocaine - sure it was only 2-1/2 months, and yes it's been another 2-1/2 months since you broke up with her, but it can take longer to break the addiction."
8.  Part of me wants to be the guy who can be there for her - yes, I've read the 10 myths, but I truly cared about her and didn't want to break up with her.  If I'm being honest, I really want another shot to see what would happen.
9.  Part of me is mad at myself for being so weak that I would want another shot with someone who I'm now even more certain has MAJOR relationship issues, even if she's not BPD. 
10. Part of me wishes I could just meet a normal woman who I'm attracted to physically, intellectually, and emotionally.  And a woman who is capable of reciprocating these feelings.
11.  Part of me wants to know that I meant something to her.
12.  Part of me wishes I had a crystal ball so I could peek into the future and see which direction to go. 

I've promised myself that I won't reach out to her, but I don't know what I will do should she reach out to me. 

Thoughts?

[ILMBPDC]

I've promised myself that I won't reach out to her, but I don't know what I will do should she reach out to me. 

Block. Her.
Problem solved - she can't reach out to you then
I was in your shoes - I didn't block my ex, thinking it was fine, we were NC anyway. I admit a part of me didn't want to close the door fully. Of course, he reached out after several months and I got sucked back in. And nothing had changed and I got decimated again.

I find myself feeling a few different feelings:
1.  Part of me feels vindicated that this went down the way it did, as it validates that I was correct in my decision to end things.
2.  Part of me feels bad that I take even the smallest pleasure in this situation.  I'm better than that - I don't wish ill will on anyone.
3.  Part of me misses her and hopes she will reach back out to me, even though I think it would be a mistake to re-engage with her.
4.  I'm fairly certain that if she did ask to re-engage, I would probably be open to the idea.  Why?
5.  Part of me is curious what her next move will be.  Recycle or new supply?
6.  Part of me feels like I misjudged the replacement.  I thought after he was so quick to post "In a relationship", he would put up with her abuse and propose either by Valentine's Day or by her birthday next month.
7.  Part of me wishes I could simply move on and forget about her, but as my T says: "If you did cocaine for only 2-1/2 months, it would take you a really long time to recover.  Think of your relationship with her as being addicted to cocaine - sure it was only 2-1/2 months, and yes it's been another 2-1/2 months since you broke up with her, but it can take longer to break the addiction."
8.  Part of me wants to be the guy who can be there for her - yes, I've read the 10 myths, but I truly cared about her and didn't want to break up with her.  If I'm being honest, I really want another shot to see what would happen.
9.  Part of me is mad at myself for being so weak that I would want another shot with someone who I'm now even more certain has MAJOR relationship issues, even if she's not BPD. 
10. Part of me wishes I could just meet a normal woman who I'm attracted to physically, intellectually, and emotionally.  And a woman who is capable of reciprocating these feelings.
11.  Part of me wants to know that I meant something to her.
12.  Part of me wishes I had a crystal ball so I could peek into the future and see which direction to go. 

You are still healing. I really do understand all of your points here - I think I have had every single thought as well.

I truly cared about my ex, too. I honestly still do. But I have been working really hard to remind myself that he hasn't changed. Not one iota. Nothing would be different in another go round and we can't keep doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. It never works.

Sure, I am working on myself but it hasn't been nearly long enough. And even when I have healed fully, is he the type of person I am going to want to deal with?  Honestly, no. My own cPTSD/codependency makes it so that I want to "help" him, I feel like I alone can understand him and that love can overcome everything. Ha. as I learn about my own issues I realize what a crock of sh*t that all is. And any healthy, normal person wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.  In a way it is like having a crystal ball - I know exactly what would happen if we tried again. Why would I want to put myself through what I already know will be constant emotional turmoil?

Your therapist is exactly right - this is truly an addiction and the only real way to break an addiction is to abstain.

Block her.

