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Author Topic: Ready to move forward & not feed the drama llama  (Read 371 times)
Imoutofideas
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 2


« on: January 15, 2017, 03:51:13 PM »

Let me start off with I am a licensed mental health professional- I have worked in an acute psychiatric facility for almost 20 years & even though it can be a stressful and sometimes hostile environment ... .I can manage my day to day work stress fairly well! I have become very proficient in recognizing behaviors that require intervention & those headed towards an out of control situation. I am active in providing staff education, establishing a program schedule... etc however, Nothing & I mean nothing has fully prepared me for experiencing mental health issues in my own home! The drama, hostility, lies , accusations inflicted by my spouses ex wife & their son who also has mental health issues and plays an active role in this never ending cycle are relentless. My husband is a good man, respected, works hard- he is a wonderful father to our daughter, assists with the house, my kids & just day to day life- we have a strong friendship as well as a marriage- we share the same values & display respect & kindness in our home, we believe in God and try very hard to turn the other cheek and not give into our anger.When  we decided after two years to blend our family... .his ex wife( reportedly bipolar, and personality disorder ... .borderline & some narcissistic traits as well) utilizing their child( aspergers, cognitive distortion, anxiety& probable development of a personality disorder) as seemed to be on a crusade to destroy our relationship & home. He reports everything to her... what we buy, where we go, things we say, reports on my children etc) I know many will say he is just a child... .and believe me we all understand where his influences come from... .I also believe it is how he gets attention from her- emotionally he is probably similar to a 5 year old ( his Mother did abandon him temporarily during their marriage) at no point in all of this have I ever said a cross word about his mother, I have never said anything to him about his behaviors or accusations of my own children. We as a family have made every attempt to help him adjust, fit in... roll out the red carpet treatment. I have financially contributed to his son... .thru medical & therapy bills... .his mother would never pay... taken him with my kids on trips, paid for gifts etc... .the straw that broke the camels back started with accusations, my biological children were accused of being mean to him, beating him, he wasn't comfortable here & ultimately a report to social services that my daughter held him down and sexually assaulted him ( I can't hardly type that out!) it was devastating! He(stepson) would call his Mother & bash everyone in the home- he was only 8 at the time, had definite Aspergers traits( which finally at age 12 he was given a diagnosis)- he would twist things, his perceptions of situations were very distorted & he would report anything & everything to his Mother- her behavior towards my husband became increasingly accusatory & hostile... .I remember after one instance the child had reported his weekend to her... .I told my husband don't be surprised if social services knocks on our door... .our kids had been interacting together- my daughter & a friend were playing dress up & dance competition- my step son(8) were all interacting together... .my husband & I were folding laundry cleaning house etc- it was reported per ex wife that my daughter had made him feel uncomfortable & what happened over there with Ex wife very angry... our son wouldn't lie! ... BTW Step son is very uncomfortable in any social setting... .2 months later- exactly 4 days after ex wife was fired from yet another job- social services arrived- I have conducted & worked thru many investigations myself but to hear what she accused my daughter & son of doing was incomprehensible- it's been several years & I still can't forget it... .she has now brought me and my children into a battle I had tried to stay out of... .it's been one thing after another every since- she wants more child support, less visitation, accusations he's not following his visitation- she was investigated after a therapist reported her for inappropriate boundaries with her son... .but of course that was blamed on us... .if my husband agrees to a demand via the attorney as is... there is always a ... oh & I want this too... .it never never ends... .she is covert in her tactics, has convinced a judge & whomever else that she is just comforting her son etc... .my husband has ultimately lost the relationship with his son- she has changed his therapist 5 times, attorney bills are in the thousands! Family members are all breaking under the stress of it all! He has finally decided to just give her whatever she asks for even if it's a lie or ridiculous just to have peace for a brief moment ... .we have 5 more years of this... .my husband will be paying her full, maximum child support now as she filed again with multiple accusations my husbands attorney even used minimum wage as her figure because she rarely keeps a job and it was always I need more... this way she receives the max allowed no matter how much money she makes... .which we all knew would not be used for his son... .we are all done financially( with lawyer, child support, child's medical & any other extras- HALF of his income goes to this situation- I help maintain the deficit), emotionally, physically... this had been traumatic... you are always waiting on the next thing to happen... .the court has failed us, professionals have failed us... and ultimately the child will live full time with his mentally ill controlling mother... .she has lost 2 jobs in the last 6 months and has a masters degree for Gods sake... .higher education than either one of us... and can't maintain her own life... .it is sad, we are discouraged ... and feel quite hopeless... we have no other choice but to stop fighting let her have him, the money, make every decision,,, while my husband and  all the other family does the actual work... takes him to appointments, pays for anything on top of child support... .we realize we can't change her and we can't change his son... .they both and believe me it's "we" think Dad needs to do x,y or z... .how is it that here we are hard working, have maintained long term employment, raise our own family at our house, respected by our friends and family , how have we become so beat down? How do you let go of a child that sings his mothers praises and calls the father(the stable parent) every name under the sun... .but then hey um dad, I need money for such and such... .my husband is struggling,,, give up my child ? To actually save my child? She has been working in overdrive to kill their relationship... .they were very close when we first met... .of course it took over two years to divorce because it was always more... .more... .he'd agree then oh and ... more... .we have to be able to move forward and keep our own household safe( overnight visits stopped last year) ... oh did I mention he couldn't sleep here because no one was sleeping with him? He was sleeping with Mom still... .but that's a whole other story... .how do we disengage from this? My husband still visits with him but time is brief... .he walks in the door tells mom a crazy story & well the text starts... .how do I help my husband create healthy boundaries and yet hold onto something with his son? How do we live again... .without the drama... .and always thinking... what's next?
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soundofmusicgirl
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 179


« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 11:24:35 PM »

Imoutofideas. I can feel and hear your pain clearly. You are an amazing person for not giving up on your marriage and your husband and on having been there for everything so far.

I can understand very well how much you are done with the drama and everything. I have come to that point many times myself.

It is that point where I wonder: is it better for the kids and my husband (and us) to give up on the kids?
It is a hard decision and very difficult. All things you will read on this board might have some very similar experiences but still there are situations that are very difficult and heart wrenching. If your stepson is continuing to literally endanger your home and your life with your children I personally would feel the need to protect this.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 09:19:08 AM »

Oof, that's a lot of drama   I agree with soundofmusicgirl that you are a special person to ride this out and be there for your new family.

My SO faced a similar battle with his ex and his S17 (also asperger's, also enmeshed, plus parental alienation). SO's BPDx wanted to move to another state and have full custody, and after much deliberation, he relented.

The drama did die down a bunch and SO does have a relationship with S17. Although, he is a proxy for his mother, and he really does not seem to be his own person.

It was hard for me to watch, to be honest. I have my own BPDx and S15, and could not imagine letting my child go live full time with a disordered parent.

Even so, I think SO made the right decision give how bad the parental alienation was, and how hateful SO's S17 was (threatening allegations of child abuse, etc.).

It must be tempting for you to think there is a way to make things better, with all your training and experience. I'm not in the mental health field, but I did think, after my own experience with BPDx's parental alienation and a high-conflict divorce, that I could help shepherd SO successfully through a similar battle.

After watching SO and his S17 for a couple of years, I no longer think SO has the necessary pieces he would need to turn things around, and S17's Asperger's seemed to make things even less likely because everything is so black and white in his mind.

Child or not, protecting yourself in your own home with clear boundaries is a given. Not that making decisions to enact those boundaries is any less difficult.
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Breathe.
bravhart1
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 653


« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2017, 03:39:39 PM »

Our situations sounds eerily similar to yours, the never ending hole of need from a dysfunctional mom on the other side and her constant portrayal of us being pieces of sh*t, and yet we were the ONLY ones getting my SD to therapy, teaching her to read, write, bath, brush her teeth. Etc. right down to the "I can't sleep her cause my mom sleeps with me and rubs my back all night, and if you won't then you don't really love me". 

We took the expensive route and asked for custody eval. Which she didn't like and didnt come out looking good in, so she asked for another, same results. Then another, same results. Now we are broke, mom is asking for a trial to parade her family members one by one to testify what a fabulous mom she is. (Btw she hasn't seen her kiddo in 15 months cause she won't agree to supervised visits. Better to abandon than be subjected to scrutiny)

It's exhausting and yes, as much as a I love my DH, who is a saint   it's been hell. My time, money, happiness and virility are all exhausted. And to top this all off, SD acts like we are holding her hostage, from a mom that was manic, violent and unstable.
I feel you!

What can we do? I won't let her break me, but she has also gone after my own children and accused us of abuse. That becomes a very hard place to be, when your own children are being affected, and that is not including what is happening to my relationship with my children from having to parent her child, who is also a hole of need.

We found out that mom was slipping notes and phone calls through the school so we moved her school. The transformation has been nothing but miraculous. SD has dropped the attitude without moms influence. It's what she she have had for the last 15 months, but we didn't know what was causing it. Therapist suspected the contact, but we couldn't prove it. Turned out other kids at school have cells phones ( ya in second grade
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