[GTS22]

Thanks ILMBPDC.  I know you are right, but I can't bring myself to block her yet.  I really don't think she's going to reach out.  If she wanted to, the best time to do that would have been at the end of December when we were messaging.  She knew I wanted to talk about our relationship and see if we could reach common ground.  Instead, she put me off and essentially chose the replacement relationship.  Maybe I'll be strong enough to either block her or turn down any overtures, but I'm not there yet.  A big part of me craves a recycle. 

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks ILMBPDC.  I know you are right, but I can't bring myself to block her yet.  I really don't think she's going to reach out.  If she wanted to, the best time to do that would have been at the end of December when we were messaging.  She knew I wanted to talk about our relationship and see if we could reach common ground.  Instead, she put me off and essentially chose the replacement relationship.  Maybe I'll be strong enough to either block her or turn down any overtures, but I'm not there yet.  A big part of me craves a recycle. 

GTS...I asked you questions in your other thread. This particular line ties in why I asked the questions I did. "A big part of me craves a recycle." - Why do you think this is? This is something that needs to be explored. I'll be gone for a few days as I just let my team know, but I will check back in with you when I get back. I have a family death to tend to.

Please keep your head up, but I implore you to truly ask yourself some tough questions and explore why you feel the way you do and think the way you do.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[user]

I feel your pain
it's really hurt it's just like hell, you know that the relationship with bpd partner difficult
but you want him whatever the result will be.
you missing him and wishing that he will come back, I feel the same.
I can't stop thinking about him
after your breakup did you talked to her to give the relationship chance?

[GTS22]

SC - First, I'm truly sorry you are dealing with a death in your family, and I wish you and your family peace and comfort during this challenging time.  The fact that you took the time to respond to my thread shows incredible compassion.  Thank you.  To answer your other questions from the previous thread:

So I see 2 things I want to point out. Obviously, the pattern of you having cheating partners. It seems to be a frequent theme and well an extremely unfortunate string of luck. Not just one or two, but a pattern. Any commonalities you noticed in these relationships where you had suspicions the partner was cheating? The cheating is obviously not your fault, but there are lessons to be learned there...were there communication issues? Were there red flags that you just let pass you by? Things like that.
The girl I dated before my ex-wife definitely had her own issues - I've learned she's on her third marriage already.  I think she cheated because she was young, and she monkey branched into a new relationship to escape ours.  My ex-wife had red flags galore, mostly her entire family have all been married multiple times and cheated, so she had poor role models.  The woman I dated after my divorce had 2 teenage boys whom she couldn't control by herself.  They completely disrespected her and wouldn't listen to her.  On the weeks I didn't have my daughters, I was there helping her with them, but on the weeks I did have my girls, she couldn't manage on her own.  I suspect she did the math and realized that I wasn't going to propose as long as her older son was still in the house.  He's now a high school senior, but a friend of mine has told me that he quit the football team because he prefers to do drugs, so I don't see him leaving the house any time soon.  While these situations include bad luck, I've clearly chosen women with poor character and values.  They don't present that way at first, but the signs were present early on - I just ignored them.  For example, my ex-wife said things when we first started dating and when we were engaged, that looking back on now, I should have realized were huge red flags.  Back then, I was younger (20s) and didn't pick up on them.  And in retrospect, I should have left the woman I dated after the divorce when I first learned that her son was caught doing drugs - I would have saved myself a year and a half of that relationship, and she wouldn't have cheated yet.  Instead, I made some phone calls to friends of mine who were the coaches on his football team, and I got him reinstated and the drug issue dismissed.  I was trying to help my girlfriend, but really I was trying to help myself. 

Additionally, you are telling you me you are attracted to independent women. Ok, qualify what an independent woman is to you. I ask because you fell hard for this woman who seems to be more co-dependent. She had to monkey branch and couldn't be alone...ie the antithesis of independent.
The woman before my marriage worked for IBM in a management role.  My ex-wife has been the CEO of the local chapters of some very large non-profit organizations and is making high 6-figure income.  The woman after my marriage is an interior designer and partner in a home building company.  I've also dated a journalist who has 4 Emmy awards, a former olympic athlete, a college professor with a PhD, a Judge, a corporate attorney, among others.  I guess when I say "independent", I mean that they appear to be self-sufficient, except perhaps emotionally.  The uBPD exGF I don't believe monkey branched.  I'm trying to find out when and how she met the replacement, but it sounds like there wasn't overlap.  Still, the common theme for the women I've fallen in love with has been cheating and not able to be alone.

Keep in mind what you attract in many respects can be a mirror of what you project and what is going on inside you.
Not sure how to answer this one.  I haven't cheated on any of these women.  Last time I cheated on anyone was freshman year in college, and that hardly counts.  I am OK alone, as I have "dated" casually since my recent breakup, but I've chosen not to jump into a serious relationship right away, even though another woman really wanted me to do that.

Now something I am going to ask and I mean no offense here...in your failed relationships what commonalities do you notice of opportunities of where you could have done better? What do you feel your faults were/are? Notice any common faults popping up? Any big sticking points you feel like you have run into and are just not sure of how to fix?
I'm definitely a people pleaser.  I tend to always try to prove myself far more than I need to.  Not just in my romantic relationships, but in business relationships and friendships as well.  I feel good about myself when I can help people, sometimes to my own detriment.  I don't know that it played a role in my brief relationship with my uBPDexGF, but it's probably playing a role in my wanting another shot at the relationship with her?

[ILMBPDC]

GTS...I asked you questions in your other thread. This particular line ties in why I asked the questions I did. "A big part of me craves a recycle." - Why do you think this is?

This stuck out to me too. Why? What in you is craving this?

Interestingly, the breakup with Mr BPD pushed me hard into exploring myself. I ended up being diagnosed with cPTSD (from childhood but also other stuff in adulthood, like a relationship with a psychopath) and I am now seeing a trauma therapist. I have come to understand my cPTSD has informed my entire life, including my desire to be with Mr BPD, even though I know its not a good relationship. I'm not saying its the same for you, but by asking yourself the hard questions and digging deep you may find out you have some stuff to deal with.

In case you are curious, these are some of the cPTSD responses I have:
-people pleasing (fawn response)
-disorganized attachment (a combination of freeze, flight and fawn response - also common  in pwBPD)
-codependency(very common in children from dysfunctional families)
-conflict avoidance (again, common in children from dysfunctional families)
-my "acts of service" love language (another fawn response)
-emotional dysregulation, trouble concentrating, isolation, depression (all PTSD symptoms)

There's more but I figure you don't need me to list them all - almost all of them I never associated with my crappy childhood until Mr BPD basically forced me to look into myself.  Turns out, I am repeating all of my childhood abandonment issues with my exBPD - he is as emotionally unavailable as my parents were. Its messed up, but trauma doesn't make sense.

Again, I'm not suggesting you have cPTSD but its worth looking deep into yourself and figuring out what is going on and why you are wanting to be with someone so clearly not good for you.

[PeteWitsend]

I find myself feeling a few different feelings:
1.  ...
Thoughts?

Regarding these 12 things, if I were you, I'd go to counseling more frequently to figure out why you tolerated this abusive treatment from someone, and why you're still pining for a "recycle" relationship with the expectation that it won't end in exact same way as before.  

You now have your own experience with this person, AND someone else's experience to demonstrate to you how she behaves (which also explains why no one ever married her...)

Rest assured that non-disordered people do not react to stressful situations in the extreme way disordered people do.  I made this same mistake when I made excuses for BPDxw based on her situation (she was overstaying her student visa, broke - making BAD financial decisions, and struggling to get her professional career started).

I thought, after approx 7 months of dating and a few months of living together, that marriage would calm her down, as it would solve her immigration issues and provide her with stability.  In the event, the conflict didn't lessen, it just took new forms.  The pattern of extreme conflict was still there.  Don't make the same mistake I did.  

I saw stark contrasts when I met other people who immigrated from her country, and didn't see them make all the same mistakes she did, or seek to blame and make others responsible for them.  That was the first crack in the "facade"

[harbinger70]

Hey GTS. Glad you got some vindication. My ex is still with my replacement and going strong apparently. It hurts. Seven weeks with me and then boom sudden breakup and with a new guy. Been with him almost four months now and friending all of his friends online. I know in my heart that eventually the cycle will repeat and either he’ll leave or she will but I try not to focus on it too much. Hopefully your ex won’t reach out but they seemingly always do. My ex was probably quiet BPD based on what I’ve read and discussed with my therapist. The important thing is to focus your attention and energy on yourself. I’m trying. It’s not easy. But we’ll get there. And if/when our exes reach out in the future - as they likely will - we gotta stay strong.

[GTS22]

Thanks ILMBPDC, PeteWitsend, and harbinger70.

Yeah, I agree with you PeteWitsend: after my own experience and the luxury of hearing how her relationship with my replacement ended, you're right - how could I possibly expect any different outcome if she and I tried again?  You're also right that it's 99% definitely the reason why she is nearly 40 and never been married.  So, why do I (and others on this forum) believe I can change that if I just had another shot?   I was a baseball player, and I might have used this analogy before.  Sometimes you strike out swinging at a pitch you missed, and you're not sure if that pitch was a strike that you just didn't hit, or if it was a pitch outside the strike zone that you chased and missed.  Even if you've seen others swing and miss on the exact same pitch, sometimes you just need to see the pitch one more time to know for sure.  Does that make any sense?  Even though I was right to break up with her, and even though the replacement was also probably right to break up with her, my monkey mind keeps churning and wanting another chance - wanting to see that pitch one more time. 

I will not reach out to her, and hopefully by the time she reaches out to me, I'll be strong enough to ignore it.  She just made me feel so incredibly special during the first 8 weeks, and I bailed relatively quickly (almost 3 weeks after she started acting weird).  If I tried again with her, maybe she would exhibit the signs more quickly, and I'll know for certain that it's not going to work? 

[PeteWitsend]

... So, why do I (and others on this forum) believe I can change that if I just had another shot?   I was a baseball player, and I might have used this analogy before.  Sometimes you strike out swinging at a pitch you missed, and you're not sure if that pitch was a strike that you just didn't hit, or if it was a pitch outside the strike zone that you chased and missed.  Even if you've seen others swing and miss on the exact same pitch, sometimes you just need to see the pitch one more time to know for sure.  Does that make any sense?  ...

That makes sense!  But you're not playing baseball here, you're dealing with a mentally disordered person. 

[GTS22]

My obsession is starting to wane a bit, and I'm beginning to feel a lot more like my old self.  But I still think about my uBPDxGF all the time.  I'm dating again - mostly just casual first dates and haven't met anyone that really excites me yet.  But I still long for my uBPDxGF to reach out.  Maybe for the validation that I mattered?  I don't know why.  I'm talking with my therapist about it, and so far, no real answers.  I know I'm a people pleaser and a "fixer", so I'm sure there's a little of that. 

I guess I just don't want to believe that she's mentally disordered, despite the clear evidence?  She is so high functioning in her job, she seems normal when you meet her, and we had so much fun together.  I can see that her behavior in relationships is similar to so many stories on this forum, and I have the proof that she wasn't any better (seemingly even worse) with my replacement.  But I can't stop thinking about wanting another shot with her.

[TheBatHammer]

 I was a baseball player, and I might have used this analogy before.  Sometimes you strike out swinging at a pitch you missed, and you're not sure if that pitch was a strike that you just didn't hit, or if it was a pitch outside the strike zone that you chased and missed.  Even if you've seen others swing and miss on the exact same pitch, sometimes you just need to see the pitch one more time to know for sure.  Does that make any sense?  Even though I was right to break up with her, and even though the replacement was also probably right to break up with her, my monkey mind keeps churning and wanting another chance - wanting to see that pitch one more time. 

Speaking as a player and umpire... when you swing at a pitch, regardless of where it is, if you don’t put it in play, the result is always going to be a strike. At best you get another pitch. Not sure what that does to the metaphor.

[GTS22]

BatHammer, then you should know what I mean.  Did I chase a pitch out of the zone, or did I just swing and miss at a pitch I could have connected with?  I’m thinking it’s the first one - the pitch was out of the zone and I should lay off it.  But I feel like I just need to see it again to be certain. 

Your comment makes sense too.  If I didn’t connect, it shouldn’t matter if the pitch was in the zone (hittable) or out of the zone.  It wouldn’t matter because I didn’t connect regardless.  But maybe with some new knowledge of BPD and why she was behaving so weird, maybe I would be better in my next at-bat with her?

[SinisterComplex]

SC - First, I'm truly sorry you are dealing with a death in your family, and I wish you and your family peace and comfort during this challenging time.  The fact that you took the time to respond to my thread shows incredible compassion.  Thank you.  To answer your other questions from the previous thread:

So I see 2 things I want to point out. Obviously, the pattern of you having cheating partners. It seems to be a frequent theme and well an extremely unfortunate string of luck. Not just one or two, but a pattern. Any commonalities you noticed in these relationships where you had suspicions the partner was cheating? The cheating is obviously not your fault, but there are lessons to be learned there...were there communication issues? Were there red flags that you just let pass you by? Things like that.
The girl I dated before my ex-wife definitely had her own issues - I've learned she's on her third marriage already.  I think she cheated because she was young, and she monkey branched into a new relationship to escape ours.  My ex-wife had red flags galore, mostly her entire family have all been married multiple times and cheated, so she had poor role models.  The woman I dated after my divorce had 2 teenage boys whom she couldn't control by herself.  They completely disrespected her and wouldn't listen to her.  On the weeks I didn't have my daughters, I was there helping her with them, but on the weeks I did have my girls, she couldn't manage on her own.  I suspect she did the math and realized that I wasn't going to propose as long as her older son was still in the house.  He's now a high school senior, but a friend of mine has told me that he quit the football team because he prefers to do drugs, so I don't see him leaving the house any time soon.  While these situations include bad luck, I've clearly chosen women with poor character and values.  They don't present that way at first, but the signs were present early on - I just ignored them.  For example, my ex-wife said things when we first started dating and when we were engaged, that looking back on now, I should have realized were huge red flags.  Back then, I was younger (20s) and didn't pick up on them.  And in retrospect, I should have left the woman I dated after the divorce when I first learned that her son was caught doing drugs - I would have saved myself a year and a half of that relationship, and she wouldn't have cheated yet.  Instead, I made some phone calls to friends of mine who were the coaches on his football team, and I got him reinstated and the drug issue dismissed.  I was trying to help my girlfriend, but really I was trying to help myself. 

Additionally, you are telling you me you are attracted to independent women. Ok, qualify what an independent woman is to you. I ask because you fell hard for this woman who seems to be more co-dependent. She had to monkey branch and couldn't be alone...ie the antithesis of independent.
The woman before my marriage worked for IBM in a management role.  My ex-wife has been the CEO of the local chapters of some very large non-profit organizations and is making high 6-figure income.  The woman after my marriage is an interior designer and partner in a home building company.  I've also dated a journalist who has 4 Emmy awards, a former olympic athlete, a college professor with a PhD, a Judge, a corporate attorney, among others.  I guess when I say "independent", I mean that they appear to be self-sufficient, except perhaps emotionally.  The uBPD exGF I don't believe monkey branched.  I'm trying to find out when and how she met the replacement, but it sounds like there wasn't overlap.  Still, the common theme for the women I've fallen in love with has been cheating and not able to be alone.

Keep in mind what you attract in many respects can be a mirror of what you project and what is going on inside you.
Not sure how to answer this one.  I haven't cheated on any of these women.  Last time I cheated on anyone was freshman year in college, and that hardly counts.  I am OK alone, as I have "dated" casually since my recent breakup, but I've chosen not to jump into a serious relationship right away, even though another woman really wanted me to do that.

Now something I am going to ask and I mean no offense here...in your failed relationships what commonalities do you notice of opportunities of where you could have done better? What do you feel your faults were/are? Notice any common faults popping up? Any big sticking points you feel like you have run into and are just not sure of how to fix?
I'm definitely a people pleaser.  I tend to always try to prove myself far more than I need to.  Not just in my romantic relationships, but in business relationships and friendships as well.  I feel good about myself when I can help people, sometimes to my own detriment.  I don't know that it played a role in my brief relationship with my uBPDexGF, but it's probably playing a role in my wanting another shot at the relationship with her?

Thanks for the sentiment GTS. I appreciate you sincerely.  |iiiiDealing with death is just another part of life and something I am unfortunately far too familiar with. I'm back though...

So I am seeing the main pattern is that you do not trust your own instincts and you blow right past red flags. This means you need to work on your boundaries definitely. Because you put up with bad behavior you are showing these women it is ok to treat you like crap and that you will stick around and let them do it. I am not saying people are bad, but something to point out that is important for everyone to understand...we as human beings are inherently opportunistic. Therefore, if someone is going to give and give and give to us we are going to take advantage of it. Does that make you bad for doing so? No. That just makes you normal.

You have to put up stronger boundaries that hey you are either going to treat me with respect or kick rocks. End of discussion. You have to show you mean business and stick to it or repeated piss poor behavior continues and you end up never getting what you really want...real love and respect. By having stronger boundaries, calling people out, having healthy confrontations and conflicts you will create better relationships and you will build reciprocal relationships as a result.

So I wasn't thinking you cheated or were thinking of cheating. What I meant there is that what you were feeling emotionally inside is what drew these women to you to begin with. Which you did point out..."I'm definitely a people pleaser.  I tend to always try to prove myself far more than I need to.  Not just in my romantic relationships, but in business relationships and friendships as well.  I feel good about myself when I can help people, sometimes to my own detriment." - You overcompensate because something in you is telling you that you don't deserve better and that you are not enough. - which to be fair is total BS  . You are ENOUGH and you deserve to be treated with respect and shown proper love!

Now the big topic I wanted to get to...the independent woman. All of which you described is all fluff and window dressing. That isn't independence. Independent people are outcome independent and are happy and complete all on their own...with or without you. You add value to their life and make it better, but it is already pretty good as is. Now I had to mention that part so you can understand this part...

Inherently flawed people know they have issues so how do they combat that? Overachieving and overcompensating to cover up the flaws and disorders. For all intents and purposes it is exactly as you described in the sense from the outside looking in these women look like they had it going on. But behind closed doors was an entirely different story. Independence has nothing to do with how much money you make or what title you have. Independence is based on how interact with the world and how you feel emotionally. Does that make sense? Truly independent people are strong emotionally and typically derive their power from the inside out. Internal validation vs External validation. Quality over quantity...etc.

So what do you base your self-worth on? Are you comfortable being single? Is it hard for you to be truly alone? Again...I am not picking on you at all here. Actually all I am doing here is hoping I point out some things that perhaps you can work on so you can break your cycle and attract the right kind of people and opportunities to you.

A lot to take in of course, but I am definitely PRO GTS and on your team for sure my friend.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[GTS22]

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OMG!  That was absolutely incredible wisdom in your post.  I need to read and reread to digest it all, but man you are SPOT ON with everything you wrote!  If this experience with my uBPDxGF happened just so that I could read what you wrote there, it will have been worth it! 

I will write more in response to you after I’ve had a chance to reread what you’ve written a few times.  Right now, my mind is blown away from your remarks.  I cannot thank you enough. 

I will pray for you and your family as you’re going through the challenging time, but I will also pray that someone repays you with similar kind words, wisdom, and advice that you just provided me with. 

Thank you!